Feeling like a terrible Mum

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have DS1 who is 2 and a half and DS2 who is 9 months. I'm a SAHM, DS1 goes to pre-school 9-12 for two mornings a week.

I'm finding it really hard at the moment. They both sleep reasonably well and bedtime is usually easy. DS1 is a seriously fussy eater, I can get away with breakfast and tea easily with cereal, toast etc, but his main meal at lunchtime is so hard. He has a couple of options I can get him to eat but it's like pulling teeth even getting him to eat those safe meals.

DS1 has just been diagnosed with a speech delay but we've sought private speech therapy which is now underway. He does have quite a good understanding but it's very frustrating for him not being able to speak to us, and for us not being able to understand him. The result is tantrums and whining, all day long. He constantly asks for snacks, sits and lies on top of his brother and can lash out.

DS2 is pretty good but is a bit of a Velcro baby and isn't very content to sit a play on his own. Can't say I blame him when he is constantly getting attacked by DS1.

Everything feels like such a mammoth effort at the moment. I feel like I spend all day telling DS1 off and it makes no difference. I try to limit screen time and I get them out in the fresh air every day if the weather permits, but life just feels like a battlefield. I don't want DS1 to feel like he is always in trouble, nothing I say or do seems to change anything but I can't just let him hurt DS2 like that. He is a lovely little boy, tonight after his bath he climbed up onto me all snuggly but the rest of the day I have felt like he hates me. Is this all normal stuff or have I raised a hooligan? I just feel like I'm doing a terrible job and that my best isn't good enough.

You sound like a lovely mum who is right in the middle of the really hard tough bit of a baby and a toddler. Doesnt sound like a hooligan to me more a lil boy dealing with adjusting to be a big brother and one who clearly feels safe with his mum as he wants snuggles.

You’ve got 2 under 3, life pretty much is a battlefield at the moment.

In terms of eating, can you offer your son one of his safe meals and if he doesn’t eat it, let him go back at pick at it when he’s hungry. What happens if you feed him (wondering if it’s a need for nurture/attention at mealtimes - few things get mums attention like a child who won’t eat).

Really pick your battles, set boundaries around things like hitting or hurting, and try not to get too wound up about other stuff. Have a look at therapeutic parenting, which approaches things from the point of building and maintaining relationships rather than controlling behaviour as an end in itself. There might be some ideas there that take the pressure off a bit.

You sound lovely and I very much doubt you’re raising a hooligan - just a toddler with a new baby sibling.

I had 18 months between two of mine and I know exactly how you feel (and my second was definitely a Velcro baby- she's still my little shadow!).

Much of this age is surviving for you. The only real tips I gave are
Give older child a bit of one on one time when baby naps
Let toddler play an activity on a table the baby can't reach (ours was the dining room table). Older child could do simple things like playing with dry rice, shaving foam, paints play dough etc. Then baby can explore on the floor.
Let them play in (safe separate rooms) if they need a break from each other. I'd have one in the front room and the other in the dining room and sat in the door way talking to both of them but they couldn't actually get at each other.
And when they're in the right mood activities they can do together (wooden blocks or cars or whatever their both happy with) and praising any nice play.

The biggest relief I had was when my younger one started walking because you can go so much more that meets both their needs like going to the park and stay and plays (which also wears them out!). And your younger one won't be far off that.

And two year olds are hooligans by nature so please don't worry. You sound like a really loving mum

Thank you all for your supportive messages and tips. I think I definitely need to designate some one to one time with DS1 so I'll make that a priority. I can also see the benefit of focussing on relationships rather than controlling behaviour, so I'll look into that.

DS1 has seen the speech therapist today and she thinks he will make good progress with the right help, so hopefully better communication will help.

Every day I wake up thinking that today I will be more fun, more patient, less shouty, and every day it goes wrong. Then by the evening I'm knackered, go to sleep early and it starts all over again the next day.

Glad to know this chaos is normal!