Instruction Manual on what a DIL needs to do when a FIL dies...

[AdachiOljulo]

Normally pretty functional and most people don't know I have (formally diagnosed) ASD but generally I follow "the rules" that I have learned for functional behaviour in all normal situations of life. I am currently adrift not knowing what is the right thing to do and would appreciate experience and insight about how to be supportive and helpful.

My FIL passed away last night. Taken ill the night before, it was apparent mid-afternoon yesterday that it was serious and DH left work early and went to the hospital, by the time he arrived FIL was on life-support. Passed away in the small hours of the morning.

DH, MIL and BIL all 4 hours away. Myself and DS (age 10) here not really knowing what to do, if anything.

Things I don't know:
Should I be phoning MIL or will she not really want to talk? We have a reasonably good relationship though not very close. I honestly wouldn't know what to say and am bad at emotionally charged conversations. Normal phone calls just centre around me telling her what DS has been doing and her telling me what she has been doing.
Should I be sending card/flowers that sort of thing?
Should I be offering to do anything to help with practicalities and admin?
Should I be taking DS out of school to go there? Or if not should we go at the weekend? Or is an additional DIL and Grandson not what is needed there at the moment?

I can't intuit my way through all this. I have no intuition about what would be right. Any advice or experience would be helpful.

I think you need to be guided by your DH, MIL might find it a comfort seeing you and your DS but the tricky thing about death and grief is that there is no right/wrong as everyone deals with it differently.

I think offering help is a good thing, maybe make some food if you do go and visit.

I would be most focused on supporting your husband at this time. I’m sorry for your loss.

Ask your DH? He might want you around for his own support. I wouldn’t phone if I was you. Presumably you’ll go for the funeral? Perhaps go a day or two before and stay the same time after. In similar circumstances I made sure that everyone was fed and watered - making decisions about things like lunch can be overwhelming.

It's like a chain of support - your DH supports your MIL, you support him, your friends support you. Make sure your DH knows you are happy to do anything for MIL, but let him decide what that is. And then focus on making sure he is OK and has everything he needs to support his mum..

Support your DH and, of course, your child who has just lost their granddad. Ask your DH if there's anything practical you can do to help out, if you have the time. If you and MIL are close, it might be nicer and less awkward feeling to offer your condolences face to face.

I am not ASD but I went through this 2 years ago and I felt similarly lost - I think it's a tough thing to lose a parent whatever happens and nobody feels prepared.

I agree with the chain of support. You support DH. He (and his siblings if there are any) support MIL.

So for now I would keep DS in school. Keep in touch with DH. Ask how he is doing, how MIL is doing, whether he wants/needs you to do anything. Remind him to eat periodically, and for him to remind the others to eat.

Don't send anything or call anyone other than DH, unless he asks you to.

Ask DH if he would like you to go at the weekend - and whether to bring DS (if you have the option to leave him with somebody). If you have pets you're responsible for as well, he might prefer you to be at home so that he knows somebody is there taking care of things.

You should let your DS's teacher know (discreetly) that his grandfather has died and that he may be upset and may need time off school for the funeral. Then update her when you know when the funeral will be.

If your BIL has a partner and you get on with them, you could send a text to them asking how they are getting on and if you can do anything extra to help.

I would certainly, while you are stuck at home and can't do anything to practically support DH just yet (until you know to travel or not), start to think about useful things you could do.

So DH, you and DS will all need clean and suitably formal outfits for the funeral in due course. Do you all have something suitable in your wardrobes? Does anything need cleaning or mending or replacing? And by "formal", I don't necessarily mean full on black dress and veil for you or suit for DS - but clean, neat, and respectful outfits (DS might well be fine with a pair of neat jeans with no rips and either a shirt or a plain jumper or plain top over that, and probably with shoes rather than runners - but school shoes would be fine if he has those (some schools don't have uniforms so many DCs only have runners). So just mentally (or even physically) review your various wardrobes. And clean or send to dry cleaners anything you think may be needed soon.

Food. Savoury meals - tasty, not adventurous more comforting and filling types of meals, and transportable if you are a distance away. Or to put in the freezer to be able to have tasty food easily at home - as you may end up doing a lot of travel for the next short while, and needing food when you are rushing.

Also snacks - there may well be an outpouring of baking locally to DMIL, but biscuits, buns or loaf cakes are always useful. And small things that can travel are particularly useful, especially if you and DH have to do a lot of travelling.

Could you organise a grocery shop for them?

They may be fine - but that could be something that, if they need it, you could do online and arrange delivery (in line with when they (DH/DMIL/DBIL) say someone will be at home). Things like milk, tea, coffee, sugar (for themselves and visitors), sliced bread, things to make sandwiches (ham, cheese, whatever they might eat), breakfast items, and something easy to make a dinner (good ready meal or very easy to cook ingredients) - preferably that could also be frozen if not needed just now.

