Methods for managing a 9yo child who can't seem to entertain themselves

[ContessaferJones]

This is about my DS1, who has always demanded wanted more attention than DS2. DS1 does get (IMO) plenty of attention, certainly as much as his Dbro, but acts up when you're not actively engaging with him.

Right now DH and I just want to watch the fucking Andrew Marr show. DS2 is sitting peacefully reading on the sofa next to DH. DS1 sat with us, whinging about the lack of entertainment, for about 20 min before flouncing off (tipping books on the floor deliberately as he did so). He's now 'playing' attacking the piano in the other room, with the clear intention of making as much noise as possible. Before that he stood in the doorway and threw dirty clothing at us.

I understand he wants attention, and he does get it at other times, but am I being massively delusional to think he should be able to entertain himself for an hour at the age of 9?!

ARGH. Tips (other than 'Why did you have a child if you weren't willing to devote every subsequent second to his entertainment') on management are very welcome.

whinging about the lack of entertainment
tipping books on the floor deliberately
He's now 'playing' attacking the piano in the other room
he stood in the doorway and threw dirty clothing at us.

Did you respond to any of this?

We told him that every time he interrupts, we will pause the program and it will take longer...

But he doesn't want to watch the programme, so there are no consequences for the disruptive behaviour. He keeps acting out, and you're rewarding it by stopping the programme to focus on his behaviour.

He just escalates when we ignore though - it always culminates in shutting him in his room (effectively locked in as he can't open it himself when properly shut - the frame is a bit swollen). I'm reluctant to continue that approach though, as we're basically locking him in his room

Ignore him. No matter how annoying, irritating or rage inducing it gets. Then when you are free, he can spend all of the time he would have had with you clearing up his trail of destruction. You have to remind him of this very loudly and regularly.

In short you're rewarding the negative behaviour, stop it.

OK... So is locking him in his room not that bad then? Because sometimes that is the only way to stop whatever is happening (he harasses his brother, hits me etc).

Agree to ignore it.

Even if you have to pause programme to hear it when he stops do not even notice his behaviour.
If he escalates continue to ignore.

Once programme finishes make the point that it took 1.5 hours to watch a 30 minute programme and now it'll take another 30 minutes for him to tidy up the mess.

Now that's 2 hours. He could have played alone for 30 minutes and then had attention for 1.5 hours.

But alongside this you need to turn it into a positive and help him manage. What a bout a visual timetable for the day? You can get great giant post it type pages and can break into slots.
Make it clear he has to eat, wash and dress in this 30 minutes. And clearly out times on there where he has your attention.
Remind him if he does x y and z at X time he'll get a game with you.

He really needs to see how his behaviour is making attention become less not more but also know he can have attention if he behaves or he'll continue seeking it negatively.

We have a DS age 8 like this. The problem is we can't ignore as he will break things or hurt himself. He behaves perfectly at school and can behave brilliantly at home sometimes but then will go into a 4 hour long tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants. Its not possible to explain that this behaviour is making it less likely he gets what he wants - he doesn't take it in.

Xbox

Seriously, that sounds tough OP, I agree with the ignore and he has to clean up strategy. I assume that he has plenty of things that he could enjoy doing by himself, he just chooses not to?

I'm petty but I would be tempted to interupt his programmes and show him how annoying his behaviour is.

You are not there purely for his entertainment, yes he should get attention but you are allowed downtime. If you don't get to do things you like to do then neither should he

I gave my son a ds he can play on that while mummy does something else

Consequences. No dialogue, no eye contact, just lift him and shut in room as fast and as quietly as possible. Leave him there for a while after the programme has ended.

When he's 'ready to behave' he can come out to clean up.

Rinse and repeat.

he needs hobbies and interests. To occupy his mind. Does he ever read? I could never be bored if I had a good book