DD thinks she must be invisible

[Lieinrequired]

DD has come back from a sports club very upset. She is upset because she has not been star of the week since September. I suggested there might be more children than weeks since she was the star and her turn will come. DD is adamant that others have been star twice (which does mean others won’t have been star at all). I do think this club does award the star for merit rather than every child getting a turn.

I know DD always tries hard and follows all the rules (school and GP think she has ASD). I have tried suggesting to her that sometimes the star might be awarded to a child who has previously struggled but then has a good week. But DD can’t get over feeling that this unfair because she is always working hard.

I tried to divert DD’s thoughts away from her upset over the star to how she feels about the actual sports. She does enjoy the activities, so I thought she might be getting positive comments from her coach during the session and she could draw comfort from that. But DD says the coach never says “well done” to her or even notices what she does. DD said it is like she is invisible.

I do not know if DD’s perception is correct or if her probable ASD has an impact here.

Should I talk to her coach? What should I say? I don’t want to come across as a pushy mum who thinks her little darling is the best and should always be rewarded.

Just tell the coach why she's upset. Ask if she can get more recognition for her efforts (by whatever means coach thinks appropriate).

May be genuine oversight or clumsy oversight or some exaggeration or misunderstanding. You need to talk to someone who knows more than you do about the situation.

How old is she?

I do think this club does award the star for merit rather than every child getting a turn.

Which is as it should be. Have a chat to the coach and ask what more she needs to do for a star so she can be fully prepared.

Personally I hate star of the week. Either you give it to each child in turn (in which case it becomes pointless IMO) or you award it on merit and end up with this sort of situation.

How old is DD? If she's little (7 or under) I would mention to the coach that she's disappointed about this. If she's a bit older I would use this as an opportunity for her to start learning to focus on whether she enjoys the club (internal validation) rather than what other people think of her (external validation).

I'd probably tell her that we try our best because we owe that to ourselves, not because we expect to be rewarded for it. If she's very young that might be tough for her to understand though.

I would ask what she needs to go to get some recognition. Not in an arsey way, more in a progressing and concerned way.

When it's awarded on merit, it's pretty much always 'achievement' and not 'effort' which often just means rewarding people for having the genetic make-up which suits the task in hand. It encourages comparison and IMHO is usually an all-round bad idea. I think maybe your DD needs to try and focus more on how she thinks she's doing rather than looking for validation from others. The coach may well be ignoring her. That's certainly been my experience in things like this, but you can learn to focus on your own effort and progress.

As a former teacher I would mention it to the coach. There can be children who are very much in the middle who you are aware haven't had the star yet but always get pipped to the post by others who have had an unusually good week or more obviously need the morale boost. A gentle reminder from a parent helps to jog the memory. On the occasions where this has happened the child in question got the star within the month.

Thank you everyone. DD is 7.

How old is DD? If she's little (7 or under) I would mention to the coach that she's disappointed about this. If she's a bit older I would use this as an opportunity for her to start learning to focus on whether she enjoys the club (internal validation) rather than what other people think of her (external validation)

Fine for an NT child, but OP has said suspected ASD.
Many kids with ASD and other conditions have a large difference between their emotional age and their physical age, rough rule of thumb is emotional age is around two thirds of their physical age.

My son is asd and disappointment is an emotion he struggles with the most. Meltdown after meltdown.