'I'm not responsible for how my actions make you feel.' Carte blanche for shitty behaviour?

[RedShoppingBag]

I've been having a think about this idea. I get it to a certain point but where's the line?

BeTheRabbit what's your take on the examples I gave earlier in the thread?

In the situations you described you are not acting unreasonably, nor seeking to do harm therefore you would never need the justfier of not being responsible for others feelings. You would be upholding boundaries /standards/whatever you would like to all it in a respectful fashion mindful ofall involved...which is all you could reasonably do... You would therefore, I think, not feel the need to explain, being sure of that yourself... But if you act and immediately feel the need to explain as per the OP has outlined it's because you know somewhere inside that you are not acting fairly or reasonably. It's like the person who says "I don't mean to be rude, but.." knowing that the but will be followed by something very rude indeed.

Ok in that case I see your point - people who feel the need to say it, especially frequently, may fall into that category.

I must admit I was thinking of the concept as an antidote to "be kind" which I think has become a stick to (metaphorically) beat women and children and sometimes young men, especially very young men/ teens with. In the situations I described people are often made to feel responsible for the feelings of others at their own expense, and making someone less powerful (like a child, a subordinate, a woman if you're a man, anyone in a vulnerable position) responsible for your feelings can be and is fairly regularly used to bully, manipulate, intimidate and control.

As a "thing to go around saying" it's a bit shitty, but as an antidote to "be kind -as long as you're not a healthy independent adult man, then you don't have to be" it has its place.

Essentially I think it pivots on the power balance - although as in the doorstep chuggers/ aggressive beggars/ doorstep cleaning products sales exactly who has more power might be argued about - one person has more economic power, but the other is being (perceived as?) physically intimidating and exploiting social conditioning to treat people kindly and politely...

People can be trained to control their emotions, even while being threatened. That's why some police officers and some soldiers have been convicted of assaults and even murder.

But that's not controlling how you feel, it's controlling how you react to those feelings. These are not the same.

Yes we absolutely do have to think about and to a degree, take responsibility for how our actions and words can make someone feel. But they also have to take the responsibility for how they process and deal with those feelings.

It's like if someone says something insulting that makes you feel angry so you lash out - they have responsibility for saying those words that made you angry, but it's not their fault that you hit them!! You should've controlled your temper.

All too easy to victim blame in an attempt to justify shitty behaviour.

I'm seeing someone I know rewriting some totally unprofessional and bullying behaviour on social media as "I'm not responsible for how people react to me". Up to a point, darling...but a shit is a shit no matter how you choose to reframe it.

Sometimes it's an absolute get-out-of-jail-free card but then the abusive "You made me do X" is a different animal altogether.

I agree with @nibdedibble

I'm against the weoponising of offense to shut down those with opposing views no matter how hideous those views are. Sooner or later everyone has an unpopular opinion about something. I'd rather debate people than cancel them. I hate the thought police.

Thanks for everyone's responses. They're all very interesting.

My bullies would have LOVED this statement. It absolves them of the need to feel guilt for beating me the colour of an aubergine, making me contemplate suicide, or for giving in to their filthy urges.

Hurting people is wrong pretty much all the time, but occasionally you come across someone who needs to feel abject terror to keep everyone else safe.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome it can't be applied t feelings abouto physical bullying can it? That's very clear cut assault!

This statement is about the emotions people feel as a result of actions which could be argued to be neutral or unrelated.

If your bully had said "he took the last portion of chips at lunch in the canteen and made me feel angry, so I beat him up" it would be right to point out that you were not responsible for how your actions made your bully feel, and his inability to or choice not to regulate the illegal, antisocial violent behaviour he was justifying by making you responsible for his emotions..

RedShoppingBag aren't you going to contribute to the thread? How rude!