My mum and early dementia

[SeventhSister]

I had a very difficult conversation with my mother last night and could do with some advice

My dad died three years ago, after suffering with dementia for 16 years. My mum cared for him throughout. It was very, very hard and distressing for all concerned.

I was a social worker working with adults for 20 years (coincidentally, I left the profession the day before my dad died). I supported both parents throughout Dad’s illness, and they often asked for, and valued, my advice. Mum and I are very close and I love her very much.

Fast forward to now, and Mum appears to be in the early stages of dementia. After working with older people for so long, I recognise the signs very well. She currently lives about 10 miles away. Its hard to get there on public transport, I don’t drive, work full time, and am a single parent to a teen with some SN. We’ve spoken several times in the past about her moving closer to me when she needs more support in her old age. She loves the town I live in, and has always been quite positive about the idea, though she’s very attached to her home of 40 years.

She phoned me on Sunday to say that she’s aware her memory is failing, and she’s going to ask her GP to refer her for dementia screening. Would I accompany her to the appointment? To which I answered of course, gladly, and this opened up another conversation about the support she may need in future. I mentioned moving again, as I would like to be able to help her, but she said she’s not ready, she will pay for help if she needs it, and will recognise when she needs to move herself. I said I completely understand how she feels and how difficult a decision it is. I stressed that my brother and I would help with practical things if and when she makes the decision. Obviously the glaring bit of what she said is that with dementia, she probably WON’T recognise when she needs to move and may not have the mental capacity to make a decision. But I didn’t say that. I just said I may mention it again in future if I’m worried.

Was I unreasonable? I didn’t think I was, but I’m starting to wonder now…

Anyway, last night she phoned me again, with a note of steel in her voice. She said that she’s noticed I’m “angry” with her, and demanded to know what she’s done to upset me. She accused me of perceiving her as an “old lady” and waiting for her to die (this could not be further from the truth) She accused me of never calling her and never wanting to see her. She also criticised the tone of my voice when I answer the phone to her (I usually say “hello darling!” but she said I’m monotone and sound like I don’t want to speak to her). She’s angry that I went to the cinema by myself at the weekend (one of my greatest pleasures on the very few days I have when I can please myself). She feels I should have asked her to come with me. She also said that she feels I’m trying to control her by mentioning the house move and I must never mention it again. She no longer wants me to accompany her to any appointments as she’d prefer to take friend with a bit of ‘distance’.

I was quite shocked by all this, got tearful and frustrated, and was a bit short with her. It wasn’t a great time anyway, as I was working to a deadline (which I missed as I was so upset for the rest of the evening), but her remarks completely floored me.

I KNOW it’s the dementia talking. And also about her feeling vulnerable and worried about the future, and taking it out on the person closest to her.

I should add that when mum forgets things, repeats herself, makes mistakes or gets in a muddle I NEVER say a word as I would hate to embarrass her. Its always glossed over and life breezily carries on.

I’m so sorry that we parted on bad terms last night. But I’m also so upset, and I admit, quite angry at the accusations, despite understanding (I think) what’s going on.

I need to call her tonight to mend fences. Please tell me how to do it? And what to do differently now. I have nothing but love and warmth for her and I value our close relationship more than anything.

Thank you

I should add this is my first post under this name, but I've been here since 2006. And although I have a brother, I do not have 6 sisters

Oh dear, such a long post... thanks for reading

Dementia is hard. It's very cruel and very scary for someone suffering from it.
I've worked with dementia patients and I've been there from a personal point of view with my Mum.
I knew for a long time that there was an issue, before she would admit that there was a problem, and eventually she was diagnosed with psychosis. Now though she also has dementia and life is difficult because she gets confrontational when you tell her anything that she doesn't like, even if it's for her own good - 'you need to drink more' could be enough to set her off on a bad day so I truly sympathise.
All you can really do is reinforce how much you love your mum and that you will do everything you can to help. If you can talk to the friend that she wants to go with her then do that before and after the appointment and make tonight's conversation just about love then take baby steps when she is having a better day.

Like you, I have one sibling but I do the lions share unfortunately. Hopefully your brother will be able to help a little more.

What a horrible situation to be in. I'm so sorry.

I hope that she'll actually forget that conversation. Do you have it in you to phone her without even mentioning it? Just a normal chatty conversation? Or would you not normally phone her for no reason?

Maybe you can just say that you're sorry if you were short with her yesterday, as you had a work deadline that you were stressed about. So you thought you'd call her for a nice chat tonight?

I'm so sorry you're going through this again. I mean, with your mother, after going through it with your mother.

How to mend fences - it may well be that she does not remember the conversation which upset you so much. That seems very likely.

Try to remember that people with dementia go through different moods in rapid succession and do not remember how they felt half an hour ago - or what they said.

As for mending fences tonight - if you just sound friendly and approachable, that should do it. I would be really surprised if she says these unpleasant things to you again this evening.

She will probably be back to having a bit of insight. Just a bit, though. You are right in knowing that she will not be able to tell when she needs more help.

With that in mind, I think you need to start getting POA.

{flowers]

It really is an awful, awful disease.

First, sympathies on the appalling bad luck of having both parents with dementia.

Second, your mum's got dementia, and last night she... had dementia. She won't be anything like as stressed about it as you are. She'll have found something else to worry about by now - mood cycling is a symptom.

By the time the early signs show, people are usually pretty ill, so don't be surprised if things go downhill faster than you think. Whatever else you can guarantee, you know things are only going to get worse, so develop coping strategies now. Not that there are any.

I wouldn't even mention the arguement. I'd go in with a happy cheery conversation and see if she mentions it.

Do you have power of attorney and health and welfare ?

Gosh, thanks so much for all the replies, the good advice, and empathy
It really helps, and I’m so sorry to those of you who also have parents destroyed by this awful disease.

My brother and I both have POA for health and welfare, and property and affairs, thank goodness.

Brother lives a bit further away and is hopeless at anything hands on or emotional, but will be great with the financial/ house stuff. I guess we both play to our strengths.

I don’t think she’s far enough down the road to have forgotten last night’s conversation, but apology, love and cheerfulness are definitely the way forward.

It's so hard, even when you realise it's the dementia talking. Has her having a urine infection been ruled out?

If the bridges aren't mended when you next speak to her, could your brother talk to her? Sometimes hearing the message from a different person can change how it is received.

Best wishes.

Thank you newname. I don’t think it’s a UTI, although she hasn’t been tested. This has bee creeping up gradually over the past three years and she has always had a tendency to overthink things, find offence where there’s none, and get a bit grumpy with people. But this is the enhanced+++ version

Anyway, we spoke, we both apologised, we both feel a bit better I think. But I’m steeling myself for what’s next. Going to talk to my brother tomorrow.