i need to work for my sanity not for our finances does that make me a bad mum?

[StrumpersPlunkett]

'My boys are amazing and although they are teenagers they still need me.
why don't I feel able to spend my days focused on them I still need something outside the home for my sanity.
Trying to stop the thought that if ds1 doesn't do well it will be because I needed something more.
I suffer with mental health issues and have started having panic attacks again.... help!

Course it doesn't make you a bad mum! I'm going back to work in a few weeks when my ds turns one... I earn so little compared to OH (and nursery fees) that it doesn't make much difference to our finances... But I miss work and want to go back :)

Well if it makes you a bad mother, I was worse - I went back when dc was 10 months as I missed work and was not good at being a SAHM. Each to one's own, do what works for you.

I felt totally fine about it until this week and now it feels enormous!

Spend your days focused on teenagers ? Yes of course you need to have quality time with them and listen and take an interest with them, but that is compatible with working. I work for me and my sons are little, I’m still a good, involved and loving mother. Their dad is the same.

That’s to say, I work only for the interest and pleasure and not because I need to.

thanks all,
I am trying to find a balanced view and allow ds1 to take responsibility for his exams
I just don't want to feel regret

Crikey OP, your DC are teenagers and you’re feeling guilty about leaving them to go to work???!!
My DD was 4 months old when I went back! I couldn’t stand the isolation of being stuck at home with no adult company while all my friends and colleagues were out at work all day.
Teenagers need room to breathe, they need to develop independence and adult coping skills. It does them no favours to hover endlessly.
You absolutely need your own life beyond just being a mother - otherwise what will you do when they eventually leave home, and you have nothing on which to focus your time, skills and attention?
Go and get a life, OP, and don’t feel guilty for a minute! Your DC will appreciate you all the more if they’re not taking you for granted.

Of course it doesn’t, I do it, we do not need me to work in any way shape or form right now...but I choose to because I like to work! It keeps me sane!!

stupidly sobbing.
Think it is the pressure of these gcse's being his and nothing I can do anything about.
I have been working happily until this year..
just needed a virtual slap..
thanks all

No. Not one little bit. I worked full time from DS being 10 months.
I did it because I wanted to not because we needed me to.

Going make to work made be a better parent. I went back when Dts were 1.

Oh gosh, I was just going to relate to you but then my ds is only 13 months! You sound like a good mum who’s become too used to giving up her own time for her kids. You need to let this go before they become adults and you’re left with empty nest syndrome. Just start taking little bits back at a time, op. You deserve this!

Oh no, don’t feel bad about it. I went back to work when dc was 3 months old. More because I had to, due to the nature of my work, which was decided long before I became pregnant. However, thank goodness I did. I hated being at home, even for those 3 months. It was a relief to be back to what felt like the old normal.

Have you been out of work since they were born?

My parents divorced and my mum worked full time. My sister and I both got exceptional A Levels and degrees from excellent universities. My stepmum was a SAHM and my half brother and sister also performed the same academically. I really don’t think the working thing had anything to do with it. More the culture within the famil(ies) of hard work paying off.

Incidentally, there is no way I’ll ever be able to give up or work part time due to cost of living in our area. Our toddler and any future ones will hopefully achieve what they would have achieved either way.

It would be utterly bizarre to not be working when your children are teenagers regardless of whether you need to financially

Teenagers??

I wouldn't have considered myself a SAHM when my boys were teens. I would have considered myself unemployed.

I have been working but suffer with Mental health problems and this seems to be my latest obsession.
I think that I am just finding very hard that I have little ability to help with his GCSE's.
My parents were not available for various reasons and I didn't achieve my academic potential and have wondered if it would have made a difference if I had had parents to support me.
It is fine, it is his responsibility I just am feeling anxty about it.

Nope, it's fine! Due to MH problems I have just gone from 4 to 3 days. I obviously love my child to bits, but my non-working days can be very long. I really wanted to work four days, but my employers are planks and the job is making me ill. Please don't feel bad, you're doing nothing wrong!

He'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Kids achieve or don't achieve sometimes with no link to the amount of parental support so it's definitely not your responsibility when they get to GCSEs, or beyond!

There will be many, many more things in your dc life beyond your control the older they get so you've got to find a way to make peace with it. Find a new obsession: learn to knit, learn a language - anything!

thank you so much, it is 9 or so years since I have been as anxty as this.
try to keep it under wraps but had a panic attack with friend yesterday afternoon.
trying to keep on top of it.

Sorry I seem to have attached this message to your thread... I didn’t know how else to post

@Dare, report your post and ask Mn to move it.

OP, who’s been feeding you the idea that you’re ‘supposed’ to be focused entirely on your children? I do not know anyone, male or female, who finds that.