Fascinating article about wifework

[confusedofengland]

I read this article this morning & it struck a chord with me as I have been unable to do much for myself over the last couple of weeks - including working - due to childcare issues, while DH has actually taken a day off of paid work today to pursue his writing dream

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jul/21/woman-greatest-enemy-lack-of-time-themselves

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jul/21/woman-greatest-enemy-lack-of-time-themselves

Sounds about right. DH gets himself ready in the morning whilst get myself and the 2 kids ready in the same time period. He doesn't have time because he is busy drinking coffee. I don't HAVE to do it, and if I was to present him with clothes and a child he will dress a child and help. But his timekeeping skills are poor and I hate lateness so I pick up the slack. I think in many cases its easier for women to do it than nag and so becomes a viscous cycle.

My ex DH used to engineer it so that I was left to get all 3 DCs ready before i went to work whilst he went to work super early and usually came back when they were safely in bed. Once we separated he suddenly started working normal hours.

He had the cheek to later tell my adult DS that the house my new DH and I had moved into had been 'paid for by his hard work'.

He loved them but not so keen on the noisy, smelly, untidy times...

Yep just about sums up my ex.....I will be educating my DD to NEVER put up with this shit if she has kids.

WHY DOROTHY WORDSWORTH IS NOT AS FAMOUS AS HER BROTHER

"I wandered lonely as a...
They're in the top drawer, William,
Under your socks -
I wandered lonely as a -
No not that drawer, the top one.
I wandered by myself -
Well wear the ones you can find.
No, don't get overwrought my dear, I'm coming.

"I wandered lonely as a -
Lonely as a cloud when -
Soft-boiled egg, yes my dear,
As usual, three minutes -
As a cloud which floats -
Look, I said I'll cook it,
Just hold on will you -
All right, I'm coming.

"One day I was out for a walk
When I saw this flock -
It can't be too hard, it had three minutes.
Well put some butter in it. -
This host of golden daffodils
As I was out for a stroll one -
"Oh you fancy a stroll, do you?
Yes all right, William, I'm coming.
It's on the peg. Under your hat.
I'll bring my pad, shall I, in case
You want to jot something down?"

Lynn Peters

Virginia Woolf had it right.

I love it, @MaybeDoctor

My namesake was an intelligent, educated woman who not only put study to one side in favour of her husband's career, but became the subject of it. I know some people think that is romantic, but I find it quite sad. The only lasting vision we have of her is his interpretation.

Or then you get an artist like Judith Leyster, who did manage to find the time to paint, but had her work attributed to men after her death.

That is sad, @SaskiaRembrandt

I have been educating DD not to accept wife work, to ensure any future partner doesn't try dumping it on her. She knows I have her back, because I stopped doing it, and eventually left ex, with wife work being one of many reasons I left.

It is sad

I've been thinking about this thread - it reminds me of women I know at university who have to fit their work around their husband and family, to the extent they never try to do anything at home because they are continually interrupted. This is despite the fact that they gave up on education and a career to support the same husband in his. It's like yes, they can now step back in the world of learning ,but only if they continue to fulfill their role as a housekeeper. Much as I admire their persistence, it makes me quite angry for them.

Just noticed I've used the wrong emoticon - it should have been I wasn't being sarcastic.

seeing posts like this makes me feel equally grateful and angry.

I wake first do lunches and wake DD then leave for work.
DH makes sure DD is dressed and fed and bag packed and does the school run.
I collect from school after 5, on days DD has clubs I do the clubs and DH has dinner ready when we get in.
On Thursdays I gym alone and get 2 blissful hours of me time. Fridays I drop DD at her evening activity then do as I please knowing he will pick DD up after the gym. I'll do dinner. We take it in turns to shop, I do school forms, he does house paperwork. Whoever is home most in the week does the cleaning, or we clean as we go. We both do the laundry. I'm useless at cleaning the bathroom, he forgets to put the dishwasher on or empty the bins. We make a good team.

