Just need to vent a bit. I'm a fairly young mum and feel awful saying it but i'm finding it really hard to enjoy at the momemt. My DD is 2 and a half and was unplanned, the father walked away.
I constantly feel like i've completely lost myself. Before having my DD I had good friends, had a dream of going to university, hopefully meeting someone nice and getting a solid career / travelling and now I just feel like i've ruined my life. I have hardly any friends, can never have a night out as people don't really give me the time of day as I don't have much time, I 'd love to go traveling but I now can't afford to as its almost double the price with my daughter. I do go to a good uni but I mainly go in and spend the whole day on my own working, then come home. I also volunteer one morning a week (which I love). My issue is that i'm happiest when i'm not with my daughter and feel like when I have this freedom I'm back to myself. I don't have a supportive family so I don't have anyone to look after DD and I also live miles away from any family. But, when they did look after her last year whilst I had a short holiday, I began to really miss the time I had alone and wish I could just go off travelling and go on wild nights out like the majority of students. Its so so selfish but I just can't help but resent others who don't have kids.
I love her and I would never ever want to give her up, but I just get these strong urges that I shouldn't of had her. I think its hard as well because when I went away a lot of people would say 'you must really miss her' and while ofc that is the case, I more so enjoyed my time alone, possibly a bit too much. I feel like I'm just not cut out for parenting and i don't want my daughter to feel as though she's not loved because I'm being selfish, but at the moment I feel like this is the case.
I also am really struggling on the relationship front. I've had a few short flings since having her, but I now seem to only attract rather toxic peeople who I feel may percieve me to be an easy target as a young single parent (doesn't help that I look young for my age). I met a lovely guy not long ago and never told him I had a kid, but I can almost guarentee he wouldn't want to be with someone who has a child (not because he's judgemental but I think some people just have their own preferences). But, I now feel like I've ruined my chances of ever having a relationship with someone I am genuinly interested in. I hate telling people I have a child as I feel judged and as if people look down on me for being irresponsible.
Not sure what I'm really looking for but I just needed to vent. I feel like an awful and selfish parent at the moment but I can't help how I feel. I just want to feel normal and enjoy life again but i'm just generally not happy. Its not even a matter of being able to go on antidepressents because it's very much my situation holding me back.