I'm falling to pieces.

[PinkGinAndTacos]

I'm a single mum. I work ft. My daughter has developed mh issues and is refusing to go to school. These problems have been going on a while and in many respects have got better but the school refusal is the latest thing and I'm completely shattered from it. I've made an appointment with a private therapist (fuck knows how I'm going to pay for it) and I'm hoping from there we will be able to work on getting her back into school slowly.
The school refusal means after dropping my son at school I have to get dd to my mums and then collect her after work. I'm not getting home until gone 7 most nights. I've a mouth full of ulcers, a cold sore, an infection in my ear, thrush, I can feel the strain it is taking on my body.
Tonight she woke me up after I'd gone to.sleep and started squealing at the top of her lungs and laughing manically, jumping all over me. Pretty sure she woke the neighbor's- that was gone 1. I've hidden the wifi box so she cant go online tomorrow. I'm tired beyond belief. I'm dreading the morning but the wifi needs to go..

This then leads on to my relationship.....its obviously really tough to conduct one in these circumstances. My boyfriend has been in my daughters life since she was small (over 7 years) and she looks at him like a dad. He refers to her as his step daughter. However I feel.he picks and chooses the parts he wants to participate in. He will watch me struggle then offer to help as I'm finishing something. Hes offered to take my son out to get a very overdue haircut tomorrow. The son I get to spend zero time with whilst I'll be left dealing with dd and her mood swings. I told him at Christmas I didn't want an elaborate gift, the best thing he could do is cook dinner a couple of times a week or pay for a cleaner for a couple of weeks and take the pressure off of me. He ignored that and bought me a laptop. (Dont get me wrong, I love the laptop and had been moaning for ages that I desperately need a.new one and couldn't afford it, but a laptop isn't going to wash the dishes or Hoover up when I'm exhausted)
I often have to choose between a bath and sleep. I'm beyond being physically tired. My mind feels tortured. Even when I get in bed to sleep at night I cant relax and turn off because I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the day ahead and trying to fit too much in. He looked at me the other night and told me "if you carry on like this you'll end up in hospital " I thought, I bloody hope so. It would be a nice break. He still didn't offer to help. He does help with some things when I ask him to but I find it really difficult to ask.in the first place. I feel.like I al.ost owe him somehow if i ask for a favour.
Hes supposed to be over tomorrow and i dont really want to see him. I resent his freedom massively. I dont get how he can profess to love me and not then help when things are so overwhelmingly shit. We had a big talk.at Christmas and he promised things would change but hes carried on putting himself first and nothing has.
I know if I split up with him dds problems will spiral out of control.
This is massively outing so if anyone knows me in real life be nice. I'm tired beyond belief.

Chances are after getting this off my chest I'll fall asleep but would appreciate the replies for the morning.

OP, how old are your kids? And what is it that’s making you so exhausted? - not saying you shouldn’t be but 7 isn’t an unusual time to get back from work. Are you trying to do too much and could let some things slide a bit?

Do you feel like you are looking after 3 kids instead of 2? He still doesn't live with you after being with you for now long? I think you are being emotionally drained by this guy who isn't hands on. Maybe have a break from him so you can focus on your children.
Also join some home ed groups on FB. You may find some fun and free activities for your daughter to go to whilst you are at work.

Kids are 12&13
I get in at 7. Start cooking dinner. Do homework with my son. Try to put a load of washing on or just keep the house ticking over......by Friday its an absolute shit hole and I have to spend most of sat morning cleaning. Dd takes up masses of time. She needs supervision at bed time. If its quite then she usually destroying something......usually mine or my son's possessions.
Once shes in bed I have a tiny bit of time with my son then he goes to bed and I need to clear up from dinner, get things ready for the morning. Sometimes I just pass out with tiredness. I usually got to bed at 11/12 then back up at 6.30. That's if dd doesnt wake or get in bed and kick me all night.
Maybe I'm just being a miserable c**t and need to accept that this is my life. But the tiredness is crippling.

I suggested a break when me and bf talked at Christmas. He cried because he didn't want that.

It isn't for other people to say 'well I get in at 7 and I'm coping just fine'. It's very clear that you are having a hard time with this and are fatigued by it all, which by the way sounds totally reasonable. Sounds like you need to tell your OH that you are not waving, but drowning, in totally explicit terms so there can be no doubt. If he doesn't step up then, you know where you stand.

Do you have family /friends who you can look to for support? Or can your child's school refer you to someone?

