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Original poster

AIBU about these 'friends' (posting for traffic here in Chat)

21 replies

LauraandHardy · 02/02/2020 12:23

I wonder if I'm over reacting.

At Christmas I sent short letters in some cards to long time friends some from my school days, others from work (many long distance, some not seen for years but we always send a Christmas note and birthday cards.)

I had to explain the year had been hard as DH had been diagnosed with cancer. (So far he's in the clear but it's early days.)

Two friends have ignored my letter completely. No reply from them at all.
One sent a text saying sorry (I regarded her as the one who might at least phone me.)
One phoned me up the day they got the letter.
Another sent a get well card and letter to DH immediately.

Of the ones who have done nothing, would you drop them? No more birthday or Christmas cards.
It I'd had that news from them, I'd have sent a little card just saying sorry.

OP posts:
plunkplunkfizz · 02/02/2020 12:59

Depending on your wording, perhaps it sounded like the issues were very much behind you and the friends were reluctant to bring it up again? You do use the past tense in your OP.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 02/02/2020 13:04

Are you sure they arrived?
People sometimes don't know what to say.

But, yes, it's poor form.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 02/02/2020 13:06

How long is long distance? Could reply just not have been received yet?

Jojobythesea · 02/02/2020 13:13

I had a similar thing a few years ago when my sibling got cancer. I told a good friend who lived nearby and I saw regularly and didn't hear from her for three months after. It was quite often a one sided friendship but that was it for me.....The end. I've heard she's bad mouthed me as a result but it really did break the camels back.

Original poster
LauraandHardy · 02/02/2020 13:30

plunkplunkfizz It's definitely not behind us as DH is having CT scans every 4-6 months for years to come. It's hard to know what tense to use because I suppose in theory it's not showing on scans but it could be there but too small to see - so the oncol has said.

@Scarletoharaseyebrows Long distance is 100 miles away in the UK or so. I meant they were not friends in the same town or ones I see very much now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LauraandHardy · 02/02/2020 13:32

@plunkplunkfizz I used 'had' in this post because he is not at the moment having chemo or treatment, but he is having ongoing monitoring every few weeks and months.

OP posts:
Original poster
LauraandHardy · 02/02/2020 13:33

@Jojobythesea sorry to hear about your sibling. I've found out through this who really cares for us and TBH I can't be arsed with people who seem heartless.

OP posts:
Scarletoharaseyebrows · 02/02/2020 14:22

I'll stop trying to see the best then.
You've got better friends, OP, than those two.

FraglesRock · 02/02/2020 14:44

Some people can't deal with this. I guess it's even harder if you're long distance relationships. It also depends on how they interpreted what you needed. But yes some acknowledgement would have been nice.

UnleashTheFury · 02/02/2020 15:01

On one hand:
I think it’s a bit odd to write a sad letter within a Christmas card. This is the kind of thing a grandma would do back in the day. It’s a strange old fashioned way to tell someone of bad news.

On the other hand:
If a friend sent me a letter full of bad news I would at the very least send a text follow up or even a phone call. I definitely would not ignore it.

puds11 · 02/02/2020 15:04

Odd thing to send in a Christmas card.

If you feel unsupported by them then by all means don’t bother with them anymore.

I hope you DH is ok Flowers

HollowTalk · 02/02/2020 15:05

You have no idea what age the OP is, though, @unleashthefury, or what their traditions are.

Ellapaella · 02/02/2020 15:05

No matter what the circumstances I think it's poor form to not acknowledge the news about your DH. I really can't think of a reasonable excuse to be honest - they've shown you who they are and how much you mean to them.
Move on and focus on the friends who have taken the time to respond.

lollybee1 · 02/02/2020 15:06

You may have made them feel awkward

rookiemere · 02/02/2020 15:12

I'd like to think if I'd received such a message I would have been in touch, but by sending it in a Christmas letter it possibly got overlooked - I'm ashamed to say I tend to skim read Christmas letters as I assume there will just be general news in them - or they may have meant to do something and then got caught up in the Christmas flow and not found time.

