Do you have OCD or live with someone who does? can I please ask you a question?

[decisi]

My dsis lives with my parents. She has OCD. It's mainly around cleanliness issues / contamination etc. She is constantly washing her hands etc and will wash perfectly clean clothes that she hasn't even worn etc.

Our DM has gradually become an almost servant to her and panders to her every need around the OCD. She does all the housework, all the laundry, cooking and cleaning in the house. She'll tell us ( the other siblings) not to come with our young kids at certain times as it might trigger her (with little ones being a bit messy / dirty etc). Dsis leaves her plate at the table and doesn't even put it in the dishwasher as DM does it. Dm does certain things only when dsis isn't around or will wait till she's left the room before she does something. She'll not let anyone use the bathroom at certain times of the day as dsis will be using it eg after she comes home from work etc

Her whole life revolves around dsis' OCD, trying to not upset her or do things where she'll end up washing her hands etc.

I understand why DM does all this as when dsis isn't "triggered" life is so much more easier. The alternative is dsis going into a rage and forcing DM and others too to rewash our hands / things/ wipe things again etc and she won't settle till you've done it. It's really hard living with her but DM has found a way which works well for both of them.

The the thing I want to know is that, is this what it's like to live with someone who has OCD. Controlling, almost even - I hate to say this but abusive.

An additional sad thing is that it's affected dm's relationship with the rest of the siblings as she has prioritised dsis over all of us. I understand that she needs more support than the rest of us but during times when we needed a bit of support from our close loved ones DM has said she can't help because of dsis. This has never been an issue tbh until recently.

My other dsis2 was literally homeless and penniless when fleeing her dp with her children. She left another country and had nothing. Her kids lives were turned into chaos and she asked DM if she could stay with DM for a few months (dm house is a large) whilst she set up a new life here. Dm said she couldn't accomodate her due to dsis at home and that she should find alternative provision.

She ended staying with us in a small 2 bed house for a few months. There were 9 of us. Dm has 3 large double bedrooms empty.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and nasty and not being understanding or if this is how it is.

I hate OCD. It's a bastard of an illness and wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Bump!

For us, yes, that’s what it’s like.

I grew up with a sister with severe ocd which sounds very similar to your sil . It's very consuming and controlling but it is an illness , I know my mum feels guilt that her child turned out the way she did and that she knew the initial trigger and could have prevented it ... this was all 35 years ago when OCD was un heard of .. I feel for you though as it's very difficult to understand . Have they had therapy or medication for any of it ? It's an anxious behaviour and my sister was on beta blockers and anti depressants from an early age.

Sorry sister not sil.. was this illness not apparent when you grew up then ? Do they know what triggered it if not .

My DH has contamination OCD. Your Mum needs to stop allowing your Dsis to control her actions, it may make her life easier initially because Dsis isnt triggers but in the long run it will only make the OCD worse.

Has your DSis been to see her GP? My DH is on medication and has had cognitive behaviour therapy to help him manage the OCD. At his worst before he had therapy it was totally out of control, he used to be in the shower for 5-6 hours plus and he used to dictate how things like laundry were done. I threatened to leave him because I couldn't like like that and he went to see our GP.

Now, 6 years later, DH still has the OCD but he controls it (most of the time) rather than the other way around.

Its really hard to live with someone who suffers with an OCD and you do feel like they call all the shots sometimes but the best thing I ever did was to refuse to facilitate the OCD, its like a drug, if you keep doing what the OCD demands it just feeds it and makes it worse.

I don't think yabu. Your mum needs to stop running around cleaning, rewashing her clothes and putting restrictions on you visiting as that's just feeding the ocd and doing your dsis no favours.

Have you spoken to your mum about it? Maybe literally point out that she was willing to let her dd/gc go homeless. I find that quite shocking tbh

Your sister is ill, it is not something she can control. Has she seen G.P or had any counselling?
Your dm is doing more damage by enabling her but it is going to take a huge shift to get things better. Your DM is validating your ds feelings, and although they are very real, to her, there isn't actually any danger.

OCD isn't just the compulsions, your sis will have obsessions as well and she is doing the compulsions to ease her obsessions but it is a vicious cycle, the more she does it the more she will do it. Exposure therapy can help but it will be a long road.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

She is on meds and has been for CBT several times over the years. She wasn't really like this as a young child but it mainly came to the fore in her early twenties. We don't know what triggered it.

We do tell DM thar she is enabling her and her therapists have told dsis too but it's not like she will be saying to DM don't enable me. Dm tells us she is extremely difficult to live with and that is the only way she can cope with her which I totally understand.
But dsis is so very controling of DM.

