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Am I being rude?

18 replies

Laura55 · 30/01/2020 06:36

So my ex cheated on me when I was 6 months pregnant. I went through a lot of stress while pregnant and it was HARD, and after I gave birth I was forced to just forget everything and enjoy and be strong for my baby even if I was unhappy inside because I didn’t get the happy ending I wanted. However now we’re trying to be a family. Not a couple, not friends, just family.
My problem is that I feel like his parents are a bit too involved. They were very excited about their first grandchild but they kind of ruined it for me. First of all, they come over announced. I just wake up with them here no matter if my family came over or if my friends are coming around, they just come. Second of all they kiss my baby on the lips, and when I told them nicely not to do that I was the b**ch. I didn’t even feel like explaining myself. This is my child, my rules. That’s it. Third of all they always mention the baby going over or then taking the baby out by themselves. They even mentioned giving by newborn castor oil and water??? I tried to breastfeed my baby last time because she was screaming and I just had them take her from my hands for “10 more minutes”.
My point is, I don’t want to upset my baby’s father or his parents because we’re supposed to be a family, but this is very toxic for me. I still feel very overprotective over my baby and it’s hard to see things like this, they feel like it’s their right to come whenever they want and enjoy themselves, I see it more of an opportunity if I’m honest especially after the stress their son put me through. Am I exaggerating? How can I stop it without everyone looking at me like I’m evil?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 30/01/2020 06:40

How old are you?

You need to out firm boundaries in place. contact time for your ex. His family see baby on his time.

Dowser · 30/01/2020 06:45

They sound awful.
It sounds like you’re wanting to do right by your baby and just firm up the boundaries.
As for kissing baby on the lips..no way
Buy a sling, put baby in it and totally refuse to hand it over when they are there..with a loud No if you need too

How old is baby?
How long has this been going on?
Does your husband support you?

Dowser · 30/01/2020 06:47

Missed that..he’s your ex
How do you wake up and they are there.
Do they have keys to your home?
Then you need the key back.
This sounds much more complicated than the info you’ve given us

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user1493413286 · 30/01/2020 06:47

How old is your baby? Are you still living with your baby’s dad? Essentially this is your baby and your decisions; when you have a baby family can act like it’s their baby too but first and foremost you are the baby’s mum and you make the decisions (alongside the dad but I’m a bit unclear about his involvement here).
There is no reason for them to be over all the time unless you’ve agreed, even if the dad still lives with you it is still your home and you don’t have to justify you decisions such as not having them kiss the baby on the lips.
I would try to manage how much they’re coming over and if this is difficult then start taking your baby into your bedroom to feed, cuddle and spend time with to give a clear message that they can’t come over and just take your baby off you.
It’s hard to say that they should be acting a certain way because of what their son did but he should certainly be bending over backwards to make your life easier after what he’s put you through and that includes boundaries with his family

Laura55 · 30/01/2020 06:48

@CalleighDoodle I’m 22.

OP posts:
Laura55 · 30/01/2020 06:49

@Dowser they don’t have the keys, they call when they’re outside my house.. my baby’s only 2 months old.

OP posts:
5zeds · 30/01/2020 06:52

Take the baby home to your parents for a visit and have a break.

Laura55 · 30/01/2020 06:53

@user1493413286 he doesn’t live with us he comes over twice a week or he just comes and stays over to help me for a day or 2. I didn’t have any problem with them being around but as I said I wanted the baby’s dad to be involved in her life more before anyone else is. Let us get to know her, let us get used to her and let us learn before you come and just take her from me when I’m trying to feed her. Poor baby was screaming and all they did was shake her left and right when I told them she’s crying because she’s hungry

OP posts:
PhilipJennings · 30/01/2020 06:57

You need to drop your fear of being rude I'm afraid. They don't respect your time or your boundaries so you're going to have to reinforce it.

When they call from outside the house answer and tell them your baby is sleeping and you're getting done work done, so could they please come back at [time that suits you]? Ideally this would be your ex's contact time so he can talk them down to normality while you make yourself scarce. Or give them times that would work to see the baby but say you can't wait in all the time in case they show up so it would be better if they didn't just drop by.

There is a mumsnet saying: "No" is a full sentence. It means you don't need to explain yourself or defend your decision. You need to work on saying No, and meaning it, and not being tempted to give justifications or defences or excuses for saying No. it will be difficult at first but worth it in the long term. Good luck x

Dowser · 30/01/2020 07:02

What PJ says

Tableclothing · 30/01/2020 07:03

I don’t want to upset my baby’s father or his parents because we’re supposed to be a family

The thing about family is, they're always family no matter how upset with you they are. You could tell them to fuck off a thousand times and they'll still be your baby's grandparents (I'm not specifically advising that, btw).

It isn't your job to make them happy. Your top priority is your baby's welfare. Everything else, including your understandable desire for everyone to just get along, must come second.

Don't answer their calls if it isn't convenient to let them in.

ConstanceSalinger · 30/01/2020 07:03

Honestly, you're the parent now. You can't change their behaviour or that of your ex. You can only change how you respond.

So they're outside ringing up, you say sorry it's not convenient now. Come back on Thursday at 3pm.

In Thursday they want to hold the baby for 10 more minutes but she wants feeding. You say, sorry, it's not convenient, you'll have to leave now.

This is your home and your baby. In the nicest way you are really going to have to act like an adult even if you don't feel like it inside. Why are all the other people in this scenario getting their own way and you're not?

OhLook · 30/01/2020 07:07

What do you mean about being family? I don't get it. He's your baby's dad and they're the grandparents, that's it. You're not obliged to force a relationship with anyone or do things you don't want to do with your baby.

No way in a million years would I let my own mum (actual family) take my baby from me while they were feeding! Or turn up unannounced on my doorstep first thing in the morning!

Have they put this 'family' thing in your head as an excuse to walk over you?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/01/2020 07:13

Would you put up with this from your own mum? Handle it the exact same way as you would with your actual family. If they get offended it's fine, you get a couple of weeks peace while they sulk.

Moondancer73 · 30/01/2020 07:24

You're in charge, put your foot down and set boundaries.
If they call from outside you don't have to answer the phone or the door or you can just say that it's not convenient, that you are going out shortly. As a previous poster said, get a sling and put your daughter in it then they don't get to just take her and tell her if they want the visit they need the arrange in advance and be firm about the kissing on the lips - if they do it again remove your daughter and tell them that it is not acceptable and that they need to stop.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/01/2020 07:25

Do they not work? They can't just come over whenever they feel like it and then bully you in your own home. Please feel brave enough to tell them they cannot take your baby when you are about to feed her. Also, if you don't want to see them, don't let them in and tell them it's not convenient today.

jackstini · 30/01/2020 07:38

Horrible situation and yes you need to start being very firm on boundaries

It is your right to say no. It's your baby
Also - call them out on unreasonable behaviour 'are you seriously saying your want to hold her is more important than her hunger? No!'

Sling is a very good idea as is ignoring their calls

Are your family around your help? Do you have friends you could visit? (Especially at the key times his family come round!)

Incontinencesucks · 30/01/2020 08:49

They shook her as well????

Set boundaries. Say no. You can't be a family when he's treating you this way and allowing his family the same.

My littlest is ebf, and I've had to be firm with some people who don't get what his cries mean.

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