How can I help my child cope with the concept of death?

[Millieash]

My little girl is very bright and very sensitive. She's 5 years old and understands what death is and that we will all die one day but she's really struggling to accept it. I lost my Nan last summer and although my daughter had regular contact with her, my Nan was mentally unwell and therefore they didn't form a particularly strong bond. So it isn't grief that she is feeling but more the concept of her own immortality. She often tells me that she doesn't want to die because she is afraid of being alone, not knowing what will happen after death.

Has anyone come across any good books that might help? Or any advice at all that might ease her worried little mind? She has the most awful nightmares and suffers with anxiety, which has become worse recently. I do worry about her and wish I could help her. The only thing that seemed to help is that I told her that some people believe in heaven. I don't like to lie and tell her that it exists for sure because we don't really know but it did help in her moment of panic.

Anyway, any help or advice would be very much appreciated!

E

Teach her more about God and heaven. If this comforts her then it doesn't really matter whether you believe, she can make that decision when she's older. Sorry she's dealing with this.

There are a lot of books to deal with the concepts of dying, what comes after death, and how to cope with loss.

• Badgers Parting Gifts
• The Paper Dolls
• The Sad Book
• Goodbye Mog

DD went through a stage of seeking lots of reassurance over death and dying. I explained to her that no one knows exactly when they will die but most people live long lives and that we will hopefully be one of them. I said that a person's body dies but love is forever and that even after I am gone I won't ever really leave her because I will always be in her memories and in her heart. It's a rough concept for them to get their heads around.

@Hoik gives a perfect response. I would only add that Cruse do good resources for children about bereavement which might be worth looking at.

Thank you, all. I shall take a look at the books. Really like what you've said @Hoik 😊 I shall have another chat with her about it xx

It is very normal for them to go through this at this kind of age.

We went for Hoik's I said that a person's body dies but love is forever and that even after I am gone I won't ever really leave her because I will always be in her memories and in her heart.

My mil died 15 months ago and my son was 5 they were very close. The questions and tears we had night after night were heartbreaking ( he still asks questions now too ) . We aren't religious but my DH and I painted a lovely picture of heaven to him ( not literally) as we needed to believe in something too rather than the fact she was just buried and that was that forever. It's a hard age for understanding death all you can do is answer her questions but don't offer more information than she asks for and sometimes it is ok to say ' I don't actually know the answer to that ' .

I second it’s worth looking at Cruse’s resources. I also found their information on children’s understanding of death at different ages useful:

www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/for-parents/childrens-understanding-of-death

The books mentioned above are good too - though Badgers Parting Gifts made me weep buckets.... best to read through yourself before you tackle with a child!

We read badgers parting gifts too , my ds was sobbing , and we both ended up crying .

My ds went through a stage like this at a similar age, and would get terribly upset every night. We did similar to pp suggestion and talked about people remaining in our hearts etc and as stars in the sky. He also got worried about me and dh dying. Really hard phase to go through, as they become more aware of their own and others mortality.

Another thought OP - maybe have a think how comfortable you feel about death and talking about it. I have experienced a lot of grief and loss in the last 10 years and have learnt so much through the experience. I am sure this has helped me be confident in the way I can talk about death, dying and remembering loved ones. I hope you feel able to grieve and process your loss and through this, support your DC too.

Debi Gliori's No Matter What is another good book. I wouldn't describe it as just being about death, as it is really about love, and at the same time it captures Hoik's point about love enduring beyond death. Its absolutely beautiful and might help a bit.