She controls her behaviour with her friends etc but with people who are "soft" like me and DM she will tell and scream at us to clean X,y,z. If we don't comply she would go into a rage and then DM will tell me not to visit anymore. I just feel she's the centre of my dm's world.

As with the issue of dsis2 and her homelessness, DM felt that she couldn't accomodate her as it would worsen dsis OCD and make her more ill. I guess it may be similar to someone who has a disabled child - I don't know.

Everything you've said sounds really reasonable. That sounds like a difficult environment to live in and your Mum is being controlled. But, she is an adult and she is allowing it. Your sister is ill and currently there won't be a lot of room for change as she has no incentive to do anything differently as everything is currently being done to accommodate the OCD. It's hard to see how manipulative you are being when you're in the grip of mental illness.
I really don't see what you can do apart from make sure you have space to vent somewhere (here if it helps) about a situation that sounds really complex and that you have very little scope to change.

I'm sorry but I absolutely cannot see why your sister can't do the cleaning and laundry that her ocd demands. She's absolutely taking the p out of your mother. Yes she's ill, but she absolutely can put a plate in the dishwasher. What on earth is her argument against that?

Your mother is feeding the illness (even though she doesn’t mean to). Can your sister move out? This set-up is not helping anyone.

I'm sorry but I absolutely cannot see why your sister can't do the cleaning and laundry that her ocd demands. She's absolutely taking the p out of your mother. Yes she's ill, but she absolutely can put a plate in the dishwasher. What on earth is her argument against that?

I'm guessing putting a plate in the dishwasher would probably involve a whole other OCD routine to do it. It's not a simple as picking up the plate, she'd probably have to wash her hands for hours after she'd touched the dishwasher.

Your DSis sounds like my DH at his worst. DH used to do everything he could to avoid touching things which triggered the OCD.

An OCD is complicated and all consuming at its worst, your DSIS won't get better unless she really wants to.

OCD is an absolute cruel bastard. Mine was nowhere near as bad as your sisters or pp’s dh and I managed to keep it hidden from most of the world but at one point I barely left the bedroom for 6 months except when absolutely necessary.
Pps are absolutely right about enabling and letting the ocd take over-I learnt that myself and have fought that for a long time-I still have to talk myself down at times and sometimes it wins but not often anymore.
It’s such a long time ago that it feels like it was a different person but reading your post reminds me of those feelings of sheer panic and desperation when something felt contaminated.
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but neither would I wish it on loved ones because it does make someone who suffers from it unbearably selfish at times.
I have no answers other than a tonne of tough love might be what’s called for. However, I get that it’s easy for strangers on a forum to say that-when you are in your mum’s place I guess it’s easier for her.
Sorry-not sure I was much help but am sending you hugs and best wishes

I had OCD from age 22.
Yes agree with all comments about feeding the OCD by complying with the rituals. I had CBT which “cured” me. It never really leaves you but makes life manageable.
At my worst I’d spend hours in shower, constantly washing clothes, not liking anything dropped on floor etc. It was horrendous. My doctor started exposure therapy and my boyfriend had to help. So before he would help me obey my compulsions but with exposure therapy he had to help me cope with the anxiety brought on by “not washing hahds” or “wearing a cardigan that had been on floor”. After a time the anxiety subsided. It’s really hard work but it’s worked for me. I feel for your family. Persevere with the CBT. Get your mum involved too. Good luck.

Your mum is reinforcing her OCD by going along with her demands. We were told not to reinforce Dd's OCD.

Yes, one of my kids has it (young adult). I would never live like your mother, not good for anyone including the person with OCD.

I made mine go to clinical psychologist to find ways to manage it. Sometimes they start to slip or something in life will act as a trigger to a more acute episode and then they are given the choice, move out ASAP as we won’t tolerate it or go back and get some further help to get it under control. Sometimes it’s a bit miserable all round while they are getting help but as long as they are actively working on it and moving forward we are supportive. Supportive does not mean being a physical or verbal punching bag though and their siblings live at home including a teenager so we won’t allow everyone else to be too adversely affected.

I think the main thing is our child knows we are deadly serious. We will not put up with life being made a misery for everyone else and while supportive if they are actively getting help, there’s a limit and if that is breached they are out the door. That seems to motivate them to get help to keep it in check when needed (although we have to flag that, they don’t seem to recognise it at the start) as they don’t want to be homeless which they know will occur. They will never be cured but it must be manageable all round.