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Advice teen trouble

4 replies

Cadmace1 · 24/01/2020 17:18

I don’t have a troublesome teen as such, but my 14yo daughter is having some trouble with her ‘friends’ and I don’t know how to react for the best! She is part of a 4 girl group who have their ups and downs like most, but she will often make passing comment that the other 3 make more effort with each other and she feels like a ‘3rd wheel’. This can be to the point where they will walk as a 3 on the pavement and leave her walk in front/behind....petty sounding I know, but it’s not nice to hear. I often tell her not to be so sensitive/over analyse, but I actually don’t like what she tells me either so can see why she feels that way. Anyway, there was a ‘minor’ fall out this week where my daughter made a childish comment to one of them (not with malice, but just silliness) and two of the girls had a real go at her. The girl she said it to wasn’t even particularly bothered, but then just sort of followed suit with the other two. My daughter apologised and though end of, but since they’ve been actively leaving her out more. Not waiting for her after lessons or at lunch etc. She doesn’t bother with anyone else at all and so has often been on her own. Another girl told my daughter she overheard her ‘friends’ saying they didn’t want to bother with her anymore. My daughter asked them about it directly, and they didn’t deny it but didn’t say it was true either. She’s apologised again about the minor fall out and even given a general apology (for actually doing nothing wrong) to try and get them back on side. My daughter is very sensitive and does suffer a little with social anxiety, so she’s always felt these girls friendship is really important to her. As she doesn’t really bother with anyone else, she’s now beside herself that they are trying to sever ties with her and she’ll be totally alone. Others have even commented to her that they can see her friends are not being particularly nice to her. So, what do I do?! Part of me wants to contact their mums to tackle it, but I know that runs the risk of making the situation worse for my daughter and them perhaps using it as an excuse to drop the friendship. Part of me wants to tell her to say ‘f**k you then!’ as deep down I’m sure she’d find friendship elsewhere. Part of me thinks, keep my nose out as it’ll blow over cos teens blow hot and cold all the time. I even thought about inviting the girls and their mums over to mine to tackle it that way, but again it could all backfire. I’m at a loss really as to what is best! I’m a very level headed person whose job means I cope with stressful/difficult situations really well, but when it’s my kids, that goes out the window and my logic/temper becomes very short as I can see the anguish my daughter is suffering as a result of her so called friends. Any advice?!

OP posts:
Whatnowagnes · 24/01/2020 17:26

Don't contact the Mums! I think your dd just has to work through this.
They don't sound like true friends anyway. The walking thing sounds horrible.

Your dd needs to find new friends who value her and treat her better. Don't tell her to cling to this lot when they're treating her badly.

Teaching her to value herself and not accept shoddy treatment will give her better self esteem in the long-term.

tenlittlecygnets · 24/01/2020 18:04

Why doesn't your DD 'bother' with other dc? She should. Her 'friends' are being shitty and she needs to make an effort to spend time with other dc and make new friends.

Geraniumblue · 24/01/2020 18:28

She needs to branch out and find some new friends. I found that emphasising to my dd that it’s fine to have a wide network of casual friends - someone to sit next to in maths for example, and maybe a few easy going types to chill out with at lunchtimes- that it doesn’t have to be one tight knit tiny group.

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Witchend · 24/01/2020 18:31

She is part of a 4 girl group who have their ups and downs like most, but she will often make passing comment that the other 3 make more effort with each other and she feels like a ‘3rd wheel’

You may find that they all, or certainly more than her feel like this. I did in my 3 girl friendship, and when we talked about it when older found we all had times when we felt we were the odd one out.

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