Posting in the hope that it will keep me busy and take my mind off how I feel.
I have had a really horrible few months, in and out of hospital, admissions, scans, tests, medication. They finally found what is causing the problems and I have had treatment and I was starting to feel so much better but was told that the treatment I had could make me better and that will be the end of it or I could become unwell again and have to stay on the medication long term.
When I was unwell my mental health took a really bad hit - I had a nervous breakdown, couldn’t leave the house, talk on the phone or to anyone other than my partner and children. I had all these people around me but could not communicate with them. I would lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time when the children were at school and just cry, sometimes I would cry so much I would be sick, couldn’t go to sleep at night because I was having horrible nightmares, even thinking about leaving the house would cause panic attacks.
As the treatment for my health problem started to work my state of mind improved massively so the doctor said that the illness was more than likely the cause of my mental health problem and I should be gentle with myself and I would feel better.
I have felt great for the last three weeks, much more energy, I’ve even managed a few hours back in work (I am so lucky that my boss has been really understanding and is letting me go back at my own pace) and I have been spending time with my closest friend and my sister.
Yesterday I noticed that I was feeling a bit funny again - almost detached from everything, like I was doing things but i was watching myself do them rather than actually doing them. I’ve got an awful headache, my eyes won’t focus properly I can’t concentrate on anything and I don’t want to see or speak to anyone. This is how I felt before I fell ill, I ignored it and put it down to being tired/ run down/ hormonal... I am so afraid of being ill again, I don’t want to get blue lighted into hospital again, I don’t want to spend days in hospital again and I don’t want to push everyone away again incase I loose them forever.
I don’t know if i just need to see my gp on Monday and get repeat blood tests or if I need to go and see someone today (but it would be hospital/ out of hours not my gp and I would have to explain everything that has happened as they won’t know anything about me)
Sorry for the brain dump, I wish I could just run away from myself for a few hours 