Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Adult DC and DH dynamics ( intentionally vague title)

28 replies

Rainingdogsandcats · 03/02/2020 13:00

Sorry about the vague title, I realise it might get me less views but I didn't want it to be an obvious title to anyone who knows me.

So we have pregnant DD and her partner living with us temporarily whilst they look for a house to buy. Moved in just before Christmas. Baby is due next week. We have plenty of room. We are loaning them the money for the house ( this info so no drip feed)

We have 5 other children, DD is the eldest, ages are then Ds 22, ds16, dd's 14, 12 and 8. I home ed 8 year DD. Eldest 2 are not bio of DH, DD 24 and D's 22)

DH works long hours and sometimes away. Mostly home after younger DC in bed.

DD partner works full time, dd on maternity now, ds 22 works full time, ds 16 at 6th form and works p/t ( for dd's partner)

We have had some serious problems with 16 yr ds at the back end of last year, I posted in here. We're back on track I think with all involved adults supporting him and looking out for him. He gets on really well with DD, and her partner. They've always been really close. They like to watch box sets together, I'm happy about this as it brings ds downstairs and into the family space, it's nice to see him smiling. He and DH have a sometimes strained relationship. Nothing major just DH is a bit hard on him imo.

For the past couple of weeks DH has been sitting in our bedroom all evening watching different programmes to the rest of us. He said last week that he doesn't feel that he can watch TV downstairs as DD, and D's are always watching their programmes. Before DD was here, DH has football or sport on literally the whole time. Even when he's on his phone ( the whole time) it's on the TV.
I said but you guys all watch a TV show ( current reality shite) and he said yes but we're on different episodes.

There feels like there's an atmosphere, I feel stuck in the middle but feel that DH is making an issue where there doesn't need to be one. I can't say this because he says he feels as if myself and DD would always side against him. He says DD always watches what she wants but that's not true. She goes into her room to watch shows on her iPad too.

Last night he said he feels like she doesn't like him but I don't see that at all, it feels to me as if he doesn't want her here.

I think some of the problem is that in our relationship he's mostly the one in control, I don't stand up to him because I hate conflict but if DD disagrees with him then she'll say so and he doesn't like it.

I'm not sure how to proceed, he said he won't say anything as hell just put up with it for a quiet life but he's not actually doing that as he's making me feel as if I'm walking on eggshells whenever he's around.

The house is running smoothly, other DC happy, adult DD sharing chores etc. I'm happy having them here. DD has fragile mental health so I'm happy she's going to be here when the baby arrives.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 03/02/2020 13:10

TV Roster?

Original poster

Rainingdogsandcats · 03/02/2020 13:14

I imaging DH would say he doesn't want to do that. It feels like he wants to put obstacles in the way of harmony.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 03/02/2020 13:26

He might, but you can but ask.

It does sound like he's feeling a bit squeezed out?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds 16 year olds Families

CoffeeCoinneseur · 03/02/2020 13:34

Too many adults all living together. I'd want some space too.

Your DH is presumably supporting 3 adults living in his home (your 2 x DC plus one partner) - and doesn't feel like he can watch tv in his own lounge.

So he's quietly taken himself off upstairs to watch TV in his bedroom.

I'm really struggling to see why he's in the wrong here?

HopeYouStepOnALego · 03/02/2020 14:01

Sounds like he's having to share more and doesn't like it because he's used to being in control of the remote.

It seems like you must have a fairly large house OP. Is there more than one downstairs communal room with a TV in it? I think there should be some dialogue between all the older adults who would be watching TV in the evening to agree some sort of schedule. It shouldn't be one person dictating what should be watched all the time.

KurriKurri · 03/02/2020 14:56

It sounds as if he wants to watch different programmes from your DD and DS - I don;t see why he should sit and watch things he doesn;t want to just for the sake of everyone being in the same room. With that number of people in the house, I would guess he sometimes needs a bit of space.

If your DD and DS are always watching thier programmes - when do any of the other people get a say in what is on TV. Does your DD contribute financially towards the TV license for example, since she seems to be doing all the choosing ?

I think it is you making an issue when there is none there, your DH has said he wants to avoid conflict so he is saying nothing. You are housing your DD and her partner, and giving them a loan to buy a house, maybe your DH feels that is enough - he doesn't need to sit in the same room with them and watch programmes he doesn't enjoy.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 15:17

It feels like he wants to put obstacles in the way of harmony.

