Desperate for some guidance about parenting a 4 year old that demonstrates violence towards me (mum)

[OCDaisical]

My 4 year old son, has hit me on several occasions. I have dealt with this by reminding him about being kind, no hitting etc. Today he had a tantrum where he was full on punching me in the face. He gets so angry. I feel helpless that I can't stop him feeling this way, but equally it's shit being on the receiving end. This was because I didn't buy him a toy.

Time outs seem to work, where we sit and have some calm time practising our deep breaths etc, but this is only once full rage has hit, it doesn't work during

Didn't want to read and run. While I'm not in any way an expert (hopefully one will arrive shortly!) I do have a violent 11yr old.
I sometimes find that crouching down, below her eye level while holding her gently by her hands can help her focus again. Whispering too. None of the traditional parenting techniques ever worked for DD.

I know that this kind of behaviour is often associated with undiagnosed and unmanned SEN. I have a family member with a child like this, he was very bright so they didn’t think to have him assessed until he was in school when the behaviour started getting very bad. Once they got a diagnosis and learned ways to manage the issue their child seems to have really improved.

Thank you both.

Can I ask what diagnosis the child received?

OP outside violence are you having any discipline issues? Is he able to wait and take turns? Does he have a daily routine? Is anyone else parenting with you? Has he had any stressors in his life? Can you give us a bigger picture? For example is he at school and how is that going? If at nursery, the same. Thanks.

Following! Op my almost 4 year old is the same, he's got such a bad temper and any little thing that annoys him he'll be violent, usually towards me but also to other children when we're out, it's so embarrassing when I can't control him because he's so strong, I can barely manage to get him in a time out at home because I'm small and weak with a bad back.
I'm hoping it's just a phase and he'll grow out of it, he's as good as gold at nursery or for anyone else, I'm a single parent so have no support at home.

Have you tried to reward him for self-control? Every day he doesn't express his anger violently praise him perhaps? Or discuss with him alternative ways of expressing anger? My middle child (female) had anger problems and we helped her develop alternative behaviors. You do have to be realistic and work on small steps but her behavior definitely improved. She was older though, around 8-10. I would discuss these issues with him in a way he understands at times he is calm and relaxed. If he is able to control himself in other settings it would suggest he can control himself. He is still very young so age-appropriate changes would need to come in. He must understand it's completely unacceptable though. Does he have the opportunity for lots of physical activity every day, so he isn't also physically frustrated and tense?

@Womanlywiles I've always praised him for good behaviour and when he has good days he gets a treat but I think he's inherited his dads anger problems tbh, I just hope he grows out of it and learns to control his anger better.

Dd was a litle angel until she turned four. Shouting, screaming, biting, kicking and punching. We went for the down on her level, holding hands and talking quietly. Once she calmed down she was a different child. We did wonder if there was something else going on as she had sensory issues too, but by five she'd outgrown this behaviour.
Shes nearly 13 now and hormones are kicking in but we're using the same techniques and they still work.

My db was like this until age 10- adoption trauma. Parents restrained him when needed, talking calmly and quietly to him like Rowgtfc72 said, but never punished him afterwards as he was clearly not in control. Has grown up into lovely adult, kind husband and father.

Dd was like this also until about 10- partly PTSD around disability issues, partly anxiety. Did the same as above. Also a lovely adult, still has anxiety but never takes it out on other people.

I found holding hands as suggested by other people is a good idea: they are frightened of the violence inside them and needs to know that mum is able to control it. I remember approaching dd from behind (because she also bit) and holding her hands while repeating "You are not going to hurt anyone, I am not going to let you hurt anyone".

Avert with distraction if you can, but accept that as you say, once full rage has hit, ordinary disciplinary measures don't work. Of course he needs to know that violence is unacceptable but if he is anything like dd, that won't help him during a meltdown as he won't know what he's doing.
(dd once told me, much later, that during one of these meltdowns she didn't recognise me: it just felt like there was an evil monster there and she had to defend herself)
I tried to tell myself that it was similar to when she was in a high fever and hitting out: you wouldn't blame anyone for that, though you'd still have to keep them and yourself safe.