Help. How can I build motivation, resilience, determination

[NathanNathan]

I’m struggling a bit at the moment and wondered if anyone here can help.

Does anyone have any advice on steps I could take to build up my motivation, resilience and determination?

I feel like I’m wasting my life.

Maybe if I could just start with determined it would mean I could do the other two!

Determination to do what? Is it career related or something else?

In my experience, you've got to find something that you genuinely want to do before you can work up motivation to do it. I'm sure there are ultra-disciplined people out there who can make themselves work hard at something they loathe, but if you're looking for a whole life change, that's not going to be a realistic way of approaching it.

What are you doing at the moment? Why do you feel it's a waste of your life? What do you want to - or feel like you should - do instead?

The first thing you need to hack is motivation and the idea that motivation solves anything. Motivation is a con and doesn't exist. If we only ever did things when we felt motivated then we'd never do anything at all and motivation as a term in the context it's used in is not one thing but an amalgamation of things.

Motivation comes when you're already doing well. You'll wake up one morning in a good mood, ready to focus, feeling good about your abilities and having a rough plan and call that motivation to continue. What it really is is a bunch of things falling into place at the same time as you can be bothered. Waiting for motivation is a losing game and the odds are against you.

You need perseverance which goes hand in hand with dedication. Dedicate yourself to something and persevere until it's complete. This entirely depends on what you're dedicating yourself to and why you're doing it. If you've decided to lose weight and you're not hugely into it, you won't persevere. If you're dedicating yourself to getting better at something, it's a less high hurdle and your mind can reassure you in a multitude of ways that small progress is progress when you're getting better at something rather than your mind coaching you that you're a failure when you fail to reach a specific goal in a specific time period.

It can be done. I've done it myself. But I'm going to need some insight as to what you want to do.

Watch Mel Robbins or Marissa Peer on YT/instagram - also controversial but Jordan Peterson.

I’m so pleased people have replied!

I find my motivation low across all aspects of my life, and am not really enjoying any of it.

Two main things that are holding me back:
I know that I need to lose weight to be healthy, but cannot find the motivation

I also know I am not doing a good job at work. I am doing enough, but I just find that I can’t be bothered to do more. My job is interesting and I have the skills to be good at it.

I feel generally disinterested in life.

I’d love some sort of approach that I could follow to rebuild my determination or motivation.

Everything you say OrangeFox makes complete sense. Thank you!

I need a way to get myself into that dedication mindset.

In terms of wasting my life, I keep trying to start things, learning something new, reading a book. I can’t stick at them and end up wasting hours on the internet, reading depressing news.

You say you need to lose weight to be healthy but would you take small steps to being healthier to begin with, even if that didn't result in a calorie deficit and weight loss?

For instance, you mention cooking. I don't know how you tend to eat but you can challenge yourself to make one healthy vegan evening meal per week. It expands your cooking skills, it's something new to try, you're reducing your environmental impact by subbing animal products for plant based products and it'll be healthy to boot. I'm not saying you have to go vegan/vegetarian but I know when I cook vegan meals I have to think more about the ingredients I use (which are generally far healthier).

Stick with something you already like. I enjoy curries so I always recommend a good vegan curry recipe for beginners as it's so simple and quite quick to cook.

Another thing is stretching. Not yoga per say but every morning before a glass of water and any vitamins to kick start your body for the day, take a minute or two to stretch (even if it's in bed). I never feel more ready for a day than if I spend a minute or two stretching my arms, neck, back and shoulders in bed and drink a large glass of water before my morning coffee.

Those little habits will kick you into a 'healthy' mindset. It's not foolproof. If you don't move enough or eat over your calorie intake you won't lose weight but it does align my brain into 'motivation mode' because my brain is already rewarding me with positives before I've even started for the day. YAY! I stretched and drank water! In reality it's tiny but my brain responds well to positive reinforcement.

Reading depressing stuff (esp for hours) would make me feel depressed. You sound a little depressed. Don't read depressing stuff for hours. Find anything else (anything positive) to do with your time instead.

I have amazing resilience nowadays & I have no idea why. I was a basketcase when younger. I think I finally learned it's ok to fail, that every failure and every challenge or setback is an opportunity of its own kind. That problems have solutions. That other people fail all the time I just thought it was me that was useless but it's a common complaint.

As for books, start small. If you like listening, try out a free book with a free monthly trial of Audiable. If you're not a listener, try long form articles which are meaty without being super long like a book. Mark Manson has some great no bullshit self help on his website for free that never fails to give me ideas.

YouTube etc is an amazing source for 'self help' but not as you know it. The Personal Philosophy Project is brilliant for things like low buy, self esteem etc and Matt D'Avella has great short (10-15 minutes) videos that are wonderfully shot on habits, minimalism and him trying things for 30 days. Not all of them may be for you but it's interesting to watch and to pull parts you may want to try for yourself. I'm by no means a minimalist but I like the idea of curating and streamlining so I like to incorporate some ideas into my own routine.

Medium has some excellent articles too. It's a paid for subscription (£5 a month, no free trial) but if you ever get bored there's tons to read that's not social media focused.

Stay away from the news. Seriously, all news. Just for a few days (3-5 days will show a difference to your mental health and phone/laptop usage). It's all doom and gloom for the clicks. Actively choose what you consume and you'll see the differences.

If you like the interactivity of social media, join Reddit and look at subs like /getdisciplined /getmotivated and various diet subs like /1500isplenty. I'm not suggesting you start a strict diet but they can be holy grails for meal inspirations and portion size tips!

Thank you thank you Fox, Trout, Jumper and Angel*, I’ve read everything you’ve said and it’s so helpful to find some starting points. I’m going to look up some of the people/things.

Bold fail on the names there....