I'm a grown woman, tell me I'm being ridiculous

[HereForTheHelp]

So we've had a pretty shitty month, in court over a teacher assaulting our disabled child, he was found not guilty because of the horrendous web of lies he span. I was the one on the stand giving evidence on behalf on my non-verbal DS and I know for a fact I haven't processed how bloody traumatic it was.
As well as that, my DS has gotten really violent towards me over the last 2 months, he's strangled and punched me and really made it difficult to look after him by myself (he's 5 and severely autistic).

I've been feeling so numb over it all, I've done as much as I can though. I've reached out and requested a social worker, I've made appointments with different therapies, done all the tasks the social worker suggested, started doing the EHCP plan for our youngest DS and organised all his SALT appointments and taken him to them. I've made sure my own medication for depression and anxiety has been adjusted so I can get through this period.

Obviously I've also been working full time, thankfully I work from home most of the time so I can be a bit more flexible. Anyway, on Friday I finally got a promotion! It's been a few months since it was first mentioned and I've been working SO hard to make sure all the upper management agreed that I should get it. I've even been down to London this month to 'show my face' in the London office and make a really good impression.

My DH has congratulated me, said he's proud of me and really happy but literally nothing else. No card, no flowers, not even a little 'Congrats to my wife' post on Instagram (I know, social media is a lie and doesn't matter blah blah blah). I feel like stamping my foot and shouting that I want some recognition!
For context, he's self employed but every major milestone in his development I've made a big deal about, I've actually gotten him two trophies made! I've also made sure there's cake and maybe a takeaway for dinner and even a little 'Proud of my husband' thing on social media (I know, it's sickening, but we don't get to see our friends ever because of caring for 2 disabled kids).

He is truly wonderful in every way, he's the main 'physical' carer for the boys because they're too fast and strong for me most of the time, he's an amazing dad and we spend 24/7 with each other so he's a pretty amazing husband as well. I just get so tired of being the one who does all the 'brain work'. He's got his own money, it wouldn't have killed him to organise a tiny little surprise would it? It was my birthday 2 weeks ago and I ordered and bought my own bloody cake so it's not as if I usually wallow in self pity.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Should a congratulations be enough? We're both adults, I know this, I'm not usually materialistic. I don't know, I can't even rationalise why I'm feeling so bloody down about this

[Sleeveen]

Unsurprisingly, you sound absolutely burnt out. It’s not just about a cake or a FB post, though, is it? Is it that while he does the physical stuff, you are bearing the entire mental load, making appointments, dealing with legal admin etc?

[GreenTulips]

I’ve never had a cake or a FB post or similar for these types of things and wouldn’t think to do it for DH either. I don’t think it’s something you do as adults? Not from where I’m form anyway. Are you from another country? It jus tonight be different expectations.

[HereForTheHelp]

@Sleeveen you're probably right. I know I need to do something about the court case, take it further, make a formal complaint to the school but I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I think I've been half hoping DH will have done some research and come up with an idea or a next step.

And yes, I do all the appointments, all the bill paying, all the driving, organise the shopping, research and reach out to organisations to see if they can help us, I do pretty much all of it.

I feel really let down by him, I thought he'd make more of a fuss. I've pushed myself so much over the last year, that I know earning a promotion is a big deal but the lack of enthusiasm from him and anyone in my family is making me feel like it's not even an achievement worth celebrating.

[HereForTheHelp]

@GreenTulips no we're not 🙄 but as I said, we never see friends or family because of our caring responsibilities so I use social media quite a bit as a kinda 'update' I also write about life with two disabled children.

I think if I didn't do these things for his successes then I obviously wouldn't expect them in return. But given that I do and have done, I was expecting at least some kind of celebration. And given the lives we have to lead, any kind of achievement like this is a bloody miracle. Most parents in our position don't even manage to work, never mind study and become more senior.

[HeddaGarbled]

I’m kind of in the middle on this one: trophies and social media posts are embarrassingly over the top, but a celebratory take-away and bottle of wine would have been thoughtful.

[EmptyFieldOfFucks]

Perfectly reasonable to celebrate achievements the way you do. And perfectly normal to feel put out that your efforts when it's your husband, aren't reciprocal when you achieve something.

I know people who are always just fine and dandy with things and don't feel the need for recognition. I'm not one of those people. I need a small fuss from my partner. I need the birthday cards, the positive comments when I've made an effort with my appearance etc. I need validation.

I'm sorry you've gone through shit with that teacher. Sounds rough. You do definitely sound burnt out. I've been feeling the same recently. I have two children with special needs and have my own problems and a partner I can't connect with, there's a moral lack of relationship.

[EmptyFieldOfFucks]

Total, not moral

[PityParty4one]

My mum says sometimes you have to blow your own trumpet because if you wait for others to do it you will be waiting a long time.

