Have I just been diagnosed as a narcissist by a narcissist?

[Tinaarena]

Ill start by admitting I've been referred to a counsellor - due to the recent break down of my 20 year old relationship, along with other problems in my past I finally accepted I do need a little help juggling everything going on in my brain. I have social anxiety and can suffer from depression (not to the point I cant get out of bed, but more I paint on a smile to the outside world and come home and cry to myself most days).

I know I need help, and I want the help to start as soon as possible.

Today I got into an argument with a friend, he said something to annoy me last week - he's one of those people who always has to be right and will love nothing more than pointing out your flaws, so I emailed him to say hey, I didn't appreciate when you did this - thought nothing of it, maybe i'd get a sorry message back. but instead ive had 3 full days of how ive infuriated him by putting him down on one of the worst weeks of his life - todays argument was actually me calling to say hey lets move on kind of thing, clearly you weren't in a good place no hard feelings - instead he started screaming down the phone at me telling me to shut the fuck up, how he wont live like this with me demeaning him in this way, What do I want from him, Why does he even bother with me.

I told him listen I was still actually annoyed with him for what he did but was trying to move on and put the last week behind us, Amongst many things he called me a narcissist as I wont take blame for my own actions (meaning this incident). Hes said this word to me numerous times now, mostly joking but today was deadly serious.

I googled the symptoms and scared I can see myself in some of them, but I see him in almost every single one - he has to be the best at everything, have the best of everything, will shut you down if you try and talk, always knows better than everyone - I could be here all day long.

I guess my question is - this isn't normal behaviour is it? My judgement is clouded as I always thought he was a good friend but more and more I see these outbursts (which he always blames me for as nobody else irritates him to the level I do apparently) happening and lately its turned to vitriol spewed at me.

Ive already blocked him so no need to worry about that, I dont even know what im writing this for, im still shaking if im honest and just needed to write it down somewhere I think.

You say you can see "some" of the symptomd in yourself, but (a) which ones, and how many of them, and (b) do any of those only come out with him?

Narcissists often turn things around, right back on on to you. You start wondering whether you are the person they describe. You're probably not a narcissist. His response was well over the top by any standards and it sounds like he's never been a friend in the true sense of the word.

My ex always refers to me as a narcissist. Actually it's him that's one.

I think that's probably quite common thing to do.

I suspect everyone's got some narcissistic traits in them. Your friend's probably not a narc either but it sounds like you don't really like each other any more and it's best you step away.

People often project their own feelings onto others, which is what it sounds like he's doing here.

Narcissists don't ever usually question their own behaviours as you are doing.

Yup my ex does this never takes responsibility always blames someone else he is lovely apparently (he says) but very misunderstood

You're not a narc and neither is he.

It's the latest buzz word for people who are self centred.

I emailed him to say hey, I didn't appreciate when you did this - thought nothing of it,

I don't think this is evidence of you being a narcissist but I think it's badly judged. If you want to talk about something calmly then sending a snipey text is probably not the best way to start the conversation. Not sure why you'd have thought nothing of it? Did you not think he would respond to this and maybe see something differently than you?

It’s amazing how many narcissists people on Mumsnet know. It’s very rare but everyone on here knows one.

My mate is a practicing psychologist and it’s true that real narcissism is incredibly rare as our personality disorders. I have described the behaviour in detail of someone I know to her and she said does sound like an actual rare narcissist but that she would not say they were one as she had never met them.

If you look at behavioural issue tick lists we can all probably tick a couple off of them.

You may not wish to divulge but I’m intrigued as to what his behaviour was that you called out. One thing I would say is if you write anything to someone it gives them the time to brood over what was written .
Plus there is no intonation, I find it better to talk and discuss.

Some of the symptoms I recognised on certain lists where difficulty accepting criticism -Im working on this as I now can see it as a positive, but for quite a while it would leave me feeling low and like a failure.

Not having long term friendship groups, I tend to get bored of friends and have 1 or 2 life long friends i've known for 20 years +.

