DD stood up by friend - WWYD?

[sewingsinger]

My teenage DD (17) arranged to meet a friend yesterday for shopping and lunch. She was meeting the friend in her home town, about 40 minutes train journey from us. They exchanged messages in the morning and DD confirmed train arrival time, she arrived a bit early however and waited for her friend who just never showed up - no message no nothing, despite DD contacting her.

DD was obviously annoyed and upset and so am I (to say the least). What would you do in this situation? I know they are 17 but I think this really isn't on. I am thinking of emailing the Mum but is that completely over the top?

You can’t email the mum, she’s 17! Unless you are actually worried about her not turning up? But if it’s just to tell her off, no.

Has she heard from the friend? I’d she’s not normally flakey, I’d be a bit concerned.

Emailing the mum is ridiculous, this is for your daughter to sort out if she was just stood up for no reason at all.

OK thanks for the replies. The only reason I thought to email the Mum was because I do really think that young women need to look after each other and not turning up or leaving your friend somewhere is really unkind. I suppose I would hate to think that DD would do this to someone but there again she wouldn't as we've talked about this sort of thing.

Reword it as ‘I’m thinking of getting involved in my 17 year old daughters friendship and telling the mother of her friend that her daughters behaviour is unacceptable. AIBU?’

The answer is yes. Do not do this. Your daughter is 17. The only appropriate response from you is ‘that’s a shame. Have you called her to make sure she’s ok?’ (which you’ve done). And then ‘gosh, that IS strange. I wonder what’s happened’ when there’s no reply.

Calling the friends mother will a) MORTIFY your daughter and b) make you look bonkers.

Personally I would have contacted the other mum immediately. Her DD has disappeared with no explanation, and could be unconscious, abducted or injured somewhere. If the girl is normally reliable, surely you have genuine grounds to be worried about her?
How awful would you feel if she was later found murdered, and you had delayed the search by hours while her mum thought she was safely with her friend?

In terms of contacting the friend you do nothing - they’re 17! You definitely can’t contact her Mum unless you think there are serious issues which prevented her from turning up and are concerned for her welfare. If she’s just being flaky it’s up to your DD to work that out with her.

All you can do is support your DD to instil appropriate boundaries and make it clear that she will not accept being treated like that. If I was your DD I would be messaging the friend and finding out what happened and, assuming she doesn’t have a reasonable reason like some sort of emergency, taking a huge step back from the friendship. I definitely wouldn’t be arranging to meet her again in your DD’s shoes.

Has your dd heard from the friend at all? If not, I would be concerned and urge your dd to call the house/mother just to double check that the friend is ok (thereby revealing herself to be thoughtful and responsible....everything the friend apparently isnt).

Thank you everyone.

I had thought about the 'what if something has happened to her' but realised very quickly that it would be all over social media so very unlikely.

I won't be emailing the Mum, it does make me look a bit bonkers. I know the friends that DD has told have been very surprised and said that it's not on. So at least she has some lovely friends.

I also would contact the mother concerned for her daughters safety. Then if it is a case of the friend ignoring you DD then the mother will know what a nasty thing her DD has done.

DD knows that the girl is ok, I've just asked her.

MyNew - I agree re the boundaries and DD and I have chatted about the friendship and her not letting herself be treated like this. I've told her that she must not say 'it's ok' if the girl says anything to her tomorrow but needs to be clear, in a calm, way that it isn't.

Did your dd try calling her to see where she was? Has she called her or messaged her since to see what happened? I think it would be ott to email the mum.

I’d check she was ok. You don’t know if it would be all over social media. What if she got on the train and something happened. Or on the way to the train. If it’s out of character obvs

She tried to contact the girl straight after. The girl is defo ok because DD has seen other posts from her. I have just said to DD that she should have contacted the friendship group to ask if this girl was ok at the time but it's done now. Thanks everyone.

Well if she’s defo ok then that’s really shit of her. What does your daughter want to do about it?

DD is quite reserved actually and just wants to move on I think. That said I am confident that she knows this type of friend isn't one she needs. We've had the conversation about - what if you are in a night club and your friend just leaves you like this. As said previously I am very hot on her understanding that you look out for and protect each other.

I think as you get older you know that some friends are flakey and can deal with it on your own terms. As a teenager this is more difficult.