7 year olds sleep

[Junobug]

I was going to post in sleep but most posts there are about babies.
I have had an awful 2 months sleep with my 7 year old ds. He, out of nowhere, refuses to fall asleep on his own and wakes constantly, often hourly through the night.
We initially sat with him, we have tried gradual retreat which seems to work for a few days and them were back to square 1. If we leave him, he screams and it's a proper panic, not attention, that he is scared and can't sleep and wants to sleep but doesn't know how. He is scared of monsters and burglars and seems to be at an age where he just can't rationalise reality from fiction but knows that the world is a big, scary place where bad things happen
We had tried meditation, music, we are working through the book What to do when you worry too much, lavender oil, piriton.
I am 36 weeks pregnant (a possible contributer) and at breaking point. My dh alternates bedtimes but ds won't let him settle him at night.
I think there are a few friendship issues at school but ds won't talk about them and his teacher is a great teacher but lacks pastoral skills and couldn't even tell me who his friends are when I asked.
Any words of advice?

If we leave him, he screams and it's a proper panic, not attention, that he is scared and can't sleep and wants to sleep but doesn't know how
Yep, we have that. Why leave him?

We had tried meditation, music, we are working through the book What to do when you worry too much, lavender oil, piriton.

Ok, this sounds weird. Like you're making it into a much bigger thing than it really is. It's normal to have bad nights. It's not normal to drug your 7 year old because of nightmares.

DD is 7. She goes through phases of nightmares. Sometimes I think she's more likely to have them if she's too hot/cold. General rule is DC spend the night in their bed, so if I'm awake enough I go to her room and wait til she's asleep/attempt to sleep next to her. Or she sleeps in my bed. I appreciate that won't work for you. But a mattress in the floor of your room might be an answer?
At the end of the day, she's 7, she's scared, she wants her mum.

Oh, and nothing is scarier than a mummy defending her children so all the monsters are scared of me!

But it's not the odd night of nightmares. That I can cope with. I don't mind staying nearby when he falls asleep. What I can't cope with, is hourly wake ups for 8 weeks continuously. That is not healthy for either of us. I need to leave because I need to sleep and I don't leave until he's asleep but then he wakes up and I'm not there so were back to the beginning.
I have tried a mattress on my floor. It didn't solve it, still scary. I have tried having him in my bed. It didn't solve it and due to the set up our house, it doesn't work for our family long term.
I can promise you I am trying to be as sympathetic to this as I can. I understand this is developmental and a phase but I can't keep doing it with a newborn and he needs to sleep and I have no idea how to help him.

We've had this with DS1, he's always been a terrible sleeper. He's almost 9 now and sleeps through the night maybe 3 nights a week now. He didn't sleep through the night ever until he was almost 6. We don't have the screaming any more but he used to have night terrors when he was little.

We have always let him come into our bed, or one of us goes in with him. My DM always said we were making a rod for our own backs but I am not up for negotiating with an upset or scared child in the middle of the night. His is partly separation anxiety so I want him to feel safe when he needs it. DS2 arrived when DS1 was 5 1/2, and it got much worse for a while because he was unsettled.
DS1 has a double bed purely so that we have somewhere to sleep if we go in with him
I can totally understand that you are at breaking point but is there no way he can come in with you and your DH? Can you sleep in his bed and put him and your DH in together? It's not ideal but my view was always that we all needed to sleep and if that meant muddled up beds/sleeping I would take it. Did he settle when he slept in your bed?

I agree that it's not healthy for either of you. And I understand why you're panicking about it!
But, it still sounds to me like you're doing too much to force the issue and it's making him worse. Meditation, workbooks, drugs... it kind of gives the impression that you're telling him he can't sleep by himself.

We went for a matter of fact, your body needs to sleep, this is why you dream, just because you slept badly last night doesn't mean you will tonight etc. What do you want to dream about tonight? Recognising when thoughts are silly thoughts and chasing them away (with her bear). It still took 7-10 days before she was no longer petrified of going to bed.

Are you doing the whole clean sleep thing. No screens after dinner, enough exercise during the day?

You or DH sleeping the night in his room?

I'm going through the same with ds at the minute. He's 6 and I think it may me down to the fact I've recently returned to work from maternity leave.
We have the same panic when he goes to bed, then coming in numerous times during the night. I have postnatal depression and struggle to go back to sleep after waking, he's also waking his baby brother.
I've started a reward chart this week with a big reward at the end of the week, something he really wants. First two nights he went to bed much easier and didn't wake me during the night, last night he kicked up again going to bed, really panicking, took an hour to get him to sleep. He slept fairly ok until 4am when he came in and woke me. He's now back asleep and I'm up having made rice krispie buns at 5.30am for his scouts craft fair tonight

Oh, I don't know. That doesn't sit right with me. I'm all for reward charts when it's something they're consciously refusing to do like homework or chores. But sleep vs nightmares isn't something you can control. So effectively they're being punished for being scared. (Unless of course you're certain it's all for show.)

Does he have a nightlight? DD has a Philips one which stays plugged in. It has a light sensor and turns on automatically when it's dark enough.

Does he know what he's allowed to do if he wakes? Get up, get a drink, put on music or an audio book etc. Be brave and try to think through a nicer ending to the nightmare. Of course, it won't stop them calling for you to tell you they've been brave and chased the monsters away...!