And the most important one, I dont like admitting when im at fault - this stems back to childhood where I would get roared at by my stepfather if I did something wrong - it messed me up to the point I think everyone will react the same way and I dont like confrontation so I will blame someone else - this again I am aware is a problem of mine and need to sort it out - hence the therapy ive applied for.

Also the addiction part - I feel im addicted to shopping, spending money when I feel down even though I dont need the item, that and sugar is my downfall.

Reading through this list today, with a calmer mind I see him on so many if not all of these lists that I do think he is a rare narcissist, but myself like someone mentioned above I just realise I can be self centred quite a bit.

I don't think these lists of 'symptoms' are particularly helpful if I'm honest. We all have narcissistic traits, it's how these traits interact, if we're able to recognise them and act on them, if we're able to improve ourselves, that matters.

I sincerely doubt you are a narcissist - a 'true' one is as rare as a sociopath! You can be self-centred sometimes, well can't we all?

I think it is possible to need a bit of validation and yet have a lot of empathy and be a people pleaser. So it can be confusing. Ask yourself when you are upset, is it my ego that is bursting to respond here, or would I be right to respond. Honour your boundaries but let things go if letting them go wont harm you.

The friendship sounds an odd one. I dont have any friendships where we wind each other up and make remarks that are a bit close to the bone.

What was it that annoyed you originally and led to the argument ?

You're not a narc and neither is he.

It's the latest buzz word for people who are self centred.

THIS ^

Generally the test is "are you worried you might be one? Then you're not".
Real actual Narcissists can't even concieve of the idea that they might be the one at fault or less than perfect, that's why there are few diagnosed cases because a real one would never consider going to councilling about their own behaviour.

The whole point is that we show a variety of traits, but on the whole are balanced across a range of aspects of personality. So, for example, we all will have narcissistic traits at times, amongst others which we flex at different times depending on circumstances. Narcissistic personality disorder is when those traits form by far the prevalent personality style, not mitigated by any other personality traits (like empathy, compassion etc). So you may well recognise some of the signs in yourself and others but the actual diagnostic process is quite complex.

True narcissistic personality disorder is incredibly rare, try not to worry.

If I had a pound for every time I heard someone say someone else was a narcissist, I’d never have to work again 🙄

Armchair psychologists.

You’ve done exactly the same, OP.

Thanks for the replies everyone - the fact he throws this word around so easily means ive also started to throw it around easily.

Ok the original argument - and hold onto your hats this is how petty it was. He told me about his marriage counselling session (in context he told me in October this was a possibility, but ive heard nothing since at all so never brought it upas I felt it was too personal question to ask).

So this evening he slipped into a conversation how his first session went and I replied "oh you've already started it, im sorry I had no idea" he swears he told me but did admit hes probably dumbed it down as he didnt want to talk about it - he told me back in jan he walked out of an appt because they made him wait too long - this was apparently the incident and from his words I was supposed to telepathically know that this was his marriage counselling. He then got really short with me and tried to make out I was pissed off that he hadn't told me - couldnt be further from the truth. this went on for a while where he would reply with eye roll emojis to me trying to make conversation - clearly he was annoyed at something but wouldn't say what.

Cutting a very long story short, we spoke for a little longer (general chit chat, weather, his business etc he seemed fine laughing and joking with me), he became distant and I got 1 word replies, I said as its getting late ill say goodnight for now. mistake number 1 by me. mistake number 2 was sending. quick email to clear up any bad atmosphere - letting him know I know it must have been hard to go to counselling, here for you type of thing, but please dont put words in my mouth, if I have a problem I will say it, if I dont (like that night) I wont because theres nothing to say. ... I then get texts fyi this is what sends me into a rage. i'm upset and you go off to bed.

I replied back ok sorry, would you like me to stay and chat some longer. he said no as youve obviously gone all pissy with me so just leave me be. A further 12 texts appeared through the night telling me I was a classic narcissist, Im always out to hurt him, blah blah blah

I did say it was very petty.

Why are you friends with him?