Tbh I think you're being a bit naive to think it's harmony for him to have your daughter and her partner move back into his home, with an impending baby on the way too.

I would be annoyed in his shoes, if my partner's (or my!) adult child moved back into my home and then I found myself unable to relax in my own living room because they had commandeered it to watch whatever boxset she, her DP and DS fancy that day.

Sounds like your DD and her DP are being a little inconsiderate - surely they could be more conscious of the fact that they're essentially temporary houseguests and therefore need to be more considerate than she was when living at home (assuming she did).

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 15:19

I just feel like there's absolutely no way that if me and my DP moved into my parents house whilst waiting to buy our own either of us would feel comfortable dictating what's on the main TV in the house.

If anything, we'd probably buy/bring our own TV with us to use in our bedroom. We would never sit watching a boxset that we knew my parents had no interest in, knowing that my dad was sitting upstairs due to us.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 03/02/2020 15:30

Let the man have the biffer. It's his house, his tv, his living room.

If your DD is on maternity leave, presumably she can watch whatever tv she likes during the daytime, but in the evening, or when your DH is home, she needs to respect him, and give him the biffer. (it's quite funny, but simple to solve, and will make him very happy). If anyone is having to go to their bedroom of an evening to watch a show, it should be the children - even if they are adult and 38weeks pregnant.

Annasgirl · 03/02/2020 15:38

HI OP,

I get the feeling there is a back story to this as you show resentment towards your DH who you say likes to be in control and you always give in to him for an easy life. If you want us to support and help you, you need to post all of the back story too as at the moment it comes across as a wonderful man who selflessly supports your bio DC and so no one sees a problem with him having the TV and your DD and all the other people in the house staying in their bedroom to watch the TV (I do but as I say, I think I am the only person reading this to see the undercurrent).

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 15:44

I sense the undercurrent, but putting myself in OP's DH's shoes I can completely see why he's retreating.

He works long hours, gets home and can't even watch TV in his own living room because his houseguests and teenage son are already camped out there.

Not to mention the stress of the baby that is due next week about to join the crowd as well! Although that may put an end to come of the boxsets

Besidesthepoint · 03/02/2020 16:02

They probably don't do it like that though. It's probably something like "enthusiastic chatter between kids, John then says to Jane: hey, programme shite is on, wanna watch? And Jane says yeah, let's do that! Remember the last episode? Was so blahblah and two kids end up laughing and having fun in front of the tv". As an adult you don't want to break up two half siblings having fun together (remember, one of them is DHs own kid) so he fucks off to watch boring footy in the bedroom.

I'd leave him there to be honest and would suggest to do/watch one thing together every other day. This is his family too, he can try to be a bit social as well.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 16:13

I do get that and agree it's not maliciously done, but even so there's a difference between sticking an episode on and actually parking in front of the TV all evening when there are other people in the house as well.

Obviously the step-parent dynamic comes into play as well, OP's DP won't feel as comfortable telling his heavily pregnant SD to stop hogging the telly as he probably normally would his 16yo son .

I just feel like OP could be a little more understanding towards her DH, who will not be feeling as chilled about having her daughter and her DP back as she probably is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2020 16:17

I'm happy having them here.

Is your husband? Really genuinely happy or going along with what you want? How long after the baby arrives are they planning to stay?

I’m with others who think you’re expecting a lot after he’s already given a lot. He’s the one being pushed into his room as the shared space is overrun with your adult kids. “Walking on eggshells” will have probably have people flocking to tell you he’s a controlling bastard but he’s the one accommodating a set up which primarily seems to suit you and he’s simply absenting himself from the chaos.

ddraigygoch · 03/02/2020 17:21

How much longer are they going to be there? When is DS1 going to fly the nest?
That's a lot of adults living in his space.

FemiLANGul · 03/02/2020 17:36

DH has been sitting in our bedroom all evening watching different programmes to the rest of us

Can I clarify here, the rest of the family are watching tv downstairs and your DH is watching something different upstairs?

If he were to watch what he wanted downstairs what would the rest of you do?

