What couldn't you forgive?

[NYnachos]

On the radio today they were talking about a play based on the idea that hell was full of people who refused to forgive others (I think it was a comedy!)

It got me thinking - what things have I not forgiven? It's not things like boyfriends being unfaithful etc as I don't really care about that, but minor things like a manager stitching me up at work or a friend laughing at me behind my back then boasting about it.

I think it's the lack of apology that makes it hard for me to forgive.

Anyone else?

We'd be here all day if I went into details, but unapologetic cruelty, especially if it's the petty sort you mention, makes me want to hurt people in unbearable amounts.

Yes - it's strange that it's the little things that stay with me the most.

Lip service with no action.
Since having my son I'm amazed at how many people I know are those types.

I don't ask a lot and find it hard to forgive when someone blatantly overrides me My brain goes into a fuzz.

I don't really understand the concept of forgiveness. If someone does the dirty on me, doesn't apologise, doesn't care, doesn't make any effort to repair the damage then what does it mean that you "forgive" them.
How does that benefit anyone least of all yourself.
I consider it more beneficial to view them as something poisonous as dismiss them from your life.

People who treat single parents as social outcasts who just want to steal your husband.

Being in a unionised job, then the union don't even want to try to help you as you're edged out the door. This also applies to the staff you work with. Unionised seems to mean little.

Someone taking credit for your work. A former mentor did this to me. He treated me very poorly, including sexual harassment and lots of inappropriate comments. A few weeks later I saw he'd shared an example of "his" work online. He received lots of attention, praise and offers of work as a result. Bastard. Anytime I've crossed paths with him since he's taken the opportunity to be snarky but even so, I'd never trust him again.

madcatladyforever Fri 07-Feb-20 01:13:41
I don't really understand the concept of forgiveness. If someone does the dirty on me, doesn't apologise, doesn't care, doesn't make any effort to repair the damage then what does it mean that you "forgive" them.
How does that benefit anyone least of all yourself.
.........

I think truly forgiving someone does help, it means not hanging onto baggage and bitterness which just eats away and doesn't help. You don't have to be bosom buddies with people who have caused trouble for you, forgiveness doesn't mean that but it does mean you can draw a line and move on.

All that can take time though, some things are so painful one almost goes through a grieving process afterwards so never be hard on yourself about it. It's a process.

On a Sunday I told my best friend that my grandfather was in hospital, his heart was failing and he wouldn't be coming out although I didn't know how long he had left. This was a year after my beloved nan refused treatment, food and water in hospital after a slight stroke and I spent 4 weeks watching her die. My grandparents meant more to me than my parents.

I didn't hear from her until Friday of that week with a text that read: "Off on hols, see you when we get back, hope your grandad feeling better x"

I wanted to reply: "Better? He's fucking dying!" But didn't. She was away with two mutual friends of ours. I didn't expect her to text me during holiday but had the shoe been on the other foot, I would have done.

She got back the following Saturday. No text to see how I was. Nor Sunday. Nor Monday. Nor Tuesday. Finally got one on Wednesday asking if I was OK because she'd heard from a mutual friend my grandad had died on Monday.

Can't forgive her.

I think if the other party refuses to even acknowledge what occurred, yet alone apologise, then it can be hard to move on to 'forgiveness'

Example: your STILL mother refuses to acknowledge the (Police documented) abuse you suffered so clearly no possibility of 'apology'

In those circs, forgiveness' isn't possible or appropriate.
Understanding the situation, feeling the feelings YOU need to feel about it, and moving ahead with your life despite all that (possibly with the cause of the pain cut out) IS possible, with lots of work.

ie you view that Mother as a damaged individual who will never be able to look at her part in things (and therefore help you move forward).
You give up hope of that, give up anger she can't. Anger holds you back.
You - try to -move forward anyway. THAT's the important 'self-work'.

I can forgive most things as a way of easing the weight of hurt that I feel, but NEVER forget as the lesson learnt. (Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me).
Whether I consent to forgive and continue or rebuild a relationship with the person who has hurt me depends upon the issue and whether the discression and future relationship would then reflect badly upon me. I'm certainly not afraid to cut toxic people out of my life for 1 strike.