It would really upset and annoy him If I was struggling alone with something he is capable of helping with.

Why are men allowed to be so 'useless'? hold them to account ladies!

Those men are not stupid and incapable. Do you really think they would be able to do their jobs, if they really could not figure out how to dress a child or where their socks are? They are pretending to be helpless on purpose, so they can enjoy their leisure time and hobbies, while you do the wifework.

I have a friend who has been away from her DC overnight I think twice or so in their lifetime. DC are teenagers. When she went away, she left meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner in labelled containers in the fridge, and prepared everbody's outfits for every day. Yes, their dad was home. She also prepared his outfits..

I get up 2 hours before DP just to tidy up a d get DD ready for nursery. He spends 15 mins getting ready then rushes out the door for work

But equally some women should take part of the blame for this. How many times I've seen 'He's shit at cooking/can't cook, so I do it' and the like. Nobody is a born chef. And absolutely everybody can cook. My parents didn't teach me how to, so I used internet: youtube and cooking websites. Now I can cook food from scratch reasonably ok. If I can do it - men can do too. It's not rocket science. Yet there was a woman (here on mumsnet), arguing that her husband is absolutely incapable of boiling an egg. No learning difficulties, etc, had a complicated job, yet he was incapable of boiling an egg, just 'couldn't do it'. So she did it. All the time.

Same with everything else: hoovering, washing floors, dressing kids, etc. Yes, they CAN do it and yes, they SHOULD do it (and decent men do it). Yep, it can be not to some women's super strict standards, but that's a different matter entirely.

I totally agree, men can do all those things and should do all those things. My husband and I do split things pretty fairly.

However, I kind of understand about not wanting to learn how to cook etc. If I'm being totally honest, I am capable of learning how to do DIY better but I don't try and over the years have been happy to let my husband fix stuff. We do 50/50 to contribute around the house and family life but we definitely have our favourite and least favourite jobs.

I would say 60/40 in our home. I was getting annoyed at having to remind him of school events and dates - so he contacted the school to ensure he got the same emails and updated his own calendar ! So he will check if I haven’t already sorted it - will pay any school trips etc
I do all the washing - buts that’s just because I like being organised. But he does the bins - he gets a bit crackers ensuring rubbish is sorted recycling etc.
But I don’t iron his stuff or put his stuff away. Housework he knows he not great so agreed to a cleaner. Painting/redecorating we do together it’s quite a bonding experience to both put the effort in and see the results.

I was shocked when my sister said to me prior to a trip I just need to pack BIL - he’s a grown man surely he can do it himself!!

Has anyone seen "The Wife" starring Glen Close and Jonathan Pryce? It's an absolutely brilliant film, well worth watching. The husband wins the Nobel Prize for literature and of course you can bet who has been supporting him behind the scenes throughout his career... there's an excellent twist as well which I won't give away. The two leads capture this dynamic spot on.

The other side of this coin is that I only really found my creativity since I became a mother. It galvanised me into action.

If you wait for days of silent contemplation, you might never create anything. Being a parent gave me a deadline!

The problem is, since having children I elected to work part time so that I could see a bit more of my children, and also because I earn about half of what DH does. Therefore I feel more obligated to do more wifework. My DH does a lot, especially as he had a bit of time off work which coincided with me working full tone. We had a bit of role reversal, but he's still not so good at the headspace stuff...

•full time

It's something I massively struggle with, I don't get enough leisure time. My hobby is sewing, I last sewed in November. I would like to have at least a stretch of 3 hours because of set up etc.

DH doesn't get it, we have so many arguments about it. He gets 2 2.5 hour stretches a week of child free time a week that I am so fucking jealous off.

I've just walked in from work to paella cooked from scratch by dh, he's done the washing and ironing too.
Too much blame is put on men, there's loads of decent ones out there.
If yours isn't, don't stay. Simple.