No Social Media Please, we’re old school!

[WingingIt101]

Hi all.

My dh and I are expecting our first baby in 8 weeks and have kept the whole pregnancy off social media and decided we do t want pictures of our child sharing online. No judgement of people that do choose to do this but for us it’s not right; we would like our children to grow up away from SM and enjoy the freedoms of not having images of them posted online before they are old enough to understand or consent to it. We also don’t like the idea of photos being shared outside of people we know well - we are part of the last generation to grow up without smart phones or really prolific/easy access email and digital sharing and so that may be influencing us!

My parents are SM addicts. Will share any old crap either from groups they are part of or about their own lives and ours, and my in laws like to share photos with their entire phone book (although with the volume of pics that go to every flipping group on WhatsApp I wonder if they just don’t realise they are sending stuff to everyone 😂)
We would like to share pictures and stories with family who will care that baby wingingit are carrots for the first time that day etc but do not want the inevitable forwarding to dozens of others or social media sharing, or indeed that of photos or videos taken by them.

How can we kindly say we want others to enjoy the kids and get pictures and videos but not to share them with the world and his wife on social media or otherwise? Please don’t flame for “no one else will care that much about your child” or “surely it’s nice that others will love and want to show off the baby” - we are so lucky to have such a loving family and I hope They all do enjoy seeing and having photos with the kid(s) but just in a more traditional way that doesn’t involve them being shared with Karen that my mum hadn’t seen in 50 years and the guy that used to come and clean the windows!!

In my experience its a very difficult conversation that falls on deaf ears and a very difficult second conversation after they've done it the first time. It's so things like family events at Xmas etc where extended family haven't been informed of the rules and post things. The more distant the relative the harder it Is to enforce.
We had to relax our rules slightly as to not really badly fall out with people. As a result, there are a few pics of DS on fb that I'm not really happy about but it's not the end of the world.

We don’t have our baby on SM and only share photos with a select few who know not to forward onto anyone. In fact we had found out one member of the family was forwarding on images and we had to tell them we would not be sending any more (there is a safeguarding issue for us) if there is a family gathering and people are taking photos we just remind them none are to be put on SM. A lot of my friends don’t have their children on FB or have very rare pictures.

@BethanyGilbert that app sounds brilliant, I’m going to have a look for sure!
@Elephantonascooter I agree I wouldn’t want to have a big fall out with anyone over it - I’m sure there will be loads of situations where we want a specific thing for our child and others think they know better / do differently so it’s a case of how best to talk about it clearly and still kindly. I’m a bloody nightmare for dancing around a topic I worry might upset someone then coming out of it having not been clear!!

I have a friend who doesn’t allow her children’s photos on social media and it’s been fine for them.

Her family all post frequently and it’s never been an issue, they just don’t post pictures of her kids.

It’s worked so well for them that her eldest DC is in the 4th grade and I have absolutely no idea what they look like!

Honesty I just had a chat with both sets. I said we want to leave it up to baby to decide when they want to be online. Please respect that. And they have! And my mum is also an avid poster (think entire albums dedicated to redecorating a room). We did have to remind in laws when they set a picture as a profile picture, and it was a bit tense as they took offense saying the picture was about their happiness. But in the end they took it down and never posted anything since. We've got to 2 years old with nothing posted by people I know (can't speak for when he is in the background of strangers photos etc!)

Just ask them not to share photos.

One of my closest friends doesn't share any photos of her children on social media, talking about it last week as I only post monthly update photos of ds, she said the only time it is difficult or stressful is family occasions as there are people who she doesn't see often that will upload photos of the children because they simply just don't know, so she asks them to remove them, usually people are quite understanding when she says "but dh and I don't share photos, so please don't"

Everyone she's asked not to share photos when we've been out and taken pictures has completely respected it.

Our family use Lifecake which someone else has mentioned further up this thread. It's brilliant and really easy to use. Just tell your family how you feel and why. When my granddaughter was born, I asked if it was okay to share a photo on Social Media ( it was) and I do it, rarely, however I always check that it's okay first.

No pictures online and I have signed forms for both children in primary and before at Pre school saying no to being used for promotional material online. My family know this and h’s family know this - h btw doesn’t fully get my reasoning but accepts it. I don’t even have social media accountants. I told my mum I was pregnant she told my aunt who in turn told my cousins. I didn’t realise that was old fashioned - they are late primary age now.

We do it. It's absolutely ridiculous what people do in SM with their kids - put such personal info too - their names, date if birth etc etc

The best solution of all is to leave Facebook so that you can't be tagged. I did this eventually and it's liberating!

Totally agree with OP.

We have told everyone from the outset no photos to be put on social media. If someone takes a photo we immediately say not for FB.

If they are family or true friends they should respect your request.

