Tips on how to work effectively with someone you dislike intensely..

[crosser62]

Colleague who is part of a very very small team.
I am consummately professional of course.
From next week I will have to work extremely closely with this person, much much closer than I have ever had to do in the past. This will be for the foreseeable future.

I am going to really struggle.
This colleague has just returned to work after a prolonged period of sickness related to mh so I have a deep sympathy for this but I just know, this isn’t going to go well in such and intense environment.

I won’t go into why we don’t get on, it’s personality clash, and I know I am one of many many people who do not find this person easy to work with or like. (Numerous complaints and issues dealt with at a management level concerning this individual, not from me though)

I nor colleague can be moved, this is not and option.

So in this situation, your tips, hints and advice for managing this.

It’s my dream job, I can see it being completely derailed by this issue though and I’m gutted by this prospect.

Punch to the throat... not advised then???

Been there and got the t-shirt , totally empathise as it’s so difficult !! I literally used to go in, and I’d change my mindset every single morning to think positively . I know it sounds cheesy when all you want to do is punch them 🤣 but tell yourself it’s going to be a good day, go in, do your job , talk to them about work only and not personal life etc , keep it work only . Hope that helps ! It helped me (until I moved 🤣)

Maybe try to find some areas of common ground? No idea, but I am in a similar boat so hope someone more helpful comes along soon!

I have done this for almost 4 years, except the colleague is my boss. I'm job hunting. I'm not an anxious person but I'm in a constant state of stress at work, I now have eczema and psoriasis for the first time ever which I think is stress related. It's not worth it. The environment is toxic and will never change.

I wish I could offer you some advice OP but all I can offer is sympathy.

I was in a similar situation with someone (but she'd come back from maternity leave rather than sick leave). I loathed her. I have never disliked anyone so much in my entire career. She was selfish, lazy, self-serving and a liar but very well-connected in the organisation so she was 'protected'. In the end I left my job. I left for reasons largely unrelated to her but my God it was blissful not having to engage with her every day. It was a huge weight off my shouders.

Sorry that doesn't help you but I feel your pain.

Been there.
There atm.
I find it easier to win them over. Focus on something positive and fake it for the we sake of work.
It makes life easier

Is her behaviour actually bad/difficult, or are you just very different? Makes a difference in how you handle it, both practically and psychologically.

When you say personality clash, does it affect the way either of you work, such as a conflict in working style? If so, that needs to be out in the open, it makes life so much easier. Could you start completely fresh, and have a chat to kick off this new working together, so you have a clear plan of how you're going to approach things, hopefully with joint input? (And keep a record in case it goes badly later and you're doing all the work.)

Could you start with work-related common ground, so aim to get some agreement on the very basic goals: "we want to do a good job" "we care about the work we do" - staying out of the detail of how you work, just agreeing basics. If you can't agree that, it gives you something to discuss with your manager anyway! If you can, then you can move onto talking about what you each think your own strengths are, and if there are particular ways of working that might help you both play to those. If you are good at prioritising, but she is good at fine detail, for example, that can work well. If you are good in a crisis, but she is good at keeping the routine things going, there are also ways to make that work. I'm not suggesting either of you get to only play to your strengths, but it might help to be honest about them.

Thank you all very much for your replies, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this situation.

Personality clash is that the colleague brings across a superior attitude towards other colleagues. Sees many tasks as beneath them. These are essential tasks.

This colleague is secretive, superior, does not engage unless they see fit to speak with staff, is dismissive and does whatever they want whenever they want. Disappears and doesn’t answer to anyone.

Things have now changed.

Mutteringdarkly thankyou for your suggestions.
We meet for the first time on Monday.
I have suggested a coffee and a chat about how we plan to proceed, as you suggest. Find a common work ground.
Go from there.

They will now be policed, monitored and will have to communicate fully with me.

I’m tolerant to a degree, but cannot put up with the way this individual is with staff.

I can tell you're worried about being outed, hence 'they' etc, but can you give us an example of a similar scenario?

She seems to want to pick and choose what she does within the job role - is there a way of splitting tasks so you each have sole responsibility for certain tasks?

That’s been the issue. This person has done their own thing, jealously guarded it and so went off sick with absolutely no one knowing how to do what they did.
This left the department in an embarrassing situation.
So the plan is transparency, each member of the team being able to do what everybody can do so it’s a seamless service. So divided roles does not work.

This person will have to get on board with this, but given my description of their behaviour, it’s going to be challenging.

Our direct line manager is very fragile after a horrific personal bereavement, we all feel protective and very very concerned that we do not overburden them.
I need this to go smoothly with as little conflict as possible. But I am finding it difficult to accept that we will all have to walk on egg shells around this difficult colleague.
It will be them who will have to adjust their behaviour in order to fit into the changes since they have been off.

