Friendship issues for DH

[Holymolymackerel]

Dh just rang from the pub upset because he found out from them that they all have a what's app group but dh has not been asked to join. They have form for this. Mentioning events then not saying anything more then dh seeing they did indeed go on social media.

I'm not sure why they told him, to rub salt in the wound?

This group of lads are like family to dh as he is lc with his family due to not being the golden child. One of the lads recently died after a long illness, it has really shaken up dh and despite knowing they went out to reminisce last week and didnt invite dh, dh really put himself out there and set up tonight.

The only thing that happened is, I was mean to one of the wives 7 years ago. I was unwell with pnd and PTSD and had a breakdown 4 weeks later. When I recovered I apologised profusely.

I feel so guilty that it may have been me that made them cool off. The relationship between them has been sketchy since but I was really hoping that tonight my guilt could be lifted and dh would get his mates back properly but alas it doesn't seemed to have happened.

Feeling shitty for dh and me.

That sucks, I’m sorry

I doubt a whole group of men that are supposed to be good friends should alienate him because of what you said all that time ago.

I don’t think men think like that.

I’ve had a few tense words with a couple of the wives from dh friendship group ( were a bunch of fiery women) over the years but the blokes just ignore it.

They are not his real friends.

I’d be wondering who set the group up - you may find the answer there

PGtipsplease

That's what I was shocked about when it originally happened. Other lads and their wives got involved that it had nothing to do with. One mate pulled out of godparent duties because of it (not the one involved)
Everybody closed ranked around this particularly wife despite my apologising.

Nothing else has happened.

Just gutted for him because pils are emotionally abusive. He really has been through the mill and had lost a lot of confidence.

If they are unable to forgive you for saying what you did when you were poorly then they're knobs. I wonder if they're using this as an excuse to freeze out your DH.

He won't find his confidence knocking around with this bunch. If anything it'll chip away at his confidence.

One mate pulled out of godparent duties because of it (not the one
That does sound quite drastic, I would guess it was the husband of the wife who set up the group.

It’s horrible being left out, it’s hurts so much, I read something on here the other day which was along the lines of ‘you’re better off walking away emotionally, the more you try to be included the more aware and therefore hurt you are when you’re not.

He should just come home, it’s not going to make him feel more sociable sitting with them now. He’ll just feel self conscious and it will chip away.

He needs to let them go.
Tell him to delete his social media. Seeing the meet ups won't help. Sounds like he deserves much better.

He does deserve better. It's a very sad situation and most people would be understanding about someone who is ill not being as pleasant as they usually are - on top of which you apologised.

I hope things improve.

I've had this happen to me before. The best thing I did was walk away. I had to get out of the viscous circle of feeling excluded and hurt, trying desperately to work out how to sort it and never succeeding.

Some groups need a victim, that's the bottom line. Your husband will be making way for the next one

Before giving up on these friends wouldn’t it be better to actually talk to one of them and ask why they are leaving him out?

Your poor husband. That's miserable, it's horrible being the group whipping boy, and I can well believe it, men can be bitchy as hell when they feel like it.

Like Soffy says I think the best thing for him to do would be to walk away, they'll soon find a new victim. Initially it will be tough but for the long term it will be better for both of you.

It's hard to tell here, you say you were mean to one of the wives, which makes it sound not really bad, but then you go onto say that it had huge repercussions in the group , which makes if sound it was actually quite bad.

What happened exactly?

It could be they don't want your husband round, or it could be that whatever happened is something that's had long term repercussions for both of you.

What exactly did you do to this wife?

The lack of response suggests to me that 'mean' means something quite nasty.
It's sad but not surprising it's blown up the friendship group.

Need more context on what you actually did.