Need help - friend had breakdown

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I would be very grateful for any help - apologies if I am not using the correct terms here

I am friends with one of the mums from school who lives on the same street as me. I was aware that she did have pre-existing depression but unfortunately she has become very unwell over the weekend. Essentially, she is only lucid for very short periods of time, is very paranoid and very agitated. She has an infants age DC who is in one of DC’s class. Her husband has taken the week off work as she is not safe to be left alone - today she escaped from the house and ran down the road with no shoes on. Thankfully a man who is landscaping our drive found her up the side of our house where she had been looking for me - I was out doing the nursery run when I got a call from her husband - he was unable to leave the house as their DC has been off sick

The crisis team are involved and are coming to see her twice a day. She was very unwell yesterday and I asked her husband to call them out again and they did provide something that let her sleep overnight. I returned her to the house today and waited for a while and fortunately was there when the crisis team visited. Understandably my friend’s husband isn’t really thinking straight but needs to get back to work. I have said to the CPN that I think this is unsustainable and they need to get some kind of assistance in place as her DH works night shifts - he cant sit in a house all day with the curtains shut on a long term basis. He is self employed so no question of paid leave. My DH and I are willing to help as much as we can but half term is coming up and we are going on holiday plus, I don’t actually think it is fair or appropriate for us to become long term overnight carers for the DC much as we want to help. What we want to do is provide back up assistance but we primarily want to help as much as we can to facilitate external help and empower them to be able to live together and function well

In my view, we (the DH and me if he wants) need to speak to the school now frankly and ask for assistance and actually ask children’s services to assist with funding for holiday clubs etc. Things are complicated by the fact that they essentially have no family members who can help at all due to distance and complex family relationships. The CPN was very frank today and said he didn’t have any answers but would try and get some today which was very helpful.

Is there anything else we can do to help? Should we be approaching things from a different angle? Also, I am really worried about the DC - what support can I give to them? Any help or advice would be very gratefully received.

Very tricky. It sounds like she may not be safe to be alone at all. Have they discussed her being hospitalised for a period until she is stabilised?

What kind of self-employment is he in? I'm guessing they don't have the funds to enable him to take some more time off?

I’d suggest speaking to the safeguarding lead at school in confidence. They are likely already aware and doing what they can - these things can take a while to get in place.

Agree, contact school ASAP, better all round if they know and can support. School have probably (hopefully) noticed something isn’t quite normal anyway.

Such a difficult situation, glad they’ve got you around.

Thank you. I have said to her DH that he should consider asking for her to be assessed for admission to hospital. I know this might ultimately mean she is sectioned but there is no way she is safe to be left at home. I totally understand that one pill is not going to make her feel better but I have found her more agitated today. She is convinced her DH is trying to kill her and is therefore very non compliant around him re medication etc. I understand she is ill but I am worried that long term he will start to have issues and this is hugely problematic as there is no other family

No funds for him to hsve additional time off. She is also the main bread winner which is an extra layer of difficulty

Unfortunately it does sound like she needs to be in hospital. Have they no other family that can help with childcare?

Sorry just read your last post.

If there is absolutely nobody else to help the father, he may need to take leave from his job or reconsider his job and look into benefits that will allow him to be the main carer while his wife is so unwell.

Yes. I suppose that is right. I'm wondering how you can be a carer for someone who thinks you are trying to kill them and keeps trying to run out the door to get away from you. I know that is hopefully a temporary phase. The added complication is that my friend has said for the last six months or so that she wants a divorce. This could be linked to being unwell but it is all very complicated

She needs to be admitted to hospital (not least because she wont accept care from her husband and is a big risk to herself), but unfortunately services are cut so tight that the mental health services will do everything to avoid taking her in. If there is a caring spouse at home this could be seen as reason for her to be allowed to stay at home.

The poor father needs to go back to work and tell the mental health team he wont be responsible for her as they are separating. It's brutal but it might just prompt them to give her the help she needs.

Everything came to a head tonight and my friend has been taken to hospital by the police. Her DH is with her and her DC is with me.

Things were very bad this evening when I came to visit and I am really worried about her DC who is old enough to understand quite a lot do what she was sysing and be very uoet and unsettled by it. Unfortunately, a lot of it about her DH (DC's) father.

I really would appreciate any guidance about what support and help I can give to her little one. I don't know if I should say to DC briefly that mum is ill and therefore will say things that aren't correct or whether it is best just to wait and see if DC says anything to me. Thanfully DC was asleep when the police came but I will obvs need tm explain tomorrow that mum is on hopsital

Depends how old and the child’s comprehension level. He/she has been at home ill during this crisis so knows that mum is not herself. Dad went with her to hospital but don’t say to ‘make her better’, better to say ‘help her’

Nothing abstract like ‘how are you feeling’unless you’re sure they have the language to process that. No leading questions if possible. Don’t promise anything you’re not absolutely sure of, say you don’t know. Acknowledge that’s it’s unusual to be staying at your house.
Say they can tell you what they need or want. If they’re upset say ‘I can see you’re feeling upset, I understand’
Try very hard to be empathetic rather than sympathetic.

Thank god you’re there, 💐

Thanks so much - really helpful. DC is here with us now. A bit upset when woke up but settled quickly and happy to be in my DC’s room which is good. We can all get to school tomorrow and I am actually going to ask to see the head teacher. My DH is the safeguarding lead at his practice so wants to be assured that a referral has been made or he will make one himself as we really need to ensure that we get all the help we can for them. I have advised her DH to point blank refuse to carry out care at home now. I understand that my friend tried to attack him with a knife so there is no way that she is safe to be at home at the moment.

The police will make a referral to children’s social care, but you should still definitely talk to the school as they will, too.

It sounds like your friend has been sectioned. Hopefully she will start to get the help she needs now.