Feeling suffocated by clingy DD

[BethanyGilbert]

DD is nearly 3. She is usually such a happy little girl. She is a good talker and a good sleeper.
I work 3 days a week and she is brilliant behaved for her childminder and grandparents. She’s well behaved for me but she will not give me a second from when I wake up to when she goes to bed when she isn’t touching me. If I’m doing housework she follows me crying for a cuddle. She wants to be carried around the house. She won’t walk even to the car and cries to be in my arms. She’s such a good girl but I’m starting to feel smothered. And my arms are really sore.
When we go in the car she screams for me to cuddle her and hold her hand the whole time. She isn’t scared of the car though just wants to be touching me.
Everyone tells me how good she is but she cries a lot at home because sometimes I do have to put her down to do jobs. She won’t go to DH so I never get a lay in anymore (we used to take turns but she screams blue murder if I stay in bed without her). I feel so bad moaning because she is so loving and sweet but it’s making me feel so tired.
Any advice? I’m very aware I don’t want her to feel rejected. Whenever I can’t cuddle her I do tell her why.

My dd wasn’t quite in the same league but she went through a similar phase. A tip I had was to bookmark cuddles, basically giving them a clear beginning and ending
eg “I’ll give you a hug just as soon as I dry my wet hands”— or “let’s sit on the sofa over here and have a cuddle” so that there is a slight delay beforehand

Then point to the ending before it happens
“We’ll hug for another minute and then I have to finish those dishes and you can come and tell me all about school today” with an extra big squeeze at the end.

It’s not that it worked magically to satiate her (far from it) but it helped me a bit. I knew I was giving her quality attention at times (because I was saying it) and it got me over the feeling of being half hearted all the time.

And it helped us find substitutes - cuddle me from behind/ hold this for me/ cuddle teddy while you’re waiting for me.

And helped me uphold boundaries which are important. In the car example, would you end up holding her hand while driving? That’s obviously a big no, and I’ve probably misunderstood but I found it helpful to have a few hard NOs that she couldn’t push me past, for her sake really.

Another tip was hugging her a little longer than she wanted, so that she was the one squirming away sometimes.

It’s hard. It passes eventually.

Has anything happened lately to set this off? With dd I think there were some issues with friends in pre school that knocked her confidence.
Ds shadowed me for a couple of weeks when he discovered the concept of death and was making sure I didn’t die. In his case once he was reassured that I wasn’t about to die, it eased off.

No I deffo don’t hold her hand while driving. I keep explaining I will hold her hand when we get there. But she screams the entire time. She also wants me to hold her hand at every meal.
Nothing’s changed that I can think of. Same childcare for the same hours. Same house. No new family members.

My 4 year old was like this and still can be, but never quite as extreme. I understand how smothering it can feel and the guilt that comes with that feeling.

One thing that helped us is standing my ground and telling her that her Dad is going to read her stories or give her a bath etc or that I am
Doing something g with her little brother. There have been some pretty distressing times for me as she’s been screaming and crying for me and not nice for DH. I’ve explained to her that Daddy loves her very much and is sad that he doesn’t get to spend time with her as she is awesome and he loves to read her stories etc. And that her brother is also my baby and needs me and it would help me so much if she let me do something with her brother and then it’s her turn and how kind she is Etc She then relents and I get a break and it’s nice for to spend time with her Dad and not be so needy. It’s got better as she’s got older and like I said there were a Few tough times when I really had to stand my ground and not cave. But I think it’s worked. Good luck.

Yes my 5yo is identical and was like this from a very young age. I agree with pps about standing your ground on some things though like not getting a lie in. Just refuse point blank to get out of bed and tell dh to keep her away from you until x time. It's as much for him to put in place as you. She will soon learn it's a wasted effort on her part. I can't help with any of the rest as i also hold my dds hand in the car and have her sitting on me in some form or other for the entire time i am in her company. Wherever i am she will sniff me out. I can only assume it will reduce as she gets older!

My daughter is really like this too. If I’m around she always want me over her dad. Sometimes my husband just takes over because she’s driving me crackers.

We tried love bombing when i spent quality time just the two of us which didn’t really make much difference!
Safely I am pretty shouty about. She is not allowed near the cooker when ItMs on, so if iMm making dinner she has to sit in the side and wait for me.
Bedtimes she often takes a couple of my socks to bed.

Re a lie in. Mine is allowed to come in a say good morning but then it’s mummy’s special day and she knows to let me be. This is once a week and she often draws me a
Picture etc downstairs.

It had got a bit better with time, she almost appreciates I am a desperate person who needs to eat dinner/wash/sleep on my own. She’s 4.5, mind!!