Perhaps this is a useless suggestion, but would it be possible to use Microsoft Teams instead of email to help with transparency and to do as much as possible in writing to put some physical distance between you?

I feel for you. I was in a similar position earlier except my colleague would not acknowledge his mental illness and had the ear of the head of department. Also, our work was supposed to be confidential and was not to be done over email we had interminable unpleasant meetings that lasted well into the evening. Dinner was often served. I could not eat around that colleague. I ended up quitting.

Our computers are right next to each other. I cannot escape.

I can only suggest that you and your colleagues do everything you can to get her chucked out. This may happen naturally if she's as difficult as you say. After all, if there are whole areas of the job she won't do, she will not be performing properly.

Who or what is keeping her in her job? Someone must be backing her up.

@ArthurDentsSpaceTowel is that not bullying and harassment?

One tactic is to make sure that this person does not change your behaviour (and that's a challenge). If you've been effectively 'dumped' with a problem colleague, it can impact on your behaviour without you recognising it. And (depending on the office politics) if you're not careful a causal comment can rebound on you. And as suggested above, legitimate objections / complaints can be misinterpreted as bullying.
Maintaining professional boundaries helps. Always being seen to be the "neutral professional". Record everything via email - all actions etc. Find a safe confidential source of support to bounce off issues. Also, protective as you must feel for your line manager, it is not fair for any management of this to be delegated to you unless you also get the status / responsibility that goes with it?
Good luck - it can be so difficult to deal with.

@crosser62 I sympathise - it can be hard work trying to second guess how to deal with someone who’s determined to do everything themselves and be territorial over their work.

I think the way you will get the best results is by getting on side with her. Genuinely try to find things in common and try and understand where she’s coming from. Easier said than done of course but if you’re complaining about her with other colleagues and mentally labelling her as ‘the problem’ she will pick up on this and will probably be more inclined to be defensive - she may need extra support too settling back in after a break for MH reasons.

Any negotiation starts with empathy. It’s surprising what concessions people are prepared to make when they feel understood and appreciated.

It’s surprising what concessions people are prepared to make when they feel understood and appreciated.

I would be very careful with showing empathy to unreasonable people. I tried that with my horrible colleague before realising how ill and mentally perverted he was and it emboldened him even more.

OP, of course my experience may not apply to your situation so ignore my caveat as appropriate.

@Wereallsquare good point also

Bamboo - not necessarily, if she genuinely isn't up to the job. It's nothing to do with making her life miserable, more that if she really can't/won't do what's being asked of her, this should be made apparent to those managing her, and if necessary this may have to involve letting her go.

you and your colleagues do everything you can to get her chucked out

@arthurdent

I think that crosses the line, personally. Making the company aware of issues where relevant is fair enough and something different.

I think your plan is good, and as the team aim is transparency, document EVERYTHING to do with work tasks - if you don't already have a team system, set one up, shared with the manager, so tasks assigned to you/colleague are all clear, and progress is updated regularly. Basically, make it so there is no way the colleague can hide if they're dodging tasks they dislike or not doing their share. That should mean it's picked up quickly too, hopefully before things get out of hand.

Don't walk on eggshells. Your aim is to get the job done well. Ideally you'll be able to work together to achieve that, but if that doesn't succeed, you will want to be able to show you behaved professionally. That doesn't mean tiptoeing round them though - being polite, calm and consistent, and treating them like any other team member, is plenty!

Thanks again everyone.
You have kindly confirmed that my plan is the way to go.

I am not about to be embroiled in any bullying tactics.

I have asked for an on line joint diary so that everyone can diarise their week.
I have asked for a weekly meeting with our direct line manager to outline our plans for the week as a team. Our plans, goals, any issues we can foresee.
This also provides a neutral and open forum with a witness to any stumbling blocks.
I have a list of things that I want to discuss with my colleague, this I aim to approach as “needing advice and clarification “.
There are many many changes that have been put in place while they have been off sick, these all need discussing and embedding. This I think would be detrimental to just dump from above, so I think these need to be introduced at the weekly meeting with manager. Bit by bit.

Because this colleague has never been policed or questioned previously, now he has me and a very aware line manager, I believe that behaviour is going to have to change.
I’m very worried about what I am about to uncover, their shortfallings are going to be exposed.

I dislike them as a person too. I’ve got my work cut out for me haven’t I.

You sound like you've got a good approach to this.

I line manage someone who is exceptionally difficult. Divisive and manipulative. Absolutely the opposite of the approach I favour and very hard to pin down to deal with.

You have my sympathy. Dynamics like this are utterly draining.