You know that you find these discussions difficult.

So write down a few things for yourself - sorry for your loss, hope you are doing ok in the circumstances, is there anything you can do etc?
And also the questions that you think you need DH to answer -
Sorry for your loss
How is everything?
What do you want or need me to do?
Would you prefer me (and DS) to come now, at the weekend, or for you to come home first and we go up later?
Do you need spare clothes, money, phone charger?
Is there anything I can do here to help - any phonecalls I can make etc?
Do you have any idea when I can expect to see you (up there or down here at home), or is there a lot to sort out before that?

Take the time to think about the information that YOU need, and frame the questions for DH. You might be able to talk to him, but you might only be able to have a text conversation if he is very busy. So you are trying to let him know that you want to help and not make things more difficult, but you also need to be guided by him about what is best.

And definitely be prepared for all sorts of emotions.

Your primary focus is your DH. Do what you can to support him.

ask him if he would like to have you both there
Ask him if there is anything you can do/anyone you can call

Cards/flowers I wouldn't do.

Ask your DH. It's very cultural. I'm Irish, and here you and your DS would be travelling to be with the family asap, you'd be spending your time making sandwiches, filling drinks, washing up etc - basically, helping to keep on top of the practicalities so your MIL and DH can worry about the bigger stuff. And obviously, the bigger, longer term emotional stuff of supporting DH while he supports MIL.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I’d drop everything and go.

^ what @MindyStClaire said.

When DH died I very much appreciated people saying kind things. I agree that your role is to support DH and DC but I think I'd also ring your MIL briefly just saying that you understand if she isn't up to talking but you just wanted her to know you're thinking of her. That should be quite enough.

Call your MIL, or she will think you don't care.
Ask her if she wants you to visit, bet she says not now.
Also say to tell you or DH if there is anything you can do.
Ask your DH how long he will be there, and what can you do to help.
You don't need to do any paperwork unless asked.

Sorry for your loss.

As ever it depends on family dynamics.

I agree with @Biddypop and @BertieBotts suggestions. The only other things I'd add is suggesting to your DH that he gives you a list of family /friends to them of the death. - that's if there's a handy address/telephone book that you can get hold of. Its hard saying the same thing over and over again and having to field the same questions. And it's one of those things that can be usefully spread out.

If you have any photographs of him it might be nice to dig them out - it has been nice (for our family) to look back at other peoples photos of a loved one.

It sounds like he went very quickly and suddenly so his wife and sons will be struggling with that as well as the actual death. So there will definitely be a lot of emotions floating about - from despair to guilt.

When someone dies there can be a lot of sitting about for a number of days and not an awful lot of action. Certainly once the death certificate are issued and the funeral directors sorted. And potentially if you dashed up there you and your DS will be sat on the sofa not doing much. Not all households have people coming in and out visiting regularly after a death. So the need for sandwich making and putting the kettle on. And there is only so much comfort and support that a grieving widow can take.

Would there be space for you and your DS to stay? Or would it be better for you to stay in a airbnb or similar - sometimes space is needed away from the centre of the grief.

If you hadn't got plans for the half term holiday I'd probably be suggesting to your DH going up there for then, or having her down to you (or go to BiLs) if you've space. By then reality will be setting in and she will probably need more support then.

As I think everyone has said take your lead from your DH.

I'm now glad that Chat doesn't disappear after 90 days, as this could be useful for me one day.

There’s no real “rules” it depends on things like family dynamics...

If you get on ok, but aren’t hugely close I’d text or send a message tbh, something along the lines of...

Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you, if you need me to do anything or come through for some support, just let me know

That way the offer is there, but you can be guided by if or how she answers

I'm sorry for your family's loss, OP.

One thing I'd ask is whether your parents/siblings are expected to attend. My DM died and apparently (according to step-MIL) I was meant to formally invite step-MIL and FIL to come to the funeral step-MIL said this to DH later and was apparently v. hurt at being 'excluded. In a rare display of tact, DH didn't tell me of all this til much later (I'd have hated feeling like I had to look after her so was glad she hadn't come)! So do ask your DH if your parents are wanted/expected, as the answer may surprise you.

thank you all for these suggestions.

Aww that’s very sad...how is your son coping? You can either go to MIL’s and help in any way possible, or you could sort things out from your own house. We’re all here to help you! Good luck

Bumping for you OP

DS is eating dinner and theorizing on the consequences for the development of the wider galaxy if the Egyptian god Apophis successfully eats the sun and any other suns about the place. I think he is fine.

I consulted DH and on his advice DS and I made a short phone call to MIL just expressing love and condolences (DS warned not to ask grandma any complicated questions as grandma wouldn't be feeling up to a long conversation) - that seemed to go ok.

DH has confirmed I am not needed there and it's better to keep DS going to school rather than uproot him to come and join them. so staying put.