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Competitive first time parents

8 replies

Blahblahwaaa · 19/01/2020 13:21

So I’m not exactly an expert at all but I have been a parent almost nine years and just can’t remember it being like this when I had my first at all.
I have three dcs and decided to take my almost 3 year old to a baby/toddler group the last day. It’s been a long time since I attended one as my older two are in school and youngest goes to preschool .
There were a lot of mums there around my age (35) with their first child, some babies , some toddlers. The conversations were so competitive, I found it a bit crazy .
It was a really top trumps exercise. “Oh mine eats everything”, “mines always had 15 hours of sleep since they were 2weeks”, “my two year old is starting to pick up all three languages now” and on and on as on. I didn’t say much as tbh I found it just weird and it continued relentlessly the whole time. Two of my dcs were /a bit are appalling sleepers, we are talking years of frequent waking, if someone asked I was honest. I definitely struggled at times, I also love being a parent and adore my dcs. I did think if someone was struggling it would have been hard going to compete with the level of perfection at the group.
The amount of times I heard the words chilled and placid being used. I also had a relative visit recently with a dc the same age as my youngest and it was like some bizarre competition that I wasn’t aware of. Constant talk of how well they eat, how great they slept, how easy they were. My kids all eat everything, all sleep well etc but I’ve no inclination to go on about it.
It was cringey and painful tbh. I’ve started to notice it more and more with first time parents everywhere.
Is perfection just very in? I definitely do not remember this.

OP posts:
Connie222 · 19/01/2020 13:51

I’ve had two kids over 17 years and I came to realise that most people talk a lot of shit to make themselves feel better.

Pipandmum · 19/01/2020 13:53

It's always been like this.

BriefDisaster · 19/01/2020 14:10

When I was comolaining of similar after having my first nearly 8 years ago my Mum told me that it was the same when she had us in the 80's so I think it's just a thing.

I honestly can hardly stand talking to other parents sometimes for this reason.

I think my kids are wonderful but you are more likely to hear me moaning about how they don't listen/tidy up/eat anything I make.

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One2Three4Five6 · 19/01/2020 16:05

I honestly can hardly stand talking to other parents sometimes for this reason.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.
I cut a mum'friend' off at the school gates because she couldn't stop turning things into a competition. And it was her grandchild! So not even her 1st DC...
If my DC did something first, I didn't really mention it, but she would, then she would essentially force her GDC into getting on with it
(potty training comes to mind, my DC was quite early in it as she has older siblings I think, so wanted to be doing things the same way they were, I literally didn't mention this at all, she picked up on the fact DC was asking to use the toilet and not wearing a nappy, in the days that followed her GDC was not allowed to wear a nappy and was told 'come on, use the toilet like 123DC does, come on, you can't let her beat you) It was uncomfortable to watch...
But if her GDC did something first it was a big song and dance... Everyone had to know how her GDC was 'miles ahead' of mine. (And now I'll sound like I'm boasting, sorry, 9/10 her DC wasn't first, I just hadn't mentioned that mine could do XYZ, because I really did not feel the need to)

More than once I said it wasn't a competition, more than once I told her to stop putting my DC down if she wasn't the first to do something, I found it tedious and embarrasing so finally just stopped her mid conversation one day and told her I was no longer interested in this pointless competitiveness. It was very rare then that I confronted someone, but I was so sick of it.
I used the MN classic of 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

clippityclop · 19/01/2020 17:58

All this bollocks used to get on my nerves. Mine are late teens now but I also looked after stepchildren who are in their 30s. In the years between, so 80s-90s, letting the little one have a bit of your dinner became 'baby led weaning', stuffing them in a sling became 'baby wearing', sitting down with a cup of tea and a book for five minutes when you get chance became 'self-care'. These and everything else in between became things to be pondered and pronounced upon by the judgy at every opportunity. My best mum mates are the ones who were always honest about the tiredness, the messy roller coaster of it all. We helped each other out, made each other laugh and supported each other.

trilbydoll · 19/01/2020 18:26

I thought sometimes it was my insecurities blowing up innocent conversations but then I witnessed someone engineering a conversation topic just so she could drop in her daughter was in the squad, not just recreational and I decided actually everyone else is bonkers Wink

Blahblahwaaa · 19/01/2020 18:29

It was all just so intense. I almost looked around to see if there were cameras. Really it was constant, like I don’t spend my time moaning about being a parent as I love it and my kids are fantastic but come on of course some bits aren’t absolutely perfect. The relative who stayed also was on a constant stream of how everything her dc did was absolutely perfect and they were the best. “ oh blah, blah” your dc isn’t toilet trained yet, took us a week” “ my 8 year old was watching a cartoon before bed “oh blah, blah we’ll just leave, we’ve never “exposed” our dc to a tv”, “our dc is able to speak so well now and in three languages, is yours saying much “?
What do they want like, a medal? I’ve lucky as honestly I’ve not had this issue with my older kids as everyone I met was lovely and just real I guess.

OP posts:
Blahblahwaaa · 19/01/2020 18:30

Very much a first time parent thing too I’ve found.

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