What Would You Do Re Assault On DD?

[RockinHippy]

17yo DD admitted to me that she was assaulting by an elderly man. She has a video of him.

She's kind of played it down & refused point blank to report it. The nature of what happened makes me feel very uncomfortable though & I wouldn't be surprised if this is a pattern of behaviour in this man. So I want to report it to the police myself, with tge video in case she isn't his first victim & it helps the police take someone else's report more seriously.

DD & a half a dozen 17-18yo girl friends stopped to sit on the benches of a closed pub on their way home from a club. They were tipsy & giggly & gently just acting daft & saying hello to passers by. Most just carried on going, but this older man who she describes as mid 70s came & sat down with them, pushing himself into the middle of the group/bench next to DD. Initially it seemed harmless & he was drunk & singing which they thought was funny. He then suddenly grabs DDs buttocks really hard & keeps a hold of her. DD says she was so shocked that she was dumbstruck. Her friend opposite saw DDs face & kicked the girl sitting next to the man on the other side to look behind them. This resulted in the friends blowing up & screaming & slapping at the man for being a dirty old perv, chasing him off & he ran away.

DD is upset with herself that she froze, feels she should have been stronger & is victim blaming herself despite being a hard assed feminist that would normally be screaming at such things & takes no crap from boys. She is bruised, but won't show me it all, but does look like it would be a hand print, though she does bruise easily, it would still take some force to bruise her there. She says it was a hard forceful grab & hurt.

I've obviously talked through this with her & understand & respect her wishes not to involve the police, but I just don't feel comfortable that this dirty old sod looks like he probably has form form for this behaviour & it was aggressive, which sits even more uncomfortably with me & feel the police need to know, even if she doesn't want to press charges

What would you do?

Tell the police, for the sake of the next victim. Tell your DD that you're doing so, obviously, and make it plain that what you're doing is reporting an objective danger, like a loose dog or a gas leak.

Report it. A man who did something almost identical was recently convicted locally.

Can you talk to her as a feminist, about how her strength can help other women who might find it even harder? Or a younger girl?

The fact that she froze is in no way on her, it is a very common reaction to an unprovoked, unexpected, and thoroughly unwanted sexual assault. it does not make her not strong, hard arsed, or any less of a feminist. It is her lizard brain kicking in, that she had no control over, any more than she did over being assaulted.

She has been strong in telling you. Please don't make her feel that she is not being strong by not reporting it, it should very much be her choice.

Something she might want to do is take a self defense class, not just a one-off, that might help her retrain her responses if another situation (hopefully not) should ever arise.

unwarranted, not unwanted. . .

Freezing is a threat response like fight or flight. She had no choice or control over it. There is no blame to be had.

We were only taught "fight or flight" at school but it's actually "fight, flight, freeze, fawn".

Freezing is more common than fleeing or fighting.

Involving the police should be her decision that she is in control of. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to.

even if she doesn't want to press charges

That wouldn't be her decision by the way. Once it's reported she loses control of what happens next.

User I’ve never heard Fawn?? Can you explain? Would make something very mush clearer to me thank you!

OP log it, at least it will flag in his record if he gets reported.

Bless her heart. It is not unusual to freeze, I did when similar happened. Such things are usually so unexpected they are shocking and the person goes numb.

Do report it to the police please so they will at least have it on file if anyone else reports such a thing - that may already have happened in which case your daughter's information will be useful.

Appeasement, essentially.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-information/supporting-a-survivor/

Taking control away from someone who has experienced sexual assault might be well intentioned but it is harmful.

Tell the police, there’s video evidence and I suspect they’ll already know who he is.

We had a town perv, one woman went on the local Facebook page to say she’d reported him and it turned out she was not alone. 40 other women then went to the police. He’s now doing 6 years.

to your daughter. I was attacked when I was a bit younger than her, and I froze. Like your daughter a friend saw what was happening and saved me. It’s not her fault, it’s 100% on him.

FFS listen to her. She does't want to report, she doesn't have to. She is in no way responsible if he assaults anyone else, so stop with that shit.

Reassure her that you respect her choice and that freezing is a perfectly normal understandable reaction. Signpost counselling if necessary.