Wonkybanana · 03/02/2020 18:06

There are regular threads on here about parents/ILs/friends staying at someone's house and it's generally agreed that these people can outstay their welcome. To some posters a week or two is an acceptable time frame, to others they want their own space back after three days.

Because she's your DD you don't see the problem, but having other adults living in the house does change the dynamic. You can't do what you would if they weren't there, whether that's wandering round the house in your pants or watching what you want to watch on TV. Your DH is clearly feeling that he is restricted because DD and her partner are there, and he knows he's going to be pushed further down the list when the baby arrives. However he's choosing not to turn this into a showdown. Whether his going to the bedroom is genuine or passive aggressive only you and he know.

I think you need to talk to him more widely than just the TV situation. You say he works long hours and sometimes away, so when he gets the chance to be home maybe he wants to feel like it's his space too, and at the moment it doesn't.

And I sense from your comment Before DD was here, DH has football or sport on literally the whole time. Even when he's on his phone ( the whole time) it's on the TV. you don't particularly like the way and what he watches, so you're happy that things are different now. That's a separate issue, so don't conflate the two.

AppleKatie · 03/02/2020 18:11

Tbh sounds to me like DH needs to grow up and join in with the family.

ddraigygoch · 03/02/2020 18:38

Or the adult children need to grow up and move out.

EL8888 · 03/02/2020 19:06

That's a lot of people in one place. I have a job that involves lots of talking and being around people. So when l get home then l want some peace and down time. I wouldn't be thrilled coming home to a house full and watching what ever they are watching. Does no one have TV's in their bedrooms?

Cherrysoup · 03/02/2020 19:38

6 dc+one partner, 2 adults. Unless you have separate wings, that’s very crowded.

I don’t get why your dh should have the sport on constantly tho. Do the other 8 people not get to watch what they want? It’s very niche having sport on all the time, I’d be bored rigid. If they’re on a box set, why doesn’t whoever needs to catch up do so then they can watch the rest together?

ChicCroissant · 03/02/2020 19:41

We are loaning them the money for the house

Will you be doing this for all the children, OP? Your DD is allowed to move back in with her partner AND a baby (hopefully arriving shortly!) - that's quite a lot of people in the house! How long has your DD lived away from home?

lljkk · 03/02/2020 19:50

Love Island every night does my head in, too.

notangelinajolie · 03/02/2020 19:55

I'm with your DH here and I don't blame him for sloping off upstairs. I'm currently upstairs in the box room. Downstairs are 2 of my adult DC's, DD3's boyfriend and DD'2 best friend. They have ordered pizza and are currently watching a very noisy box set. I have nowhere else to go. Feeling annoyed that I can't put my pjs on and sit and watch my own telly in my own living room. And even more annoyed that no one has even bothered to ask me if I'd like a slice. It will be the same tomorrow and the night after that.

I think your DH feels pushed out.

Original poster

Rainingdogsandcats · 03/02/2020 22:00

Ok this is interesting. I imagine if you knew us and spent time here most of you would perhaps see it a little differently.

DH commandeer the TV most of the time. Football, NFL, cricket, anything really. If any of us ( before DD) happen to be watching something else and he comes in if we happen to glance at our phones he'll say " you're obviously not watching this as you're on your phone so can I watch what I want to watch". Not can we speak if a programme is on. It's controlling and annoying yet he watches football and is on his phone constantly.

DD has been here since a couple of days before Christmas. It was DH idea they come here whilst they look for a house.

My 12 year old needs to ask him to sort her allowance out but tonight she said I'm not asking him if he's in a mood and he's always in a mood.

His job is very stressful and when he's got a lot on he's grumpy. I think DD being here has coincided with a tricky period of work and were all getting the brunt of it. Before DD was here he would often go to the bedroom and fall asleep watching TV.

I feel like he doesn't like DD being here, fair enough. What's not fair is to make out that it's because they're making him feel uncomfortable.

Just before they moved in I suggested we give them the 2 front rooms, one as a bedroom and one as a sitting room. The downstairs loo is in that half of the house too. We don't use those 2 rooms beyond ironing (me) and keyboard ( other DD). DH said no, why did they need a room with a sofa and a TV? That's not very inclusive he said, they'll end up just living in that half of the house.

I thought it would be good for them to have some privacy and for us all to get away from one another. They have a tv. That they could put in there, it's in the garage right now but is too big for their bedroom.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2