So far there has been no mention of our baby or photos on social media. 🤞

You can keep you DC off social media effectively. We both have fb accounts but have never posted or even really mentioned our DC (i keep account as found its was only way to learn about baby groups, local events, etc). We told PIL (my DP don’t use social media) and only had one issue when eldest was baby but photograph got removed quickly. We didn’t have to specifically say to any friends or other relatives (I have a DS and cousin who post frequently) they’ve always left my DC out of fb posts knowing I don’t post myself as that’s the respectful thing to so. When a baby one baby group did post pictures of the “group” I decided to ignore and didn’t comment or let myself be tagged. I figured nothing lined me to this picture so who would actually know one of those 15 babies were mine. If I though identifiable I’d have had no issue asking the group leader to remove. Similar with toddler group with DC was in background. Again not tagged I didn’t “like” picture no one I know ever commented so don’t think it was identifiable.

My eldest is now 7 and Had no social media presence. We did have a discussion around school and nursery posting. I didn’t want my child to be “left out” (although I’m sure schools would manage to avoid a child feeling this) and I’ve found I also enjoy seeing their pictures as gives me a glimpse into their school day I’d otherwise not have. There are no names posted and it’s generally group “action” shots. Again I don’t comment or like these posts so am not directly linked into them (but do save pictures for myself!). I’m not entirely comfortable with it but again feel it’s low exposure for my children. As they get older it goes get trickier as they mixing with other families but so far I’ve found people to be generally respectful of not posting other children without asking parents. Oldest DC has been in background or group shots in few birthday parties. Just same as before really. If I felt it wasn’t appropriate I’d ask the other parent to remove but I can’t control everything as they mix outside of just family and have accepted these pictures rather than face a difficult conversation with parents of DC classmates (if close up or multiple pictures I’d have no issue saying I’d prefer them not to post of my DC). Obviously I have no safeguarding concerns or I’d have to be much more proactive. This is just personal preference and so far I’ve not had any real issues. I think it helps that my DH is completely in same page as me and called out his DM early on when one picture went on.

So to cut long story short - yes you can keep DC off social media and no there is nothing wrong with trying to do this. I got few puzzles questions from friends (we never see your DC why don’t you post ... I just say we prefer not to and change topic). It’s tricky as it could be taken as a direct criticism of them if they post loads of pics of their DC and it’s not meant to be at all. It’s just a different parenting approach).

How can we kindly say we want others to enjoy the kids and get pictures and videos but not to share them with the world and his wife on social media or otherwise?

You set the media so it can not be shared, choose your settings

You set the media so it can not be shared, choose your settings

Maybe someone will come along and contradict me but surely that makes no difference when anyone who sees the photo can screenshot it and post absolutely anywhere or am I being an old fogey by not knowing how to stop screen shotting?

There are photograph media sites which you can’t copy and paste - if you screen shot the page has a stamp across the front to show you “stole” it

coconuttelegraph My dds old sports club had one for sharing photographs but the security meant public couldn’t take the ohotos

We don't share photos due to our job, however we do let school post photos as long as never associated with their surname. Seems to have worked out ok so far. It is a good compromise as we get to see photos but not linked to our dc. We don't though have family who would find the photos and then name them / tag us/ repost them.

I am glad that my dses did most of their growing up before social media became a ‘thing’ - because we didn’t have to navigate this particular minefield - but Iu derstand completely why @WingingIt101 and others don’t want their children on social media until they are old enough to make the decision for themselves.

I’m not a grandparent, but when I do, I will do what my sons and dils want - in everything, not just social media. My model will be my late MIL, who was helpful and supportive, able to offer advice without being pushy or intrusive, or taking it amiss if we didn’t follow it.

Frankly it baffles me that some grandparents fail to realise how important it is to have a good relationship with their child and their child’s spouse, and that respect is the cornerstone of that good relationship. Why jeopardise that by sharing photos you’ve been asked not to share?

Thank you everyone - didn’t want to look like I’d just disappeared off the thread!! I’m reading all the replies and am feeling really relieved at the overwhelming sense of “we do this to” and successful requests to family members to support it!
Maybe we aren’t as old school as we thought!

It's not as easy as just asking immediate friends and family though. I had two eleven year olds who I didn't know very well, attend a family party , and they filmed parts of the celebrations on the tablets they had brought with them. They didn't ask permission and I was so busy with the younger children, I wasn't aware they had been filming, until a film of us and our sitting room appeared all over social media. The video clips (happily) didn't contain anything I was particularly worried about (apart from my plump and, by that stage, somewhat dishevelled presence ) but I was a bit surprised by it and felt as if our private space had been invaded somewhat. Also the videos showed my DC in wierd positions playing Twister etc and they were not particularly amused by that and I suppose I wasn't particularly thrilled either when I had tried to keep their images off SM since they were toddlers.

It was also embarrassing because only a few classmates had been invited to what was a primarily party for extended family so that caused ructions for my DC at school too.

I don’t post most big things on social media and you won’t see my children on them unless someone else has taken a picture and posted it and then tag me in it. I have printed photos and some stored on an usb. My 6yr has already asked me why is there no picture of him on my fb for example. He has heard people asking me this. I just say I rather people come and visit you if they want to see how cute you are. This won’t work for long I know but it is fine for now.

Just a suggestion OP, that you take pics and capture funny moments and do an email account for your baby, the pics/stories/videos and memories are all emailed to this account over the years and when your little one is 18 you give them access to it, all the records of their life to date as they are old enough then to decide if want to share

I know that doesnt actually help with what you asked tho