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Original poster

I can't get over what he did 4 years ago.

28 replies

earlblack · 30/01/2020 07:17

Four years ago my boyfriend punched my arm ( leaving a bruise) and pulled my hair. It happened during an argument where he was convinced he was in the right.

I'd never been so terrified in my life as he turned into someone completely different and it all happened so suddenly out of the blue.

He got arrested but as I didn't press charges he was back the next day.

Ever since things haven't been the same. He's never hit me since but we still have arguments occasionally.

I'm not sure if he's realised his mistake and is genuinely sorry for what he did, or if for the past four years I've just done everything I can to make sure he doesn't get angry enough to hit me again.

I do feel like I'm treading on eggshells and I just can't forget what happened. If I ever bring it up and tell him how badly it's affecting me he replies by saying ' how do you think I feel, being locked up all night!" That really annoys me as he was the one who deserved that for what he did.

Basically I'm just wondering if I should end things with him as I don't think I can trust him, even though it happened all those years ago.

Or should I try and get over it as it's In the past ?

OP posts:
OhLook · 30/01/2020 07:18

Definitely end it. There is no vague reason to try and get past it. He's not a good person.

Gazelda · 30/01/2020 07:19

End it. You'll never feel completely safe with him again, which is no way to live your life.

CalleighDoodle · 30/01/2020 07:25

Leave

Singlenotsingle · 30/01/2020 07:54

Leave. Treading on eggshells is no way to live. Sooner or later you'll have to go and it might as well be sooner.

ShatnersWig · 30/01/2020 08:03

I didn't press charges

Why? This was mistake number one.

he was back the next day

Even if for some reason you didn't want to press charges why did you take him back? Mistake number two.

I'm just wondering if I should end things with him

Yes you absolutely should. This is no way to live. Don't make mistake number three.

Dietsareus · 30/01/2020 08:20

Shatnerswig not sure if you meant it like that but your post comes across as victim blaming. The mistake was made by OPs partner, not her, and you listing her ‘mistakes’ is probably not helping.

OP I’m not surprised you can’t get over it. I agree with others in that I think you should probably end it, but please do get in touch with your local women’s aid, who can support you with processing this and helping you to leave when you’re ready.

ShatnersWig · 30/01/2020 08:36

Not at all victim blaming and you're right, I didn't mean the word "mistake" in the way it could be taken.

stophuggingme · 30/01/2020 08:38

There is no happy future here so do the only thing and end the relationship

I would be careful how you do it though since he’s hit you once he could and statistically would do it again

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 30/01/2020 08:42

Life is too short to live like this. End things with him and then work on your self esteem.

Savingshoes · 30/01/2020 09:20

He shows no remorse after raising his hand to another adult in anger.
Well done for being strong enough to call the police.
Egg she'll walking is no way to live.

Ikora · 30/01/2020 09:33

End it, I’m hoping you don’t have dc with this man. He also turns the incident in an attempt to guilt you the person he hit, he doesn’t deserve you or any woman.

Aknifewith16blades · 30/01/2020 09:36

OP, I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

You might like to get this moved to the relationships board, where sadly such questions are a regular feature, and you will get a lot of support and advice.

Jingers5 · 30/01/2020 09:39

I would end it too. Imagine if you had children together- they would be walking on eggshells too, no way to live. You deserve better.

NotStayingIn · 30/01/2020 09:43

God yes end it. Why on earth would you want to stay in a relationship that isn’t making you happy?

TopOftheNaughtyList · 30/01/2020 09:46

It doesn't sound as though your BF has shown any remorse for what he did to you OP. He's feeling sorry for himself but if he hadn't lashed out he would never have been locked up.

You shouldn't be 'walking on eggshells', worried about how he'll react when you argue. Get rid, and find someone who loves and respects you. Life's too short to be this unhappy.

Heartofglass12345 · 30/01/2020 09:47

Why did you take him back? End it and find someone who loves you and treats you as you deserve, or at least enjoy being single and not having to tread on eggshells. I hope you have support in real life Thanks

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/01/2020 09:50

How did he feel? Was he.horrified at his actions? Or did he sweep it all under the carpet?

You can't honestly want to spend the rest of your life wondering when, if....

Pack up and leave. Have a happy life!

user142745271 · 30/01/2020 09:53

End things and do the Freedom Programme.

His violence four years ago was so effective at controlling you he hasn't felt the need to repeat it. Yet.

He will be violent again if he ever feels you are challenging him or breaking free of his control.

You've endured four years+ of abuse. It's not "in the past", it's continuing.

You deserve better; this is no way to live.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

The police let you down four years ago. It was domestic violence and they should have made the decision on charging him, not pushed it to you.

lowlandLucky · 30/01/2020 10:18

OP You are overthinking things

Dowser · 30/01/2020 10:27

Someone I know kicked his , lovely girlfriend in the leg.
She absolutely adored him but she did the right thing.
Her life has soared while his has definitely floundered, not all down to his anger issues, but they certainly won’t have helped.
I don’t think you want to spend the rest of your life continually looking over your shoulder..do you?
I always say if this was your daughter what advice would you give to her

TheVanguardSix · 30/01/2020 10:31

Love does not automatically mean trust is a given. And it's terrible to love without it, such a sad, empty feeling. You've not been able to come back from that assault. You're in the wrong place with the wrong person. You know what you have to do.

StormTreader · 30/01/2020 13:41

he replies by saying ' how do you think I feel, being locked up all night!"

So he's not sorry at all, except for himself. Now he's scared you, I bet hes not shy about showing you when he's "getting angry" so that you back down, he hasnt hit you again because he doesnt need to now, he has the threat of it that works just as well.

DramaAlpaca · 30/01/2020 13:45

You need to be able to trust your partner and feel safe within your relationship. That's the bottom line, really.

Noti23 · 30/01/2020 13:51

“How do you think I feel, being locked up all night”.

I was half expecting to read, “how do you think I feel, I did something so awful”...but no, he only showed remorse for himself. That’s sick. If he doesn’t feel bad about doing it then he will definitely be capable of doing it again.

Please leave and find yourself someone who’ll cherish you, not beat you.

Fingerbobs · 30/01/2020 14:00

This happened to me, and I stayed for too long. People minimising this fear have perhaps not lived with it. OP please get the support you need to leave; the feeling of safety is indescribable and you deserve more than to feel frightened forever.

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