Visiting a friend tomorrow who is severely depressed, advice please

[Hushabyelullaby]

As the title says I'm going to visit my friend tomorrow who is depressed. She hasn't got dressed or left the house in over a week.

She is self employed and hasn't worked for 2 weeks, it's the worst she's ever been. She keeps saying she doesn't want to be here anymore.

Wise Mumsnetters, please tell me what I can do/say when I see her? I want to be supportive but not offer empty platitudes. I've been in that dark place and for me the worst thing would have been for someone to say 'don't be silly, you've got so much going for you' etc, etc.

TIA

Just give her a hug and let her talk. Good luck OP

I’d take daffodils & good chocolate, and yes, as pp said, a warm hug and just listen.

Oh no, your poor friend, I guess just realise that nothing you say might be able to lift her at all, there are no magic words. You are a good friend to worry about her so much though, like PP said, just let her know you are there and listening. Good luck. X

I don’t think they’re anything specific you can say, a hug and a listening ear is the best thing you can offer. Nice gifts would be thoughtful and I agree with flowers to brighten the place up and nice chocolates. Maybe a soft dressing gown or something comforting or posh bubble bath/ shower gel to help her want to get up and dressed. When I am depressed the first thing to go is housework so if you find the house to be a mess then taking some responsibility for doing a general tidy and maybe washing dishes or laundry etc might also help - for me those sorts of jobs become overwhelming and feed into my depression.

Just hold her hand and sit with her. That you are going round to see her and not avoiding her will mean so much.

What everyone else has said. Don't be upbeat, just sit with her and if she wants to talk, listen.

Bless you, you're a good friend.

Yep sit and listen
I’d take something with an uplifting smell eg a citrus candle as well as flowers.

Just be a good ear. The fact you've gone to see her will mean a lot. And remember, it's her depression talking.

Take wet wipes & dry shampoo, new toothbrush & toothpaste. In times of depression, I wouldn't shower, then beat myself up that I'd not showered, and feel gross. Wet wipes & dry shampoo were a step towards me feeling cleaner and would sometimes inspire me to shower plus using a new toothbrush always feels good.
(If she's not leaving the house, you might want to ask about SanPro as well).

Afterwards you might be emotionally drained so make sure you've got something nice lined up for yourself - even just a quick brisk walk in the fresh air!

Well I’d be a bit more proactive, and encourage her to call her GP right there and then. Offer to return at the appointment time and drive her there.

Perhaps you could also offer to change her sheets, put a wash on, etc while she has a cup of tea in the lounge. It’s awful feeling so low with a dirty smelly house. If you can manage to open some windows or sit in the sunshine or fresh air with her, all the better. I’d likely bring some veggie soup and bread.

You sound like a brilliant friend.
I would reccomend her to read a book by Matt Haig called Reasons to Stay Alive. The title sounds grim - it’s really not. It’s an book about his experience with depression and it’s full of life changing words - I would recommend it to anyone. I read it back to back constantly at my lowest point and I think that book is such a huge part of why I feel the way I do now. It’s not full of cringey phrases - it’s very real and so refreshing.
I’d also just tell her you are there to listen and won’t be shocked by anything she says or judge her for it, let her know she can pour her mind to you and you will hold her hand while she does that.
It’s so hard as I don’t think there’s often anything you can say to make things better but just knowing there is someone to call on when things are really rough is often enough! Good luck and I hope you’re friend recovers from this x

I agree with all the suggestions above and will add, doing something very normal like watching a film together or something on Netflix or whatever.

When I was really depressed, an hour or so of feeling like a normal person who could watch a movie with a friend was amazing.

(If she wants to of course!)

Or going for a walk, looking at magazines together, painting your nails together, whatever she likes doing.

You sound like a great friend. Hope she feels better soon.

Take basic groceries, a healthy meal to eat together.

Sit with her and listen - actually listen not wait for your chance to talk and say something inspiring.

Try to do something “normal” (whatever that is for her).

Ask her if she wants to go for a short walk together/for you to stay nearby while she has a shower/for you to tidy or do the washing up for her.

People in that really dark depression are exhausting - so plan something that will help you relax and recover afterwards.

You are a great friend. Going to see her and just listening is best. Perhaps watch a film together and bring stuff to cook a meal and eat together? you could bring a bit extra and leave stuff int he fridge (milk etc) if yout hink she has run low on stuff.

This is hard, with my friend I made tea, provided snacks and we had a good talk for a few hours. She said she felt much lighter afterwards, but she knew what had triggered this bout so we could work through it a bit together. We also made plans for the following week and I checked in by text/phone regularly –no pressure for her to reply or talk, but just to know I was thinking of her.

Just being there is enough, maybe armed with some funny anecdotes if you have any or suggest an upbeat Netflix series for her. If she's into beauty stuff you could take sheet face masks to do together? Doesn't require her showering or getting dressed. Flowers are a nice idea to brighten things up.

Thank you so much for your feedback so far, I'm going to take some flowers and other bits and bobs.

I'm going to see her at 12.30.

I've been having some issues at home that she knows about, and obviously I wouldn't dream of mentioning anything relating to that, but what do I do if she asks? (She's that kind of person normally). Skim over the bare bones so I'm not ignoring her question (assuming she does), or flip the issue back to her situation?

Part of me thinks it would be something else for her to think about for a while, but the last thing I want to do is talk about me when I'm there for her.

I'm probably over analysing what may happen, but I may not be.

My friend is my priority, always!

Any more advice would be great.

I'm leaving soon, so any further advice would be great

The fact that you’re going to see her is wonderful in itself. One of the worst things about depression is how isolating it is.

But the flowers will be great!

Just take your lead from her. No pressure, let her talk about what has happened if she wants. Laugh about Love Island if that's what she wants. Some nice and easy to eat/prepare food would be lovely. Some days my motivation and energy only extend to the microwave.

The salt path - Raynor Winn - is another good book about light at the end of the tunnel. I’d second the Matt Haig book recommendation too

Thank you to everyone for your advice. It was lovely to see my friend today. She lives with her bf who is being amazing apparently, he's had MH issues himself before so understands the support she needs. Her house is clean and tidy, it wouldn't have mattered to me if it wasn't but she said he's cooking, washing, and cleaning.

I took her her favourite flowers and a tray of 12 cupcakes (I knew her DC and bf would like them if she couldn't face them), and gave her a big hug. She is seeing a counsellor and has been on Sertraline for a couple of weeks and says she feels sick, shaky, and so much worse mentally since, her doc has told her to persevere though.

I stayed for a couple of hours as I didn't want to tire her too much, and got a lovely text message earlier thanking me for going over as I really cheered her up, and thanking me for her flowers. Her bf has said that she's been more chatty today than she has been for weeks, and she said how she's chuffed that she managed to eat dinner tonight. So fingers crossed it looks like maybe the meds are finally starting to work.

She's having a big birthday this year, so i've said if she'd like to we can go to a gig/show together, and she seemed really pleased and immediately started looking up what's on around the time.

It was great to see her, and i'm so thankful for all your advice

That’s great. Sertraline does take a few weeks to settle down but I’ve been on it for years and love it. Fingers crossed things keep getting better.

It does sound like the sertraline is kicking in, but don’t underestimate the impact that your visit will have had. Being around people can help a lot and I’m sure she really appreciated the effort you made to visit. Well done

That's a really lovely update. And I agree with @ohfourfoxache (excellent name, btw), your visit no doubt had a positive impact.