Help! How do I word this text?!

[GrahamNortonsjacket]

My almost 8 year old DD has been invited on a play date with a girl ("Lottie") in her class. They aren't really friends - don't dislike each other as far as I know, just both play with other people.

DD doesn't want to go - she's quite the introvert and doesn't feel comfortable with people she doesn't really know. The invite came from Lottie's mum who I really get on with but have never really spoken to outside of school gates and birthday parties. I think maybe the invite is possibly more because we as parents get on more than the girls, but now of course DD really doesn't want to go.

How do I word my reply to Lottie's mum?! I really want her not to be offended and to keep her as a potential friend - but every way I word it is rubbish!

Hey, thanks for the invite. Dd is a bit of an introvert so I think she would probably be a bit too nervous to have a playdate for the next little while. Fancy a coffee on X day though, we can have a catch up?

I’d say something like, sorry, I know this is a bit cheeky but could I stay with dd as she’s shy and nervous in unfamiliar places? Seven is still very young and she should understand.
Or say dd is shy and nervous in unfamiliar places so could Lottie (and her mum is she wants) comes to yours? Or meet at the park or wherever?

Would DD be ok with e.g trampolining with Lottie?
What about
"DD is a bit nervous in new places. Could we meet at park/climbing/trampolining place after school, and the girls can play while we catch up over a coffee?"

Thank you for the invite for Lottie, at the moment she is very shy, could we take a rain check till she is confident to do playdates?
Will explain when I see you at school.

It's fine just to decline an invite without giving a reason. Don't overthink it.

kitten - that's not a bad suggestion. The thing is DD is fine going to playdates with her friends, it's just she doesn't know Lottie very well... But it would definitely soften the blow if I suggested an activity together - if DD would be up for it!

Just say you're not free and suggest an activity or coffees yourself

You dont need to explain yourself

I would say something like "oh that's so kind. I've asked dd but she is a bit nervous, she's really shy. Maybe you and Lottie could come over to mine for an hour and see if she feels more comfortable after that. Sorry. Xx".

Going to go against the grain here and say you should encourage her to go. I think if your friend knows she goes on playdates with others, she will think you don't trust her or wonder what is wrong with her/her dc! I'd find it odd to be given the brush off if it were me and would feel offended by this or any offers for you to come too when you don't usually.

It would be good for your dd's social confidence to be pushed out her comfort zone a little. My ds often says he doesn't want to do things because he is nervous but unless he is very resistant I usually talk him around and he ends up enjoying himself.

If you really have to decline and want to remain friends, I would be completely honest about why your dd doesn't want to go. E.g. i'm really sorry, I hope you don't think i'm being off, but dd is really nervous about coming as she doesn't play with Lottie much in school and has got quite anxious about it. Would love to meet up together with dd and Lottie though"

"If DD would be up for it?"

If you want to go trampolining and for coffee that's what she does. You tell her that's what is happening, because she's 7!

I think kittens idea is good. I know she’s introverted and won’t feel very comfortable seeing this girl in general but at least it’s giving her a bit of an opportunity to push herself in that area.

I would be worried that by holding her back going to secondary school will become a nightmare because my child won’t feel comfortable with anyone new.

crusty fair point!