It depends what sort of friends they are. If they are people you perceive to be close friends, then reach out once more and see how they react. Or don't and see if they get in touch.

rookiemere · 02/02/2020 15:15

Also you sound a bit dismissive of the friend who texted you. At least she did send a message, so I'd cut her some slack. I think we're all - and I include myself in this as a middle aged person- much less comfortable with phoning people with no notice and she may not have known what to say or not wanted to interfere.

UnleashTheFury · 02/02/2020 15:17

@HollowTalk
They are using mumsnet.
It’s on the internet.
Using a computer, laptop or phone.

So it’s clear they are not what I was describing

Josette77 · 02/02/2020 15:32

I'm sorry about your DH. That's awful. As far as your friends, I would think if you were close friends you wouldn't have told them in a Christmas card? It just seems odd timing and slightly removed. I would reach out if I were them, but not everyone would. If you were looking for support it seems phoning them and letting them know would have been more direct. Or e-mailing them at another time.

BunnytheBlueWhale · 02/02/2020 15:43

I’m sorry about your DH. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time.

I’ve had a similar experience with friends and faced a similar dilemma. I lost my baby DD last year and some friends were fantastic at the time but I also was shocked by the number of people who didn’t even text me for months after the funeral. I’ll be honest I’m quite a blunt person and some of them I told straight. One of them had excuses why she hadn’t been in touch like she thought I wanted space and didn’t want to intrude but, after I told her I wanted to hear from my friends and I didn’t hear from her for another few months, I cut her out and I told her that. Well I told her I was disappointed she hadn’t been in touch and she had the same excuse about giving me space but I’d told her how I felt about that. I told her I didn’t see how we made up for that now. Another friend wasn’t as bad but is generally just a bit slow at returning calls and texts and she suggested doing something fun after I went back to work but then she would take weeks to reply to texts etc. One day I bumped into her at the train station while raising awareness for baby loss and she pretty much blanked me. I sent what I think was probably a rather harsh text saying I don’t talk a lot about what I’ve been through but I’ve had a tough time and it’s not a lot to ask to hear from a friend now and again it makes a plan without having to text her constantly. To be fair she stepped up and had made more effort since. Other friends I’m just slowly deciding I can’t be bothered with them.

It’s coming up to a year in February and I’m not expecting many of them to remember and get in touch.

For me, the fact that they can’t be there when it matters, means they’re not really friends.

Original poster
LauraandHardy · 02/02/2020 16:34

Thanks for the support.

So sorry to hear about your baby @BunnytheBlueWhale

For other posters...as I said, I only mentioned it in 4 cards. These are people I have known for at least 40 years.

It's a 'tradition' that at Christmas we include a short note/ letter bringing each other up to date with what our DCs are doing, if we're still working, how our parents are (if still alive) . It would have been odd not to have mentioned DH's illness.

I think the two friends who made a special effort to phone and send a card were on the right lines, but the two who didn't (and who I've known for 40+ years but not seen for ages and ages) maybe need to be let go.

One of them came to our wedding, the other I went to hers, so I'd have expected some sort of response.

OP posts:
BunnytheBlueWhale · 02/02/2020 16:48

Thanks OP

I don’t think it’s so strange to mention something in a card especially if that’s how you do things.

They say it’s when times get hard that you find out who your friends are and I think it’s true. Sometimes it’s because maybe you’re not as good friends as you thought and other times it’s just because some people can be quite self absorbed and you don’t always see that until you need them.

I do think part of it is that they don’t know what to say or how to show support. I found after I lost my DD some people said the wrong things but I appreciated they’d said something and tried given that some friends had said nothing.

The ones who texted you and sent a card at least did that. Maybe see how it goes. I have made my own resolution not to chase friends who don’t get in touch with me any more. With some friends I feel I’m always the one to text first or suggest meeting up but after the year I’ve had I just can’t be bothered.

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