Arrange for her to see someone medical about the assault - female nurse perhaps. Go into the surgery and explain to the receptionist why you're booking the appointment instead of her and they maybe able to suggest someone who is most appropriate. The health professional can then discuss pain management and also what options are available if your daughter chooses to report it. Your daughter will be explained that if she chooses not to, she does not have to show her injuries to anyone but the option is there if she chooses.

I would then probably ask your daughter if it was okay to contact her friends and send a lovely card for being such normal, decent human beings and acknowledge their quick reactions helps reduce your daughter's chance of worsening injuries.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I don't really have any update per se as she's still massively minimising what happened as "no big deal"

Unfortunately it wasn't the first incident that night & she had earlier problems with a boy her age who was gropey & wouldn't take no for an answer until she flipped out on him. She can't see the difference between a chancer of. 17yo lad, who though bang out of order too, isn't as predatory as a 70+ year old man targeting young girls.

To answer a few questions ...

Yes of course it's her call & I won't do anything to undermine that as I know it can be more harmful to her.

She thankfully isn't blaming herself, but is still massively minimising it did me too not bloody happen😩 DH is going to try talking to her again about this when she's calmer, as she's treating me as if I'm just over reacting & getting annoyed.

I have explained that freezing can be a normal shock response & she understands flight, flight freeze etc especially well due to a medical diagnosis & her studies.

She has some self defence training, in that she refused classes, but I passed on tricks taught to me by my combat trainer DF which she has used to good effect in the past. This caught her off guard though

At the moment I've emailed rape crisis for advice as to whether I can report this with evidence without involving DD, as there's conflicting opinions on here

That's her getting annoyed, not me

Titchy can you point out where exactly that I said I was doing that of course I'm not.

Titchy can you point out where exactly that I said I was doing that hmm of course I'm not.

2nd paragraph, 3rd line of your OP:
"So I want to report it to the police myself"

2nd paragraph, 3rd line of your OP:
"So I want to report it to the police myself

Titchy can you not read or something

That says I want to report it myself. No mention of insisting she does for any reason. I suggest you wind your neck in, stop projecting your own shit onto my post & reading things that are not there.

I won a medal at a national martial arts competition at 16 and I still froze when some jerk groped me in a club and wouldn't let me go. It is instinctive and even though I was more than capable of defending myself, I couldn't move. A lot of sexual assaults come with a lovely side dish of guilt afterwards. I also felt guilty when I was raped and spent ages thinking of all the ways I could have prevented it or stuff I should have done at the time. I ended up with a therapist, so it may be worth offering that down the line if she is comfortable with the idea.

I didn't go to the police, so I won't put any pressure on there. But continue to talk to her and ask her to take a photo of the bruise in case she changes her mind later.

Just by way of update. I have heard back from the local rape crisis survivors network & they've explained the legal process & what support she can access. I'm adding the reply below, with details blocked out in case anyone else needs this in future.

DD won't report it, wouldn't take photos of her injury, won't see GP etc & the time for that has now passed. She's still minimising it as "no big deal" but other things she has said whilst angry & snarling at me, hint at far more worrying stuff that I won't mention here for her sake. We are encouraging her to take the counselling offered, but walking on eggshells with her as far as any discussion go & for now she's stuck in denial, but things obviously aren't right with her, but we have to take it slowly & I intend to take up help offered on how best to deal with this situation first.

I will go the crime stoppers anonymous route to report it, so as to protect DD & that leaves her free to change her mind at a later date, or not, but the police still have the information, just incase it helps anyone else, or he is known to the police.

This is the information, incase it's of use to anyone else...

DD can report at any time.

We can report it, but they will want to investigate, so will contact her. She can refuse any interview though & can change her mind at any time, or not. This would be better as far as the police system works, but not necessarily best for DD as she suffers with anxiety.

Report it anonymously, this will be logged & can help the police, especially if he's known or is a potential suspect fir another case, but doesn't get as much priority

There is a whole lot of fantastic support for victims & families too

Oops, sorry. That reads weird. I didn't post what I received from SN, as I realised there was too much I'd need block out, so wrote a summary instead, but forgot I'd written that bit

Thanks again everyone