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Original poster

Please move if not appropriate. Family Loss. <trigger warning>

13 replies

margoyles · 17/01/2020 23:45

A very close female family member of mine has lost their baby girl at 29 weeks pregnant.

They are currently going through the medical procedure to bring labour on and birth the baby.

I have been really affected by this however I know this is absolutely not about me.

Over the next few days and weeks I want to be there for my family member. How can I be there for them without making it about me? I am so upset about this but obviously my feelings over it are completely insignificant compared to what the parents are feeling and going through.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can support them?

OP posts:

bumblenbean · 17/01/2020 23:56

I’m sorry to hear this. I think it’s perfectly valid for you to also be devastated although obviously as you say you want to support them first and foremost.

Take your cues from them but I would say don’t be afraid to talk about it. Most people I know who have experienced bereavement have said one of the worst things is people not knowing what to say and therefore talking about anything but the person who died. Did they pick a name? I think it can help to refer to the baby by name if you can.

Ultimately I think just letting them know you’re there and thinking about them is all you can do at this stage as well as offering any practical help you can eg making food, doing a shop, maybe helping them tell people if they would like that.

Original poster

margoyles · 18/01/2020 00:15

Thank you. I don't know yet if they have picked a name. It is all so sudden.

I can't quite believe it. My poor family member is currently waiting for labour to start It's so unfair.

OP posts:

Helpmyself · 18/01/2020 00:25

My DSis lost a baby at 33 weeks. I’m so sorry your relative is going through this too. SANDS is an amazing charity and my sister found them a great source of support. There might even be practical suggestions on their website for close family in terms of supporting the parents.

I think calling the baby by its name, wanting to see pictures if your relative is happy to share them, buying a frame for footprints or something like that might be appreciated. Helping to arrange the funeral, practical support once they’re at home etc. You can’t take away the pain but it sounds like you care very much

Original poster

margoyles · 18/01/2020 06:34

I will take a look on the SANDS website, thanks.

OP posts:

PleaseChooseAnother · 18/01/2020 07:26

When my daughter was stillborn, it was important for me to know that other people considered my baby to be a person who should be grieved for, so don't worry about sharing how you feel.

If you feel comfortable, ask to see a photo. I love sharing photos of my daughter, but don't unless someone specifically asks, because I only have photos from after she died.

Original poster

margoyles · 18/01/2020 08:48

@PleaseChooseAnother I'm very sorry for your loss

I feel it would be a privilege to see photos of their baby. I would take their lead on that.

She is still waiting for labour to start. It's so heartbreaking.

OP posts:

Helpmyself · 18/01/2020 20:16

@margoyles how are you? I’ve been thinking of you and your relative today. Sending best wishes

Original poster

margoyles · 19/01/2020 09:13

Thanks @Helpmyself She hasn't had the baby yet. It's so desperately sad.

OP posts:

lostinBristol · 19/01/2020 09:20

I don't think that many women will be in this position today. It will be very identifiable and this isn't your story to share.

I have been really affected by this however I know this is absolutely not about me.

No you dont- you are posting to get attention/sympathy.

Imagine they come on here looking for support and see the thread?

I would ask to have it taken down.

Ragdoll27 · 19/01/2020 09:25

Get a grip lostinBristol

HappyHarlot · 19/01/2020 09:52

I don't think that many women will be in this position today.

You'd be sadly surprised...

PleaseChooseAnother · 19/01/2020 11:56

As someone who has been in the situation, I'm well aware that it isn't just the parents to who are affected and would be pleased that a member of my family is getting support in a way that suits them, especially as it is being done in a way that supports the parents

HenrysHome · 19/01/2020 13:10

Having recently lost my baby at 20 weeks, I feel some of the hell your relative is goi NG through now.

Taking her lead, keep talking to her about her baby, if she wants to show you photos, coo over how adorable baby is and the family resemblance. She will most likely be given a memory box from the hospital, look through it with her and share those heartbreaking but special memories.

I was severely traumatised by my induction and birthing process (major cock up at the hosp) so I wanted to talk about the experience from start to finish as a way of helping me process it.

2 months later, the pain has changed from a raw grief to a heavy weight. Many people assume I’m ‘over it’ because I plaster a smile on but my greatest support comes from those who still take the time to talk about baby/ my experience at the hospital with me. It’s very comforting to know that my baby hasn’t been forgotten about or brushed away.

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