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Original poster

How do you say no and mean it?!

16 replies

bigchris · 04/02/2020 19:23

Whenever I say no to things I don't want to do ( extended family holidays , leaving do's at work etc ) I get so much anxiety and don't sleep and worry I let people down ! How do you lot who don't give a fuck do it ?! I need tips !!!

OP posts:
isseywith4vampirecats · 04/02/2020 19:26

you look the person asking in the eye give them a confident look and say the word NO then you put it out of your brain , don't worry about letting anyone down or make you do something you don't want to do, fake it till you make it is the key here the more you say no the easier it gets x

Original poster
bigchris · 04/02/2020 19:29

Oh thank you, that is good advice Smile
I find myself at work often 'acting, being polite etc when i don't feel like it lol
It's the 4am mulling over things that gets me , drive myself crazy rehashing everything !

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 04/02/2020 19:34

Yeah. Either you feel shit or they do.

Wearywithteens · 04/02/2020 19:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BloodyWorried · 04/02/2020 19:42

Read “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck” and implement.

dudsville · 04/02/2020 19:43

The thing you need to wok on isn't saying no, do that, but then focus your attention on your feelings of discomfort and actively practising what you need to do to let them go. In time you will get used to doing that and will be able to say no without guilt.

Original poster
bigchris · 04/02/2020 20:13

Is that a real book ?!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bigchris · 04/02/2020 20:14

Thanks @dudsville thats the bit i struggle with

OP posts:
Grasspigeons · 04/02/2020 20:16

You arent saying No. You are saying yes - but to something else. So you might say 'no that doesnt work for me' out loud. But in your head you are saying 'yes i will rest then because i need one'

iswhois · 04/02/2020 20:28

I think it's partly that you get a reputation as a people pleaser so people know if they guilt/ harass you enough you will give in.

You have to start teaching others that no means no, say no and follow through with it. Very uncomfortable at first but eventually people leave you alone.

Cherrysoup · 04/02/2020 20:31

You just do what I do and tell people you don’t really socialise with work/whatever situation it is and say ‘God, no, I don’t socialise’. Easy, no need to give excuses. Eventually, they’ll stop expecting it/asking.

ovenchips · 04/02/2020 21:16

@bigchris I think it's a personal boundaries issue. If you have poor boundaries, you will agree to do things which, for whatever reason, don't work for you. Or you may manage to say no, but feel guilty about it - you feel if someone else wants you to do something then you are being lazy/rude/selfish etc to say no.

If you have good boundaries, you can make decisions which are right for you - be it yes OR no and crucially not dwell on it afterwards (through either regretting saying yes or feeling guilty for saying no) as you remain confident in your decision.

A crucial part of developing good boundaries is recognising that YOU matter, that your needs, feelings and desires should form the basis of your decisions and that doing this is not the same as being selfish. It's recognising that there is a recognisable and defined 'you' who is separate to everyone and everything else. You need to primarily consider this separate 'you' when people are asking something of you and not just be facilitating everyone else's needs, feelings and desires.

I recommend Where To Draw The Line by Anne Katherine. Am sure there are other good books. I used to have poor boundaries, now I think I mostly have good ones. Not woken up in the night full of angst for a loooong time. It feels really, really good.

StrumpersPlunkett · 04/02/2020 21:22

If you can with a good friend in real life, you need to practice a script.

"Oh that's lovely, thanks for thinking of me. I am not able to help/come this time as I have other commitments, but I hope you have a lovely time/get it sorted.

Make it something you can say without hesitation.
Don't buy time or say you will think about it.
Just say that you can't.

It is very very freeing!
Good luck from your people pleasing twin.

StrumpersPlunkett · 04/02/2020 21:24

PS if you genuinely regret your no after the inital conversation you can always call them and say you have jiggled things and can come/help

Original poster
bigchris · 04/02/2020 21:36

This is all really helpful, I'm starting to feel a little bit braver already!

OP posts:
CustomerCervixDepartment · 04/02/2020 21:44

‘I can’t, no.’ and then do not rush to fill in the resulting silence this is crucial, women are conditioned to defer, appease, apologise, pander. Stop that shit. Let the silence happen and go about whatever you were doing, eventually they’ll say something, maybe ‘k, maybe next time’ or if they’re rude and want you to justify yourself, don’t do that. ‘Hm? I can’t go. Have a great time though!’ ‘I only do 3 shift each rota and I’m already doing three, so no.’
Do not apologise, do not justify yourself. People are shit, don’t give them a second thought.

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