Not going to work events due to bad anxiety

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Can anyone else relate to having bad anxiety about office socials

There’s roughly 30 of us in my team, and I sound rather pathetic but ever since an email has gone round inviting us to a 1 hour lunch social (for someone’s birthday) I have felt sick to my stomach

I don’t think I’ll be brave enough to go and will have to come up with some excuse, I’ll probably take leave on the actual day - although I’m sure my colleagues will see through my excuse as I missed the Christmas party too due to bad anxiety

God I wish there wasn’t so much expectation to do this kind of thing. I understand some people may enjoy it but not all of us do

I have asd and just turning up to work in our open plan office is exhausting enough for me. I feel like I’ll constantly have to switch jobs because I feel too ashamed of being seen as the weird anti social one

I would be as honest as you feel comfortable. It’s not mandatory, you don’t have to go.
Make an excuse and stick to it.

Totally get it. Hope there is a sympathetic ear from someone at work - hard to be in the frame of mind to find one, I know.
I have in the past just found excuses not to participate and not been pressed on it. I'm more able to fake my willingness to participate now. Think it's because I'm older than a lot of my colleagues.

I have social anxiety and know how you feel. I've started a new job a few months ago and I didn't go to the Xmas dinner they all had. In my appraisal my manager said that I was too quiet and needed to try more. I feel really awkward in the office and am looking for a new Job as I'm so ashamed of being like this.

@rockeryy , sorry you have this experience. I am a bit older than most on here and now work in the public sector. I won't pretend that there is no "forced fun" in sections of our office but there are other bits that aren't like that. And office culture is to back off if someone is uncomfortable with a social event or whatever.

I wouldn't waste a precious days leave on this. I would say you have a doctors appointment or the opticians or you could say a friend is only in town for the day so you're taking them for lunch. Make sure you do something positive while they are all out like take yourself somewhere nice for lunch or a good walk so you're feeling refreshed when they come back.

Sorry you're feeling like this it must be extremely difficult

I’m the same OP
At my work socials are usually outside my work hours so I just ignore them or say sorry I have something else to do. I don’t view them as compulsory and if anybody said I was too quiet I’d be quite blunt back I think. I’m there to do a job and chat with others when I am, I’m not antisocial.

I’m probably older than you OP, I’ve learnt to love my social anxiety!

They are not compulsory. Just say you can’t attend. I never go to these things.

I once felt like this but more because I just didn't want to go as well. It was a work night out they were arranging for somebody who was leaving that i didn't like.
When asked I made a polite excuse and said I had to meet a friend so wouldn't be attending and stuck to that even after a couple of colleagues kept telling me to cancel and went on and on saying I HAD to go. One of the colleagues in question got quite angry and in front of everybody and shouts oh I think Anna (name change) is lying about this friend and could go! I felt so embarrassed and this person had the cheek to make an excuse and pull out herself right before the event!

Don't make an excuse as you'll keep having to make new ones every time there's a social event, as you've already found.

Just be open about these mass events and explain that whilst you like everyone on an individual basis (ok, that bit might not be 100% true) you're a bit of an introvert and don't like crowds.

If you know the birthday person well enough and like them, wish them a happy birthday individually and explain the above if you feel the need. Otherwise, in a group of 30, people won't be paying that much attention.

I don't do the big team outings either. I'm not anxious. I'm just confident and honest about not wanting to. I do like my team, however so I do initiate other things that involve everyone, such as team cakes, where I can do something kind with the minimum interaction.

In every office I have worked in there has always been at least one or two people who don't come to these sorts of things. Hopefully there is an understanding manager in the group who can shut down any chat about it and make other team members remember that not everyone does the same thing.
Sometimes, these people have been able to come in certain circumstances. One, for example, was a fussy eater and it transpired she was too embarrassed to come out & find there was nothing she liked. Once we realised that, we changed where we went (although not all of the time). Others have been OK going out occasionally provided it is a small group or if they know they will get to sit next to particular people they know & like in which case we've managed that. Others simply don't go out because they don't want to and it's just accepted. You may well find you're not the only one - or even if you are the only one not going this time, once others realise it's not compulsory, it may give them the confidence to say no.

I do understand anxiety, and lots of people experience it around social events, it's quite normal, but perhaps try to change your thinking and realise it's not all about you. Most people will barely give you a thought, a glance, it is about the person having the birthday. I know it sounds unkind, but try to stop focussing on you.

Totally reasonable to focus on yourself in this situation op. Does your manager/workplace know you have asd? I made my HR and immediate manager aware as I just couldn't deal with all the extra social events at work, and it's massively took the pressure off this dreaded emails knowing that I won't be going and they understand why!