How long do you date before you are in a relationship?

[Napkintime]

I've been out of the dating game for over ten years ago. I met a lovely man a couple of weeks before Christmas in a pub. I seen him three times since then with friends, and twice just us. He left a serious relationship in the summer, in case that's relevant, which I assume it will be.

I'm not quite sure what happens now. I like him, but I have no interest in seeing him every week if it's not going anywhere. I don't want to rush anything and I'm very happy to take things slowly, but I do want to do that we could be going somewhere, and whether we're heading towards being exclusive.

How do I broach this? How long do you have to leave it before you can ask if you're seeing each other exclusively, even if it, quite rightly, is still very relaxed?

I think you probably need to see him more than twice just the two of you before you want to leap into a relationship. Understandably you’d like to be exclusive if you’re having sex (and if sexual exclusivity is important to you then I’d suggest that’s the point at which you talk about it and confirm by you are) but why do you feel it’s pointless bothering to see him without a declaration that it’s going to be serious or heading towards a relationship? What’s wrong with spending time together getting closer and then deciding when you know more about each other whether you’d actually like something more serious?

Boyfriend and I have only just clarified that we’re probably in a relationship after three years together and as we’re buying a flat. I mean, you’re probably looking at establishing whether you’re in a relationship somewhere between your two dates and my three years (!) but there really is no rush.

why do you feel it’s pointless bothering to see him without a declaration that it’s going to be serious or heading towards a relationship?

Because I’ve just wasted years with a man who kept me dangling with ‘I really like you but I don’t want a relationship’. I don’t want to fall into ‘friends with benefits’ with this one. I don’t want him to say ‘yes, we’ll definitely end up serious’, but I do want to know whether he thinks of this as a fling. We are having sex, that’s one of my worries, that he just wants that.