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Original poster

At what age do you stop checking DC's phones?

29 replies

TreacherousPissFlap · 26/01/2020 21:57

I've realised I haven't checked DS's for a while (he's recently got an Android and now I come to think of it I don't know how to unlock it Hmm)
He's almost 16 and has always been given pretty much free reign, on the understanding he hands it over on demand. We've only ever had one issue with an overly dramatic secret Instagram profile which cost him his phone and internet access for six weeks.
I'm always keen to allow him privacy (having had none as a child) but I also see first hand the damage that can be done by parents not supervising adequately.
For clarity, we pay the contract but he contributes a little towards it.

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Tombakersscarf · 26/01/2020 22:12

Well does he have unrestricted internet access on it? If you have this restricted with something like apple family it will reduce what he's able to do. What kind of things are you looking for - contact from strangers, pornography? I check my ds and dd but they are quite a bit younger.

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 27/01/2020 18:32

Yes he does. I figured that as a savvy teenager he could likely get around any restrictions I put in place - he would have one over on me while I sat comfortably thinking I had thwarted his efforts.
I don't think there's anything dodgy going on (and would definitely seize the phone if I did) but I don't see how I can check anything without violating his privacy IYSWIM?

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hen10 · 27/01/2020 18:36

To be honest, I don't think I'd be checking when they get to 16. DS is that age and I haven't checked his phone for a while. If I wanted to, I know he would hand it over no problem. I have worried about it and shared my concerns re porn / strangers getting in touch etc. It's tricky, isn't it?

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Tinofcurses · 27/01/2020 18:41

I have never checked ds's - he's 15. I'm 100% sure he would have no problem with me checking it if I asked. But he'd think it was a bit weird.

He isn't allowed to take his phone or laptop into his bedroom, if that makes any difference.

Cohle · 27/01/2020 18:53

Well before 16. He's almost old enough to legally be having sex, he's entitled to some privacy.

By that age hopefully you've developed the sort of relationship where he feels comfortable discussing concerns with you.

Topseyt · 27/01/2020 19:00

I don't think I checked them much beyond the age of maybe 14, and only sporadically before then

At 16 I wouldn't bother at all. My DD3 is a July baby so only turned 17 at the very end of the last school year. I would have been checking the phone of a sixth former, which would have been ridiculous.

Tombakersscarf · 27/01/2020 19:04

I would rather a dc had sex at 16 than watched some of the pornography freely available to them online.

Sally2791 · 27/01/2020 19:07

Never checked any of my children’s phones. If I had had concerns I might have done, but I think trust and privacy are very important.

Namechangeforthegamechange · 27/01/2020 19:10

I never have and don’t plan to

MarySidney · 27/01/2020 19:18

Those of you who never check, or think fifteen is too old to check, have you never heard of Kayleigh Haywood? Or do you think that couldn't possibly happen to your child?

Tinofcurses · 27/01/2020 19:31

It's possible, of course, but it's very unlikely. I'm confident that building a good trusting relationship with ds and having regular conversations about keeping safe online is the right way to manage the risk.

Cohle · 27/01/2020 19:31

I don't think anyone is trying to downplay the risk of online grooming or make light of tragedies.

Just that risks have to be offset against a child's, age appropriate, right to privacy. At a certain point you have to trust that you have developed a relationship and instilled enough safety advice such that you can trust your child to come to you with concerns.

TheNoiseHurts · 27/01/2020 19:59

No internet restrictions at all?

So he's free to look at all the porn? All the nasty stuff?

I hope that doesn't fuck up his future sex life by giving him screwed up ideas of what to expect women to do....

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 27/01/2020 20:14

all the porn
Unfortunately yes Confused
We've had the conversations and I've made my views clear. I have to trust him to make his own choices ultimately.

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okiedokieme · 27/01/2020 20:25

I didn't, I taught them how to be safe and trusted them to come to me (which they did) snooping encourages secrecy

TheNoiseHurts · 27/01/2020 20:31

You trusted a teenage boy not to look at all the porn?

Fucking hell.

Okay.

TheNoiseHurts · 27/01/2020 20:32

Or did you just hope he looked at the nice bits?

I mean what age is ok? 9? 10? 11? He would have been looking.

I have three sons and I know what they search up, they will look. They do look unless you put restrictions on there.

Tombakersscarf · 27/01/2020 20:44

If you have appropriate restrictions in place, it is easier to allow them privacy, as you have already limited what can happen.

DramaAlpaca · 27/01/2020 20:49

I never checked my sons' phones, but they are adults now & were probably part of the last generation of teenagers not to have smartphones.

Would I be checking if I had teenagers with smartphones now? Yes, I think I would. They are a different kettle of fish to the old style mobile phones.

thebear1 · 27/01/2020 21:00

I check my 11 year olds. Sometimes it is not your child that is the issue but things they are being sent. Ds chose to leave a WhatsApp group due to links. I don't imagine I will be checking it at 16, or even 15.

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 27/01/2020 21:02

DS is 16 and I don't check his. I do see DS2's (13) emails and YouTube comments.

I listen to DS1 and his friends chatting, and they're all quite open with me. If you think that setting restrictions on their phones works, I think you're naive. DS has friends who simply buy a cheap phone, and use that instead.. They use each others WiFi hotpots, rather than use data.

I had a crazy conversation with a 15 year old girl last summer, who was chatting to DS1 about Pornhub. I was a bit stunned that they were so open about it, but they enlightened me that lots of people use it as a free streaming platform, because it's less regulated than YouTube.

I asked about the porn - she said that her friends all think that it's disgusting and for sad people, and they just ignore it.

Not saying I believe her, but they are savvy when it comes to phones generally. I don't think doing random checks is always helpful. Better to actually speak to them, and let them know your views on it.

AlaskaElfForGin · 27/01/2020 21:05

I work in a school. The amount of conversations I've had with shocked parents who have never checked their DCs phones is unbelievable. It's not fun showing a parent a screenshot of some of the disgusting messages they've sent to another child, when they've been in complete denial up to that point.

Tombakersscarf · 27/01/2020 21:37

Restrictions on phones make it a lot harder for them to access though. My dc wouldn't have access to £30 to get a phone and at least I know he is not on in his room just now. Hmm. I think having a conversation with a minor about pornhub that doesn't end with it being passed on to someone is astounding, but that is my child protection training I suppose - children should not be exposed to images of adults having sex.

TheNoiseHurts · 27/01/2020 22:20

I'm under no illusion that my teen has accessed porn on his friends WiFi. He's told me that he has.

But to throw my hands in the air and give him full access to the internet at home would be ridiculous.

It's not just porn either, I've seen stuff that's scarred me for life, some really horrific stuff.
Sometimes it stuff that crops up and you aren't even searching for it.

Let alone a teen who would search random fucked up things.

And if you think your darling wouldnt do that....you're wrong!

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 27/01/2020 22:33

I'm not saying that at all thenoisehurts , I'm saying that we've tried to encourage honesty and openness rather than the culture of being constantly spied on I grew up with.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't keep strict tabs anymore though Wink

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