Am I being too soft...financially?!

[Threeamigos3]

I’ve been with my partner for 8 years and we have a 1 year old together. I have 2 children teenagers from my ex whom we don’t see. They call my partner Dad which is lovely. He treats me well emotionally but financially I’m struggling. All the bills are in my name as it was originally my house with my ex. But my current partner pays very little towards the bills. He says he’s not paying for a house that’s not his...we are hoping to move in the future.
He tends to pay for treats but I’m starting to resent this/him as these are luxuries we can live without. When I try and discuss this he becomes very difficult and I feel it’s not worth the fight :-(
...but it’s really getting me down.

Please help!

Sod that
My now Dh moved in with me and my 3 kids to the house I owned with Ex. He put all his money into a joint account from day 1. We ended up buying Ex out 2 years later but up to that point everything was shared. It still is btw 17 years later.
It would never have crossed his mind to live here and not pay. I was getting shit tons of child support for the 3 of them from Ex too and I had a damn good job, didnt need his money to survive. The kids wanted for nothing due to 2 good wages and child support.
Dont put up with it

If the positions were reversed, most would agree that a woman shouldn’t m be paying into a mortgage if she wasn’t also in the deeds, therefore I have to conclude that your boyfriend is right - he shouldn’t be paying into yours. If he’s loving with you in the house he should pay half of council tax, utilities, groceries and any additional cost to you of the pair of you living together, but if he has no interest in the house then he shouldn’t be paying for that. If you want things to be more financially equal, rent or buy a place equally in both of your names.

If you feel it’s too unequal - agree to live separately. You can still be s couple without living together, and it may well worth out more amicable.

Surely the more you pay off now the more equity you have for the new house, would he help if he saw it in that light that actually he's contributing to your future?
What about household bills, does he pay half of all utilities, the household bills are about usership and not ownership. I would suggest the fairest way to deal with all of your combined bills is to work out % of salary, in my situation my salary makes up 70% of our combined income, i therefore pay 70% the total combined bills - maybe this would work for you both, you definitely need to find a solution otherwise this will foster great resentment if you carrying most of the financial load.

He's a cocklodger kick his arse out, then he will realise how much it costs to run a household

Don't be a mug op

He is living there for free. He doesnt pay rent elsewhere does he?

You have a child together. So he is supposed to be supporting this child financially.

He needs to pay the equivalent of board or else he needs to be added to the mortgage. Why does he think he’s entitled to free housing?

Cocklodging freeloader!

He needs to pay:

• half of everything your/his daughter needs
• half the utilities (council tax, water, gas, elec, phone, internet)
• half the food bill
• market rate rent
• half tv license
• half subscriptions (Netflix, Sky, Amazon etc..)
• half car costs (if you share)
• half Xmas/Birthday gifts costs
• half holiday costs
• half entertainment costs (days out)

What was his situation before he met you? Was he unhoused and looking for a cushy number?

NightsofCabria suggested:

• half of everything your/his daughter needs
• half the utilities (council tax, water, gas, elec, phone, internet)
• half the food bill
• market rate rent
• half tv license
• half subscriptions (Netflix, Sky, Amazon etc..)
• half car costs (if you share)
• half Xmas/Birthday gifts costs
• half holiday costs
• half entertainment costs (days out)

That's fair. You can tweak it a bit if you want but that is what anyone would pay if they were sharing a house with a friend. He's not paying into the house, not the mortgage or repairs, just paying his way.

Yep cocklodger
Doesn't seem to treat you well

He should pay half of all adult bills minimum, plus food, possibly slightly less if you have two teens, plus rent for a roof over his head that he is living in free. Your house so I get you pay for household repairs to it’s structure.

But that’s no way to live in a relationship.

If he doesn’t get the message he seriously needs to move out, you would be better off, lower utilities, less food and single person council tax, oh and maintenance from him for your shared child!

I can understand him not wanting to pay towards the mortgage... but if he uses the electricity, gas, phone, broadband, water, etc, what is his justification for not paying towards those?

