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DH and DS not getting along

12 replies

TripleXtra4 · 30/01/2020 10:21

Dh and my ds are not getting along. Dh has been in my sons life for nearly 4 years. They have had an okay relationship, but lately the arguments have become frequent and I'm not sure what to do.
I've sat them down together tried to sort it out, they both apologise and I stupidly think that that is the end of it. But it's not and two days later they are at eachothers throats again!
Both my dh and ds have mental health issues, when either one is feeling down the other seem to deliberately wind the other one up. I have said to them that as they both suffer with mh issues and know how tough it can be for them , then why can't they be more understanding and have empathy for each other.
To be honest it's hard work I feel like I have another child instead of a husband.
I know I'll get told to leave him and a part of me wants to but i really would like to try to fix this than just give up and walk away.
So not to drip feed, along with his mh problems, dh has a disability and also has been diagnosed with a personality disorder along with mh issues.He is on medication for this and depression too. My ds is seeing a child therapist weekly and is under camhs but not on any medication.
I have tried to get them to spend time together, this goes well e.g days out/weekends away etc but as soon as they are back the arguments start again.
I am constantly feeling like I'm a referee in their sometimes stupid sometimes horrific arguments.
Please dont tell me to ltb I'm looking for some advice on how I can get them to get along better.

Thank you

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 30/01/2020 10:24

How old is your DS? Your husband should not be at your son's throat because I assume your son is a child.

Children can be forgiven for tempers and so forth but adults...no.

You cannot 'fix' someone else's mental health problems OP. No amount of trying will make that happen and in the meantime you're putting this man before your actual child.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2020 10:27

There's nothing you can do to make them get on better. All you can do is prioritise your son

Ihatefootball86 · 30/01/2020 10:27

Sorry but you have to prioritise your child. Your DH is the adult in this situation end of story and shouldn't be winding your DS up!

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RedRed9 · 30/01/2020 10:29

You can’t fix your DHs mental health problems.

Your DH needs to be the adult. If he can’t do that then he shouldn’t be around your son.

PrinkingPreening · 30/01/2020 10:31

Your son's age is very relevant here.

How old is he?

TripleXtra4 · 30/01/2020 10:33

DS is 15

OP posts:
RedRed9 · 30/01/2020 10:36

He’s a teenager so needs extra security and stability at home.

I would really seriously be considering this relationship and whether your DH has the ability to step up.

TripleXtra4 · 30/01/2020 10:37

I know I cant fix DH's mental health problems I understand that. I was hoping someone would give me an idea on how to improve their relationship, I guess that I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
TripleXtra4 · 30/01/2020 10:43

When I met Dh he wasnt like this, he had an accident 2.5yrs ago and has been recovering since. His personality disorder is managed well with medication and is normally a joy to be around. They can get along because it's been proven but I wonder if I could be the problem? Maybe I put too much pressure on them.
Ds isn't a typical teenager wanting to spend all their free time in his room/xbox/phone etc he wants to spend time with us which I am very lucky that my teenage son doesn't want to shut himself away from me.

OP posts:
TripleXtra4 · 30/01/2020 10:48

I have always put Ds first. When I started a relationship with dh i mad either very clear to him and my son that ds comes first. If he doesn't like him I would walk away and dh respected that.
It's been 4 years, in that time we have had a massive trauma to do with r.e DH's accident and Its since he has been in recovery that theory relationship has been strained.
They dont hate eachother I just think they clash.

OP posts:
RedRed9 · 30/01/2020 10:49

Can you be more specific about the ways in which they clash?

glitterfarts · 30/01/2020 10:53

You need to put your DS first. Your DH is an adult.
Can you stay married but live separately?

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