It's far worse for kids if you stay calm but they know that you're angry.

[Poppinjay]

DD2 (16) has just told me this. Apparently me using a stern voice was always far more scary than anybody else shouting.

There was me, for all those years, not shouting because I didn't want them to be scared of me

I think, that as a parent to teens, a parent's place is in the wrong. No matter what you do it WILL be wrong.

But no, I think an out of control, angry adult is worse than an in control, stern adult.

No I really don't think so. If you didn't or were rarely shouty does your dd really know to compare. I mean someone else shouting was not her mum shouting. I loose my cool rather easier than I would like and I am pretty sure it is not good for my kids.

Mine have always said they knew they were on real trouble when I went quiet - a truck I remembered from my dad when I was young

I have a teen.
I shout sometimes and that's scary.

In other words - cant win according to your DD's logic.

Oh ffs I really should proof read! In real trouble and a trick

I don't often shout at ds and if I am in charge of other children I always use a stern, quiet voice, as it makes a child listen. If you shout, they just ignore you eventually.

God, yes. If my dad ever told me (in his quiet, serious voice) that he was disappointed, I felt absolutely awful.

It's hilarious! Parenting is just one long list of making judgements and you only ever get told about the ones you get wrong and, even then, you might have got it right.

I'm still glad I'm not a shouter. DH is and it's not nice.

'There was a long silence. Then Dumbledore said, “Please explain why you did this.”
It would have been better if he had shouted. Harry hated the disappointment in his voice.'

But all kids are more scared of their parents telling them off than anyone else doing it. It doesn't matter if you were quiet or shouting, it's just that you're his mum

I could be headteacher at Hogwarts!

I do this with DP. If he fucks up, I generally go super calm, resulting in him getting more and more scared and trying to resolve things

I generally go super calm, resulting in him getting more and more scared and trying to resolve things

That sounds so sinister!

I agree! DD has told me she could deal with me being angry but if I was disappointed with her then it really cut her to the quick.

I am not a shouter, never have been. My 21 year old tells me I am the scariest person he knows.

As child my mum didnt shout ever she was the quiet silent angry and as an adult I now hate confrontation. I remember being scared of the consequences of getting into trouble at school when I was growning up. So although I was never shouted at at home. I lived in fear of ever being shouted at in outside life.

Yeah. Mine would go quiet when she was mentally teeing up what side of my head to punch me in. Shouting meant I was probably ok or could step out of range and move the dog out the way quicker than she could grab the fucking metre stick.

Yeah. Mine would go quiet when she was mentally teeing up what side of my head to punch me in. Shouting meant I was probably ok or could step out of range and move the dog out the way quicker than she could grab the fucking metre stick.

That sounds grim @NeverDropYourMoonCup. I'm sorry.

Shouting can just end up being background noise. Having said that, I can deliver a proper old fashioned rant on.occasion. I like to get a bit of a rhythm going. But I do prefer an icy disapproval though.

OP you say it is like a bad thing that kids feel worried when they have done something really wrong. I suspect this is what your DS means by scared.

OP you say it is like a bad thing that kids feel worried when they have done something really wrong. I suspect this is what your DS means by scared.

I don't think worried would have been what I was looking for.

To be fair, she has always been naturally compliant so I can't think of times when she's done things I'd describe as really wrong.