What to say to my boss

[Marmie4]

I'm stressing tonight, today I fell out with my boss at work. I have worked with her for a long time and always have had a lot of respect for her. The last couple of months she has been under loads of pressure and she is really stressed out. This has resulted I feel in her taking her frustrations out on me, she always criticises and is often downright rude. She shouted at me today while I was eating lunch in front of all my colleagues. It was over something really minor. I quietly told her I would appreciate this being dealt with in a private area but she continued and I snapped and shouted back at her. I then walked out. I told her (in her office) later some quite personal criticisms, she dismissed everything I said and turned it back on me saying I was over sensitive (I accept I am sometimes). All of the afternoon we haven't spoken, she went to a meeting and nothing is resolved.
I don't know how to approach it in the morning, I don't feel I owe her an apology but equally I hate bad feeling. I'm really upset tonight, don't know what to say when I see her.

Work is work.

As hard as it is, you’re both there to do a job and fulfil that role.

I know it’s easy to say because we’re sensitive souls who like to please and want to be liked but this will blow over.

Today is a new day. Hope it goes ok for you

She’s your boss and can make life very difficult for you if she chooses. I would apologise (even if you don’t mean it) and be professional with her from now on - she isn’t your friend, she’s your boss - that comes first.

I did apologise (even though I feel she is wrong). I said we should put our differences aside and work together professionally. She refuses to accept it! She says she has done absolutely nothing wrong. She says she cannot move forward with our working relationship. She has ignored me all day. The senior manager has now spoke to us both and I am moving department! He to be fair was really good, said what a valued member of staff I was and the last thing they want is for me to leave. Don't know how I feel tonight, it was all over something so minor and I now will be with new people on a different job. Guess things happen for a reason and a change might be good. Had a good cry and I guess tomorrow is a new day.

Crikey that's a bit OTT

She sounds awful anyway - she yelled at you?! Good riddance

Well that sounds slightly extreme. But glad you are away from the boss and I hope your new team and job are lovely.

I know all I said was the last couple of months I have not been so happy and I think at times she can be bit unapproachable. She has behaved like a teenager today. All blown out of all proportion, didn't realise my opinions mattered that much.

I'd be seeing this as a blessing. She sounds awful.

Thanks they seem friendly. Might be good in the long term.

Every cloud and all that!

She has got what she deserved. Because you said she is often rude to you.
A new staff member might not take her rudeness and if staff dont stay that will reflect on her.
Show management you are more mature.
Embrace your move. Join your new team with a big smile etc.

The positive vibes are cheering me up, felt so awful today being ignored, it's been hard keeping it together. Thank you all.

It's a fresh start for you. The colleagues from your former team will now have the measure of her and I imagine the atmosphere will be pretty tense. So you're far better off now, and seem to be appreciated by the higher boss.

I’ve been in the same position, OP, and ended up with a 15-minute character assassination from my boss despite having supported her through some difficult times earlier in the year and her having behaved appallingly towards me at times.

I asked for help from management but they were fucking useless and in the end I left. You sound like you’ve got good support higher up, which is half the battle.

What a brilliant outcome and really good support from your senior manager there, it feels like they have a fair view of what happened and have chosen the best outcome for all. I would just add that there may be something going on with her beyond work pressure that you don't know about, people don't often change character for no reason. In any event you won't have to put up with bad behaviour any more and although I'm sure it has unsettled you, you can put it behind you.

From your account - particularly where you took the initiative to offer the olive branch, you've risen above her behaviour and they clearly value you, onwards and upwards for you, enjoy working in the new team, drama free!

Kernowgal I'm sorry it ending in you leaving. I've been the same always there through thick and thin. It's amazing how they can't see where they have gone wrong, she honestly sees no fault in herself. She said at one point that I had changed, I was like a different person. Any respect I had has now gone so a move was probably the only option.

Just an update, we spoke today, we agreed to be civil to each other. I initiated the conversation, just wanted no awkwardness on passing by, we work on the same floor still. She ended the conversation by saying "you have lost your magic, you have no spark." I honestly give up!!!

Yup dont bother speaking to her again unless you work in a magic office where magic and spark are required

So you try to be civil and she still insults you and makes it personal.

If you have lost your “spark” I imagine it’s to do with her grinding you down.

If I were you, after you’ve left that team I’d email the big boss with a complaint, listing all her behaviour. Just so they have it on record for when she does it again.

She was completely unprofessional shouting at you, and within earshot of colleagues. She created an atmosphere and is trying to push the blame on you to minimise her behaviour.

You now have the opportunity to move on. No longer give her a second thought. She may think she has got away with it, but other colleagues and her line manager will be storing what happened up. If she blows her top again she will be in the shit I would imagine.

I think sometimes when you work with someone for a long time familiarity breeds contempt sets in. They start to talk to you as if you are part of the furniture or how they talk to their family. I had to pull up somebody for being rude to me. She said it is because she had known me for a long time and that I felt like family to her. I told her that my family would not talk to me, and that I wanted her to behave towards me in a professional manner as a colleague. She tried to minimise too, and our relationship was never the same effective working relationship. She is still in my team but I don't work with her. When we have team meetings she gets the occasional dig in, but these days I just find it amusing.

Good luck in your new role.

Good idea MrsMelanie, i will do.
And Sarcelle I think you are spot on, we know each other too well, I'm just always there, I think I do feel like family to her and she takes out her frustrations on me.