Horrible mum guilt.

[YicketyYackMamasBack]

I’m a new mum, DD is one month old.

She’s a good sleeper but she struggled to settle tonight so I went against my own opinion and brought her into bed with me.

Now I’m not a co-sleeping fan, it worries me too much so I should have just stuck with what I know :(

She eventually settled, next to me but with space between us, I removed my pillows and didn’t have any duvet on me.

I woke up to her smushed right into me and I’m terrified she couldn’t breath. I absolutely shot up, haven’t moved so fast since my c section.

I just feel absolutely sick. What if I hadn’t woken up? What if I’ve starved her of oxygen and she’s got brain damage? I’ve changed her bum and fed her and she seems herself, she was a bit warm to touch so I’ve removed her vest and just left her in a sleep suit now.

What if I hadn’t woken up? I just can’t get over how safe she looked when I got her into bed with me and how unsafe she actually was.

I hate co-sleeping. I will never ever do it again. I’ve held her for nearly an hour because I feel so guilty.

I can’t even bring myself to tell DP, he’s always telling me not to fall asleep with her as he is like me, worries about the risks.

I thought it was safe. I feel terrible, like the shittest mum in the world.

You're not and it sounds like she's just fine. I'm also fairly certain she won't have suffered any brain damage at all.

Co sleeping isn't for everyone and I totally understand why you feel a bit freaked out but please don't panic. I am sure she had plenty room to breathe and was just cuddled in.

I'm awake because my ears are still ringing from the 2hrs of ear piercing screaming my 4 month old has just finished. He is finally asleep but I have no idea what caused it. They definitely know how to raise our stress levels!

You're not the shittest mum in the world.
I've done it too and I hate co sleeping and wake up in such a panic it's bloody horrible.
I doubt you have caused any lasting effects. You said yourself she seems fine. She was obviously just comfy next to mummy. We all say 'omg what if' try not dwell on it as you have said you're not going to do it again so you've already learnt from it.
Don't worry about it

Ah that sounds delightful!

I think she had shuffled in and down too much and got stuck because she was squished right up into my side and under my arm, she looked very awkward and I woke up because she was wriggling her head so I think she was trying to get out and get some air. I feel absolutely horrible and can’t get the ‘what ifs’ out of my head.

The thing is, you did wake up and that's what really matters. X

I hope she's more settled now and you manage some sleep. I'm about to try to sleep now, but I have a horrible suspicion DS will be hungry, as usual, at 5ish despite his epic trauma, so I'm not sure there will be much point.

You're not horrible.
It's natural.
I thought I wouldn't but have safely Co slept from day one.

OP, it's nature for you to feel this way and is your motherly instinct that just shows how much you care and love your LO.

I remember when my DS was about 3 weeks old and I fell asleep with him on me and I felt SO guilty when I woke up.

I now co sleep with my 5mo as it's the only way we could get through sleep regression. Slowly trying to get him back to his cot.

Baby is fine, you are fine..it's just one of life's little stresses. Try and get some rest.

Some good advice already but I just wanted to jump in and say this too shall pass - I co slept with dd when she was a little baby and it triggered severe anxiety for me but what helped me was becoming very educated on safe sleeping and trying to design my bed around it as far as possible. It’s easy to feel so overwhelmed with guilt and panic at this phase but talk it through with anyone you trust (dh? Your mum? Health visitor?) if you feel that way.

I hope you are feeling better this morning OP. In the early days with DS1, i was trying to breastfeed and i thought he'd finally got it was was settled into it but when i wriggled, i realised my giant preggo boobs were covering his nose too and he took a huge gasp when i released him. He's nearly 2 and absolutely fine now, but I went through the same worries as you.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. Sleep deprivation is brutal.

Due to the damage done when they got DD out I couldn't easily (if at all)get out of bed for two days so they let her cosleep with me in the hospital bed.

Try not to dwell on it, sounds like she just wanted to snuggle up. I had one of those baby nests next to the bed, they are brilliant if you want to stay close.

Nothing to feel guilty about at all. It sounds as i she just wanted to snuggle up to her mummy while she slept; it's what most baby mammals do.

I'm sure that you won't have caused her any damage at all.

If co-sleeping isn't for you then that's fine: don't beat yourself up for doing it once. But it is safe if done properly and you took sensible precautions.

It’s really stuck in my head.

I had a quick cuddle with DD last night then out her on her own bed and went to sleep. I had a nightmare that we had her in bed with us again but DP rolled over and crushed her. I woke up shouting at DP that he was crushing our baby :( hopefully that was a one off and I don’t keep having nightmares about it!