Oh yes hes having a lovely cheap time at your expense

Cock lodger

If he isn’t on the deeds he shouldn’t be paying towards the mortgage. But utilities etc should be split so you’re both paying an equal proportion of your wages towards them.

Yeah he's taking the piss massively

Well he needs to decide if he's in or out doesn't he because usually I would say he should be paying half (or proportionately to income) for your shared child and any household costs that arent the mortgage or for the DC that are not his. However if he's happy for your older children to call him dad then he loses the benefit of just paying towards your shared child. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it whilst happily watching you struggle. Rather than treats he could be stocking the cupboards or freezer surely. When I felt that (now) DH wasnt paying his way I calculated all our costs, halved them and sent them to him. He now transfers that amount to me each payday so we both know where we stand.

I don't really get the 'not paying towards the mortgage' thing. Surely if he was living elsewhere he'd have to pay rent? So he's already got a cushy number, given rent/mortgage is most people's biggest single expense. Seems like a good thing going if you can move in with someone and instantly avail yourself of the biggest expense under the guise of 'not wanting to pay for a house that isn't his'. What does he think renting is?

It’s financial abuse. Take it from someone who knows. Lay the law down, and if he won’t tow the line, suggest he moves out. Protect your own assets. It’s his mindset that is the problem - & I doubt you can change it, tbh. My situation is not identical at all, (DH had all the financial power,) but I recognise the worrying attitude and personality traits that you have flagged up.
Trust your gut instinct - alarm bells are already ringing or you wouldn’t have posted.
It is no fun living with someone who is selfish and mean, it’s hard work, soul destroying and leaves you feeling vulnerable and washed out. Looking back, my DH has always prioritised money over everything. It’s a horrible feeling knowing that pretty much everything your DP does/doesn’t do is in light of whether or not it’s in HIS own financial best interests.
I currently have a few posts on the go re the state of my marriage and my impending separation.
Look closely at your relationship - for me, this ingrained self serving attitude wasn’t just with money - it was also with time, for example. His time was always more important than anyone else’s. He was always busier, even though he wasn’t.
I might be well off the mark, but IME, a person with this attitude towards money, will not be a well rounded, thoughtful individual in other aspects of their personality.
The “he pays for treats” comment rang a bell. My DH was great at sweeping gestures - could be very generous, when he wanted something and/or it made him look good. Eg. Buying rounds of drinks, donating big expensive gifts to raffles...
Good luck.

@NightsOfCabiria has given you excellent advice. This should be taught in schools, to empower young people into recognising what a healthy financial relationship should look like.

He might not be ‘on the deeds’, but he wouldn’t be ‘on the deeds’ if he was renting a house share with a friend either.

Shocking, I would be having a serious conversation.

I think he is being unfair to you really.Everyone would like to just pay for "treats! and none of those nasty old bills!.What is he doing with his money then .If he is building a nest egg for himself that doesnt seem very fair to you!If you move house is he going to pay for the M/G there?Need a in depth discussion re finances ASAP!

I don't really get the 'not paying towards the mortgage' thing. Surely if he was living elsewhere he'd have to pay rent? So he's already got a cushy number, given rent/mortgage is most people's biggest single expense

This! He wants you to buy a house together?

But my current partner pays very little towards the bills. He says he’s not paying for a house that’s not his...we are hoping to move in the future.

If he is not paying his share, then he is not your partner, partners share
Hes using your electricity, gas, tv and not paying

Fucking hell love, set your bar higher

Thing is if he was renting elsewhere he would paying for someone else's house/mortgage so a bit of a rubbish excuse... So really he should be paying rent equivalent to a room share(as he does have to share) and half of the bills..

Sod that. What a knob!

Can you clarify if he's paying for the utilities he's using OP? And groceries/tv licence/subscriptions etc? If he was living elsewhere he'd be expected to pay these bills.

If you do decide to buy a place with this man then make sure you protect any deposit you put in if it's more than his contribution.

What a tight man! Where is his income going?!

I would ask him to move out.

So he's happy to live in a house that is not his, but not pay for it? That seems a little hypocritical. He needs to start making a fair contribution or move out.