How to talk to teenager without annoying them?

[Nogodsnomasters]

I have a 13 year old DN who is mature for her age but something bad happened to her last month and despite counselling in school for the last few weeks things have gotten really tense in her relationship with both her parents (separated since she was a toddler) and all her friendships have disintegrated and her mental health is suffering.

I live on the other side of town and don't see her that often due to work and my own DC who is SEN (maybe once every 6-8 weeks I'd see her) but I love her and want to help somehow.

Anyway I've tried to strike up some conversations with her via text the last few weeks just to let her know that I'm here for her and care but without saying that outright, just general chit chat asking about how her day is, hows school going etc but apparently she's told her mum that i won't leave her alone and I'm annoying her 😕😣

Is there anything else I can try? My own DC is only year 1 so I have no experience with teenagers whatsoever. And if it's relevent before the incident happened we always got along well and she has had sleepovers at my house sporadically etc.

Let her be for a bit, she's got enough on her plate without managing Aunty No's expectations. (Said kindly)

Maybe offer to take her out one Saturday afternoon? Would she see an afternoon tea as a nice grown-up thing to do? Or a mooch round the shops?

Are you expecting her to respond to everything you message to her?
That isn't how the modern comms go (yeah I think it's weird, too, but I'm ancient).
Get used to one sided comms. And interaction only on their terms. Expect only Occasional or delayed replies if any reply. The benefit is that you will still be on her list of resources she can turn to if the time seems right.

Try sending funny videos once in a while "I think you might find this funny" or "Thought you would like this" or "This reminded me of you" and if she responds then fine but if she never responds that's fine, too.

ps: agree that shopping & food trips can be well received, make sure she leads any conversation.

flibbertygiblets I see where you're coming from. I'm off work next week so I will definitely try to arrange to see her to do something she likes. I haven't saw her since Christmas so I'm due a visit anyway so it won't seem out of the ordinary, she hates when any fuss is made which is why I've avoided even mentioning the incident itself and/or topics like "I'm here if you need to talk" etc, I thought I was going about it in the right way keeping lines of communication open but it appears not!

ragged she actually does respond as she's a polite girl but it's usually one worded replies which mean I have to keep asking questions to keep the conversation going which in turn makes it look like an interrogation slightly so it seems she doesn't want to converse with me. Sending a funny video is actually a great idea, I'll leave it for a few days and then try that!

You can always babble on about your news a bit to fill any awkward silences. Ask for her opinion or perspective on your decisions & problems.

I would actually text something more direct.

DN. I know you're having a difficult time and understand my texts are annoying you. I just want to let you know I'm here and really won't be offended if you don't reply. Off work next week. Do you fancy X on y day?

My ds had a MH crisis a few years ago and actually needed people to stop gently circling around it and be open and honest. Tell him they cared but also they expected nothing from him.

You sound like a lovely aunt.

I second @itsgettingweird idea. Put it out there that you know she has had a tough time but you're there if she needs you.

it'sgettingweird I'm so nervous to do that because her mum feels she's really headed over the edge and isn't behaving like herself. Maybe if I can entice her to come out with me then gauge the energy from her I could say this to her face to face, or would that be even worse?

Thank you for that.

I work as a youth worker for teenagers. Be direct but then drop it. So "I'm here if you want to talk no judgement but I won't ask or offer again" then carry on. It can take teenagers time to process, think of what to say or just judge you to see if they want to open up to you. If you can't meet her face to face then text it but one worded answers is norm and if she wants to talk about anything then let her instigate it. If you manage to meet her then say the same then move onto to the day. Just make sure your open and approachable as sometimes these conversations come at the end of a really random/non related topic or just blurred out

ipchill thank you for your advice too. I am definitely going to invite her for a day out with me next week and then when I see her I will be direct, at least that way I can see her reaction for myself instead of trying to interpret polite single worded answers. I hope she does open up to me but if not I have offered myself up and she will know she always has the option, I suppose that is all I can aim for.

You're such a nice aunty, best wishes.

flibbertygiblets ah thank you, I try, we're a small family (after 2 deaths and 1 no contact) so we don't have many people to call on so if I can help in any way then I shall. And at least be a listening ear to her mum as well who's really struggling with how to help her best.

Just be aware that she may not be receptive, and may not want to open up to you.

My niece and nephew had a horrendous year last year. My nephew was open with me from the start, my niece politely answered my questions as to how she was doing, but I was aware that I wasn't going to actually get through to her. If I'd offered to take her out, she probably would make an excuse not to.

I know that she talks to her friends, and her brother, mind you.

If she does agree to go out, in my experience with my teens and their friends, the best way to talk to them is when you're doing something else. Driving, cooking, etc. Limited eye contact, don't ask too many questions.

(I tend to be the go to "Aunty" figure for a lot of my dcs' friends, and I know all of their secrets )

I think a one-word reply indicates she doesn't want to talk, rather than an invitation to put more effort into the conversation.

donaldtrumpschopper you're totally right!! The two biggest things she's ever told me before (important to her) were when I was driving! That's so weird lol. I will feel disheartened if she doesn't want open to me but there is nothing I can do about that. I just know that she hasn't got her friendship group around her at the moment and she's constantly arguing with or ignoring her mum and dad which is unlike her so I don't think she has spoke to anyone, although I know she has the counselor but that's a relatively new thing/new person.

pigletjohn yes I have since realised that today when she informed her mum I was annoying her which is why I've come on here to try and find an alternative way to make her feel that I am there for her instead of via text.

Through the medium of mime.

Sounds like you're making her feel like a broken object who needs constant checking in on.

Leave her be

Just one more thing - the reason that my dcs' friends, my nephew, my friends' teens tell me stuff, is because we spend a huge amount of time just chatting about rubbish. I think, if I suddenly wanted to just talk about serious stuff, they'd run a mile.

Be her friend first, if she wants.. Don't go launching in with heavy questions.

Good luck.

lemonprism yes I fear that's what's happened over the last few weeks with my messages of asking how's school is etc. Unfortunately I don't know mime lol

Niece has agreed to hang out with me next Friday after school and maybe have a sleepover after. So we're off to a good start with all your advice, thanks all!

Depending on what’s happened to her, she may be feel angry, ashamed, embarrassed and by you keep messaging her it’s triggering those feelings.

I was brutally attacked at 18, I didn’t want to think about it, or talk about it. My mum thought she was doing the right thing and she needed people to speak to so told the whole family. My relationship with many of them was never the same again because I felt they saw me and treated me differently because of what had happened.
I just wanted everything to go back to normal but people kept bringing it up and having quite words with me etc.

I wonder if this is the same?
Another example is my son was mugged aged about 15, he specifically asked me not to tell anyone as he didn’t want the fuss / stories / attention etc.

lulubellablue yes she is a child who doesn't like to be made a fuss over which is why I haven't discussed the incident itself with her, she knows I know about the incident but she's not aware that I know how it's affected her behaviour and the ways in which she has lashed out at her mum and dad recently.

The incident does involve police etc so it's a quite a serious matter and she feels the whole neighbourhood is talking about her particularly her peers.

I'm now undecided whether to be direct or not when I spend time with her next weekend. I think it will have to be an in the moment decision of what feels natural in the flow of conversation and also if she brings it up herself.