Hi, I don't really know where to start tbh.. This is a long story and graphic in places.
I'm hoping someone else might have had similar experience as I'm stuck, numb but sad and lonely.
I had been feeling increasingly poorly for around 2 months, which I initially put down to my new contraceptive pill, also assuming my abnormally light and irregular periods were caused by that too. My doctor suggested coming off the pill for a while to see if it helped. Over the next few weeks I was becoming more unwell, with abdominal pain, tenderness, cramping and complete exhaustion and fever on and off. I was sleeping around 15 hours a day and could still barely stay awake, I felt like I was dying. Realising my period hadn't returned after stopping the pill, I did a pregnancy test to rule it out. It was positive. I spoke with my gp who booked me an emergency scan the following day as he suspected miscarriage. The scan showed a healthy baby measuring 16 weeks. The doctors put the pain and tenderness down to ligament pain and sent me home, but I knew there was something wrong, as a mother of 2 dds, I'd never felt like this in pregnancy. The cramps got worse until one evening a few days later, I almost called an ambulance as I was in so much pain, with fever and chills. I made it through to morning and called my gp, who told me to come straight in for blood tests to rule out infection. I could barely walk and almost fainted in the waiting room. That evening i couldnt stand any longer and suddenly had to lay down on the kitchen floor. My waters broke minutes later and I felt some relief from the pain and weakness, got up, cleaned myself up and went to bed. Before I had a chance to call the doctor in the morning, he called me to say I had an infection and needed hospital treatment asap. I went in and was put on iv antibiotics and saline. I had another scan which showed healthy baby but no amniotic fluid. The next day I had another scan which showed the baby's heart had stopped.
I then had 3 days of induction drugs, which caused severe contractions but I didn't dilate more than a couple of cms. I can't describe the pain I felt on the third day, it was like my womb was ripping itself apart. The following morning, I delivered the umbilical cord, followed by one arm, one leg and half of my baby's skull. The midwives wouldn't let me see as they said it would be too disturbing. I went on to have a d+c to remove the remaining parts, but as I'd been warned about extra possible complications during the procedure, due to the severe infection, I had a massive anxiety attack just before my general anaesthetic. I looked up the painted bird mural on the ceiling of the theatre and genuinely thought it would be the last thing I ever saw.
Needless to say, my fears weren't realised.
This all happened over 2 weeks, from finding out I was pregnant to the day of the d+c. I feel like I'm in shock, I don't think I'm processing any of it properly. I've had a few teary days, when my milk came in. I don't know how to feel, my partner and I didn't have much of a chance to form any emotional attachment to the baby but it is still very sad and confusing, I'm worried that I'm not grieving properly because of the shock.
Sorry it's so long x