I do loads for others. I do it because it makes me happy. Its hardley reciprocated. It used to bother me then I realised I dont have to do this. Nobody actually asks me to it's my choice.
He did congratulate you it may not be the fanfare you want but wants wrong with celebrating your own achievements?

Organise a meal out or a meal in. Announce that you have earned a promotion. Celebrate yourself dont be a martyr like me

[Sleeveen]

Well, if it makes the slightest difference, I read your OP with total admiration that you were managing all of that and still putting one foot in front of the other, far less also getting a promotion on top of what sounds like a punishing schedule at a difficult time.

Can you sit down with your DH and parcel up the tasks between you, to separate your entirely understandable resentment at him not pulling his weight (why isn’t he?) from his lack of celebration of your promotion, and then address that separately? Is part of the problem that he views you as Superwoman and hence not in need of cake and cards like ordinary mortals? Or that you do all the thinking ahead, planning etc for other people and he simply doesn’t get (how, I don’t know) that someone else needs to do these for you from time to time?

[GarlicSoup]

Congratulations on your promotion OP

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

You have been through all that, work full time and just be been promoted

Wow that’s fantastic

I know not you want this from you dh I think when people come across as level headed and able to manage everything they do seem to get less praise or recognition - not fair I know and often people just assume you cope

But really well done

[HereForTheHelp]

@HeddaGarbled if it helps, he's a small YouTuber and at 100,000 subscribers you get a plaque from YouTube. He's got a bit to go yet so I got him two small trophies when he hit lower milestones. I don't just get him them for doing good work 😂

And the social media posts aren't over the top for me, I think because we don't see or speak to family very often it's kinda nice to say we're doing well. We're not close enough to anyone to text them individually and that can get very lonely and isolating, social media helps that feeling lessen

[HereForTheHelp]

Thank you all, I feel so pathetic. I'm hovering between knowing I should let it go and getting quite angry and thinking I should tell him how I feel

@Sleeveen your advice is perfect and I know you're right. I think because he does the majority of child related care, often making dinner and gets up with them at 5am I feel like I can't complain about a single thing. I would LOVE to be able to bring them downstairs alone at 5am but my eldest DS just constantly attacks me and I physically can't get him off of me. I do most of the night shifts though, keeping an ear if they're a bit disturbed and making sure the sensor alarms are all on, changing nappies, settling them back down etc.

[differentnameforthis]

For those focusing on the cake and the social media, it is SO not about the cake and SM. It's about everything you do going unrecognized, yet being the one expected to make it all happen.

I know, because I live it too. My dd is asd, and I do the bulk of her care and looking after the home. I got a promotion, nothing was said/done. My dh got one (before me) and we were all expected to go out and celebrate with him.

I have a different diet to my family, he goes shopping and can't get my food "because I can't find it all" (it's mainly fish and veges, chicken, plain sauses etc) but if I genuinely forget something when I do it, I'm isolating him, and making our family about us v him.

He stopped following me on fb because he "didn't want to read your shit" (mainly about DV and women's rights) yet when he started to follow me again, he doesn't like it that I don't like this posts (about football)

Congratulations on your promotion, op.

[differentnameforthis]

Sorry op, that was a bit verbal vomit-y...what I wanted to say was that I understand. I get it, and it sucks.

My friend bought me some of my favorite snacks as a congratulations, so if she can find my food, he sure as hell can.

It's just that it doesn't suit him to want to.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Op I totally get that it sucks

You deserve recognition for the amazing job you are doing at work and at. home

I would tell him how you feel. If you don’t think you can do it calmly write him a letter.

And in the meantime know that you are awesome. Hope the promotion is awesome

[Guineapigbridge]

Sorry but I think you're being a bit unreasonable and a bit needy. He is not a mind reader - most men aren't - so you have to be direct with communicating your needs. E.g. "I'm so proud of myself getting this promotion. I think this means you'll be taking me out for dinner!"

[Guineapigbridge]

Congrats on holding it all together AND getting promoted by the way, OP

[IgnoranceIsStrength]

I think you need to let it go. It sounds like he doesnt see the need to go over the top for a promotion with posts and cakes etc. My DH is exactly the same..if I asked him he would do it but it isn't how he was raised and he doesnt like the fuss if I was to do something like that for him

[Thewheelsarefallingoff]

He must be exhausted and stressed too. It sounds like you are both going through a really difficult time. Go easy on each other if you can. Congratulations on your promotion.

[Oulu]

Have Social Services done a full care assessment? If not you need to push for this, and talk about respite care. It sounds like you desperately need regular breaks.

[differentnameforthis]

No one is a mind-reader, and you don't have to be in order to know that a hard earned promotion is something that the person would want to mark, somehow.

[2stepsonthewater]

You really have to tell him how you feel. Simmering resentment isn't good for you or for your relationship. 'When I got the promotion and you didn't do anything special to mark it, it made me feel ....... I do appreciate everything you do with the kids but I am also feeling burnt out, and it would be nice if you could make some effort to celebrate my achievement, maybe you could .... '