How would you respond to this?

[NorthDowns]

Is this a compliment ‘you’re good but you need to watch how you treat people’?

I’m totally blindsided by this & would appreciate some responses.

I think it would depend on the context it was used, but I’d say it’s a warning - sort of like ‘you’re good at your job, but you won’t progress if you don’t start being nicer to people’.

No that's not a compliment. Whomever said this is saying you treat people in a certain (negative) way - without context hard to say how.

I think we need a little more context, but no I don't think it's a compliment.

From the statement as is I'd interpret it as you've definitely done something wrong in this instance but they're willing to forgive you - 'you're good' (this time) but they won't be so lenient going forwards.

Are you seen as quite tough with colleagues, OP? Don't you bear fools lightly?!

Said by a headteacher to primary 7 (age 11) Dd, because she occasionally fails respond to his good morning....he assured me this the only reason he said this to her. It was also said in front of a class full of kids of which he told a handful prior to this were a good example.

He cannot see why I did not see the compliment in there. Totally confused 🧐

Any more thoughts? Thanks so far.

Well, why doesn’t she respond to his ‘Good morning’? DS’s old school had the expectation that every child would greet and Head by name and make eye contact with her at the entrance every morning.

Based on ONE interaction he said that?!

If that's true then he clearly has a problem with female people not bowing down in gratitude to his every remark.

She says she always responds but she is very quietly spoken & says he’s not heard her. Her friend confirmed she does respond.

He’s not having it though & I tthink the same as CastawayMay that he is putting a little girl in her place & letting her know who’s boss. This is a girl who excels & teachers praise to the hilt. Never ever had a negative remark about her.

A 30 minute conversation & he would not see my point! I had emailed him but he won’t respond by email only face to face or in person.

Am I right to feel quite concerned?

Or by telephone

He sounds like a tool. Now he's backtracking but I don't get his reasoning at all.

Honestly, I’d probably turn it into a lesson about how people are fallible, and can (incorrectly) interpret an inaudible response as inattentive or sullen unless they know you well, and that she should focus on speaking up in future.

Op, if she is praised to the hilt and has never had a negative comment about her, then it's probably a growing experience for her to have this happen. I would concentrate on your daughter rather than the teacher.... help her think through it, accept that not everybody will always be happy with her. Help her think through the fact that criticism can be fair/not/something in between.... talk through what she could do to respond constructively (ie speak up... make clear eye contact etc) . How to put it behind her and turnaround a relationship that has gone wrong etc.... doesn't seem much point to me in concentrating on the teacher...

What was the outcome of the meeting with the head?

Thanks for the replies. We have taken it as constructive criticism and I’ve told her to look at him and make sure he hears her, however it irks me that I’m telling her to do this.

I find it extremely odd that he would be so offended that he would say this.

So he made the comment in the class last week, I emailed over the weekend asking what the context was & should I be concerned, he did not respond to my email but took her out of class yesterday morning & told her he found it rude she didn’t respond to him saying good morning , he said that he was complimenting her and could she not see the compliment in the ‘you are good, but you need to watch how you treat people’, I’m afraid she couldn’t & still can’t, she can only see the criticism.

So when she told me last night he had spoken to her & I still hadn’t received any communication from him I thought that was a bit odd too. Left it to lunchtime today to ask for a response by email, he then called me to discuss.

He cannot see that his comment embarrassed her & insisted it was a compliment. I still can’t see the compliment either to be fair. I just see it as I’m putting you in your place. I think there are better, more constructive & positive ways to do this.

Of course she really now doesn’t want to engage with him & against my grain I’ve told her she has too. I feel like it’s the shit life of be a nice little girl & do as you’re told!

The compliment is “ you’re good”.

He sounds a bit of a twat though

He’s a prick. If he pulls this crap again I would escalate it to his superior and state that you can’t discuss reasonably with him as he ignores all communication and takes it upon himself to confront little girls.

You should have told him you found him to be rude to speak to your DD without replying to your email first. He sounds like a he's on a power trip. What a twat.

It's a bit like saying "I'm sorry, but ..." which in fact means I am NOT sorry. So he's started with what was meant as a compliment, then blew his good intentions apart by using "but", so all she remembers is the second part (the criticism).

Perhaps a lesson to your DD about making sure she makes eye contact and speaks clearly and audibly in every situation, to ensure her message gets across, and that she is not misunderstood by a self-important twat ?

I think that's worse than the dinner lady insult where OP wanted her sacked. He is bullying and competing with a child. I find this very strange, especially taking her out of class. Something isn't right here.

This is all so melodramatic - "bullying", and putting a child in her place.

It's a good lesson to try and respond to a 'good morning' with an audible and clear response, otherwise you can be wrongly misconstrued as rude.

Yes, the teacher worded it clumsily - but teachers are fallible, and unless this was part of a pattern of behaviour it really doesn't warrant a reaction

A nice, clear “Good Morning, Professor Snape,” should do it.

I agree 'bullying' 'competing with her?' Is a big over reaction. How is he doing this? It's a teacher's job to moderate how children behave in school. I agree he could have worded it more clearly and constructively, but making a fuss of this may encourage your child to grow up overly fragile.

Why shouldn't he talk directly to her? She's his pupil. And why shouldn't he take her out of the class? The initial complaint is that he said something in front of the class and embarrassed her.... so taking her out of the class to explain his actions was totally appropriate as far as I can see....

I do agree he should have responded to you directly as well as speak to her - but really there is nothing here worth getting fired up about.

Your dd should definitely learn to speak up and make eye contact.... and it is rude not to. There is no reasonable reason why she should be shy saying good morning to a teacher, to the point that she appears to be ignoring him. She also needs to learn not to be too sensitive to criticism...

I think our job is to bring up children to be resilient and empowered in how they handle whatever life throws at them. Yes, we need to protect them from mistreatment, but not from every ill-phrased sentence that might come their way.... those are learning opportunities.