Care package for a friend

[Imjustagirlwhobakes]

I've just had a call from a very close friend to say that she had been for her 12 week scan and there was no heartbeat.

I'm absolutely devastated for her and have said I'll be there if and when she wants me, either in person or on the phone.

I would however like to put together a little care package for her and her bf but I'm not sure what to put in it as I've never been through a pregnancy or loss myself. I was thinking some sweets/biscuits/chocolate, a nice bubble bath, a magazine or puzzle book and a dvd? Any other ideas?

personally I wouldn't draw attention to it with the kind of gift you might give for a happy occasion. I expect your intentions are good but I don't think this sort of gift is appropriate. If you want to do something just reiterate your offer next time you speak to her.

I would think thats nice if you know she would appreciate some care.

You’ve got great intentions but I really wouldn’t do this. I would just actually be there for her.

Yes I agree with a pp it might not be quite right although it's a nice idea in theory.

Maybe just send some flowers

That's really inappropriate. Send a card without the other stuff.

I would write a letter/card saying how sorry you are, or send some flowers. I don't think it is the right thing to do to send a gift.

I have to differ from the others and think it's a lovely idea. I think keep it simple and with your original kind thoughts behind it and it'll be received well.
Kindness goes a long way in even the worst situations I find.
You sound a lovely friend.

no, leave the gifts. could b v upsetting.
do as others suggested.

I also disagree with the others. This has happened to me at my own 12 week scan, and I think it's really thoughtful of you! I would have much preferred it over flowers as it's much more comforting and more 'caring'.

Stop off of a cuppa and a chat as well - you sound lovely a lovely friend.

I think flowers and a thinking of you at this sad time card would be better - the presents sound lovely but almost as if it's a "get well soon" gift, than empathising and showing compassion for the loss of her child. As anyone who has experienced such a loss knows, it's not something you get well from. Grief is something you have to manage and learn to live with.

I appreciate your heart is in the right place though, you do sound like a lovely friend.

I have also been through this (more than once). This sort of “care package” would feel like the loss had been reduced to something trivial, like a break up.

Have you looked on the “don’t send flowers” website; even if you don’t order from there it’s got nice ideas. I think it’s a lovely idea, you know your friend well enough to know how she’d react to the gift. I tend to think that doing something is always better than doing nothing in these scenarios

I also disagree with the others. I've had 4 miscarriages and something like that would have being greatly appreciated. To be honest I would've loved a teddy or other soft toy I could've cuddled. Flowers not so much they die in the end and that could be a big trigger. I tried growing my own from bulbs and planted my Babies remains in the soil. The flowers died and it really upset both me and my Fella. During my second and my forth miscarriage my Best Friend would take me for a coffee and something to eat and just sit and listen to me whilst I talked. Maybe that is something you could also do? It helped me massively knowing I had someone who cared for me

Hi OP. This happened to me nearly two and a half years ago in my first pregnancy. What I would do is just be there for her. Acknowledge how crap it is. Comments like 'at least you can get pregnant', 'you can try again' and 'it wasn't meant to be' didn't help and actually made me feel worse. That baby was very wanted and loved, and even though I now have an 18 month old DD, I still have a little cry on the anniversary of losing our little bean. Time is a healer, but being there to listen is the best thing you can do. It's so lovely you're thinking of her. X

Having been through the same thing as your friend I would say don't go with a whole care package or even a card (there was nothing anybody could have said or done to make my situation better at the time. Often although well intended words often bring discomfort or annoyance)

What one friend did send me however was a book of 100 hugs from amazon. No note or anything and even though it was such a little thing it was comforting to know she was there when I did want to chat.

Please don’t send flowers. IMO there is something about a baby dying and then the flowers dying that make them a really tactless gift.

I’d give her a big hug, chat to her and remember the important dates (due date, date of finding out she was pregnant and date of scan) so you can send a thoughtful message on those dates.

Thank you all so much for your posts. It definitely wouldn't be given as a gift but something to show that I'm thinking of her, but I do take all your comments on board.

I wouldn't send flowers or a card.

I will be there for her to talk to and I'll listen whenever she is ready to talk

This happened to me with my 3rd pregnancy. One of my friends brought a lovely picknickey lunch and let me cry and talk to her. Another group of friends sent a really nice chocolate selection.
And agree with dates as well - a friend sent me a text on baby's due date and that meant so much.
Very much appreciated because I knew people were thinking of me.