The school should have access to a CAHMS team. Have you actually talked this through with school? Your child probably will not be the only girl of that age with mental health issues. They will be very used to dealing with these issues.

I dont get how he can profess to love me and not then help when things are so overwhelmingly shit. We had a big talk.at Christmas and he promised things would change but hes carried on putting himself first and nothing has.

Words are cheap. He is showing you who he is and what you can expect of him. He will not change, whatever he tells you. His crying when you wanted a break is pure manipulation.

I know if I split up with him dds problems will spiral out of control.

Why do you say that? I think not having to worry about your boyfriend's uselessness will free a lot of head space for you, and most likely you'll feel less emotionally drained.

We've had endless meetings with the school. A CAMHS referral has been submitted but theres a wait. I've literally called anyone and everyone in terms of agencies and charities with regards to dd. We get met by brick walls, waiting lists and call backs but not a lot changes, hence approaching a private therapist.
My family are helping with dd so I can work but they've got their own shit going on. My mum had to have BCC removed from her face yesterday and we found out theres more. I don't want to stress her any more than I have to.
A lot of dds issues are daddy issues from her bio dad messing her up so much. This would just be another man letting her down. Bf offered to pay half of the therapy but I dont feel comfortable with him doing that. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he can thrown money at the situation to fix it. I'm not in the slightest bit materialistic. Fancy things are lovely but not my priority. I know it was a kind gesture but not the one I was looking for.

Has your DD seen a GP? A teenager should not be waking you up laughing magically and this really isn't sustainable for you. Your DC are old enough for you to start to gain some freedom, even If it's a walk for an hour on a Saturday or whatever. Feeling that your daughter's issues with her dad have messed her up can cause a lot of guilt and for you put up with the situation that is clearly driving you in to the ground. Do you have any annual leave left that you can take or could you book some for April to recharge a bit from work? Are SS involved due to your DD? If not I'd be giving them a call for support

My gp just tells me the school need to.do a CAMHS ref. I called the school nurse and am waiting for an appointment. I also called first response which is part of ss and they are deciding if they can help or if they need to signpost me to other agencies. Getting help.pretty much consists of calling people, pouring your heart out to them for them to tell you there probably isn't much they can do, speak to this department. I've been on numerous parenting courses to appease them. Weve been under a psychologist who basically told me there was nothing wrong. Now to get a ref to the psychologist she would have to already be diagnosed with a disability (which I thought was the job of the psychologist) so its just one massive vicious circle.

I'm going to try and speak to my local MP but I'm not sure if that will help.

That's so frustrating for you. Local MPs can help but actually I've seen persistence with those agencies pay off. Be clear on what you need to push endlessly for it. I know it's hard because no doubt you dont feel that you have the energy but change must start somewhere. Those agencies will also be quick to tell you how you should change and to find all the solutions. Turn the tables and ask the school what are they doing to support her attendance? What are they doing to identify and resolve any issues? What are they doing about maintaining the education she is entitled to in her absence? Ask CAMHs and SS what they are doing to support you and your family. A psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose MH issues but equally so can a GP. I would also reach out to any family support groups or groups for parents of teens with MH issues in your area. Be aware of your language because if its MH related then it's not a disability as such. I only say this because DSS was given a casual diagnosis by a CAMHs worker of depression and anxiety (no MH history simply one bad day at school) and went around telling everyone he was 'mentally disabled' and could therefore do what he wanted.

The school are sending work home and offering a reduced time table of 1/2 day. Dd says its too big a jump and she needs it set lower do I will have go negotiate with them on Monday.

Dd is aware that any diagnosis is a means to getting help.and not a free pass to behave however she wants.
Shes had s huge outburst this morning, trashed her room and called me every name under the sun. All because I refused to switch the internet back on and I wanted her to eat some lunch.
My mum invited us out for a coffee.......dd didn't want to leave the house. I've managed to get her to go but we are just going to my mums. I'm worried about how much shes isolates herself.

In the meantime cleaned the house. Dorted a gift for my aunts birthday and run a few quick errands.
Had a massive row with bf because I hadn't heard from him all morning so text him to say we were going out and I'd let him know when we were home although he has keys so can let himself in if he so wishes.
Hes annoyed with me that I haven't text him all morning to check when he'd be over. That I've just gone out. I feel like I can't win. I'm exhausted from dd this morning/last night and needed to get out. So fed up of always being the bad guy.

He hasn't called or text after his rude outburst earlier. I saw my mum a d ended up falling asleep on her. She cooked me fish fingers for tea and I felt like a little 8 year old again
Sometimes you just need your mum.