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Original poster

Haven't been a good wife now we are separating

49 replies

unicornsrule · 16/01/2020 14:10

Dh told me before Christmas that is no longer happy in our marriage so we are in the process of separating
I don't cook have never enjoyed it
Dont do other things in the house that i should be doing
Parents are siding with him saying i should have been a better wife

What in your opinion makes a good wife?!

We have been married for 16 years have dd11 and dd14 who has autism

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 16/01/2020 14:58

I don’t enjoy cooking or cleaning, I still do my fair share though.

dayswithaY · 16/01/2020 15:00

Sorry but he's probably having an affair and just laying the foundations for it all being your fault. It's not your fault and don't let him convince you of that.

pineing · 16/01/2020 15:08

Wife does not = servant.

He's having a mid-life crisis.

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Cheeseandwin5 · 16/01/2020 15:24

Ahh yes the old he cant be unhappy he must be cheating ridiculous comments.
Its not about how much you do or he does, but a fair share shoulder by both you and to me it seems that he is doing much more.
Saying you don't like working is not a good enough excuse, as others say we all have things we dont like doing but we have to do it. Ask your DH if he likes working and if he doesn't would you be happy for him to jack it in.
You have two older kids who are presumably at school for 6-8 hours during the weekdays, can you not used the time to take some classes in cooking or better still extended your part time hours so you have more income into the house.
Your DH sounds mentally exhausted.

PersephoneandHades · 16/01/2020 15:32

So you work part time, clean the house, do laundry, provide all child care for your children during the week and cook their meals... what part of that is non-wife like?

It sounds like you do your fair share around the house and with the kids whilst also holding down a part time job, this is what a good partner/parent does.

The only thing is that you say you're bad with money, can you explain this more?

I agree with others, this idea that he's leaving you for not being a good enough wife sounds suspicious and like he's making excuses.

May I ask what general part of the world you're from, OP? I get the feeling from the way you write that English may not be your first language, and I know that in my home country women are expected to do all the work while the men do significantly less or even nothing, could this be a societal/tradition expectation that he's forcing on you? I also think this since you say your parents agree with him.

Dancingontheedge · 16/01/2020 15:36

It’s impossible to say though!
I have a dozen married relatives and close friends. If we swapped partners, I’d be a dreadful wife for some and a great wife for others. That’s the point of choosing a partner whose faults you can live with and whose virtues are ones you consider essential.
I’m surprised it’s taken so long though, do you think he’s a good match for you? Do you love him or tolerate him?

Original poster
unicornsrule · 16/01/2020 17:24

I am in the uk
He has been getting more and more stressed as time has gone on , dd with autism and not getting into school isn't helping either
I don't feel like i have been able to be myself either!!
Have quite different interests i love getting tattoos he hates them!!!!
We originally met on the internet 20 years ago

I didn't say i didn't like working !!!
I love my job i have been in my job for 8 years, i started job when youngest dd was 3 and at nursery
I said I didn't enjoy cooking
In the week have dd 14 at home

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornsrule · 16/01/2020 17:26

Yes kids most important thing yes 50:50
Will have to sell up and buy our own house

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornsrule · 16/01/2020 17:32

Money wise i work 16 hours a week
He is full time financially dependent on him alot
Dont pay any pills
My money goes on part of the food, clothes, girls xmas and Christmas pressies, car

OP posts:
Hugsgalore · 16/01/2020 17:38

Op you sound like you actually just don't give a shit. Are you depressed?
Nobody likes doing household chores but there should be a fair split depending on how much you both work outside the home.
I'd be really pissed off if my partner was at hone all week and kept feeding my child nuggets and pizza and any other crap that just gets thrown into the oven. You are also setting a bad example for your kids.

Carouselfish · 16/01/2020 17:47

Op. You were a person before you met him. You will be a person after him. You can make your life about you. Don't feel bad about what he's said just be glad he has freed you from his expectations. Freed!! Be kind to yourself.

Woollycardi · 16/01/2020 18:05

Ok...firstly, you need to drop any stuff about what a good wife is...that bullshit needs to stop right now.
He has made a choice, you need to make steps to adapt to that choice, but now is not the time to start attacking yourself because you don't like cooking or cleaning. Or listening to any judgement from your inlaws, this isn't about them.
Live your life how you want to live it!!! You are free, I agree with that!!! Now is the time to discover who you are beyond being someone's wife. Especially someone who has had ample time to discuss housework with you over the years so needs to get over it already...
If all that feels too overwhelming, please seek support though. It's easy for us internet folk to say what we say, we don't know you and can't know how this feels for you.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 18:08

It sounds to me like he's right and you are just too different.

Your parents are upset that you're splitting up and understandably so - you've been together a long time and he's part of your family.

You sound completely disengaged.

He said he's not happy anymore. Were you happy before he said he wanted out?

willothewispa · 16/01/2020 18:12

I only work part time at weekends . I clean in the week

Then you should cook and clean during the week and he should cook and clean at weekends.

Fannia · 16/01/2020 18:17

Sounds like you do plenty. What more does he want you to do?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 18:31

Can we all just remember it's her parents who said she wasn't a good wife? Her husband just said he isn't happy, which he's well within his rights to do.

Original poster
unicornsrule · 16/01/2020 19:54

Thankyou
Yes i was happy wasn't expecting him to say he wanted to separate !

OP posts:
springydaff · 16/01/2020 20:00

What a shock Flowers

OrchidJewel · 16/01/2020 20:01

Are you sure your happy? It's stressful.with a child at home with autism

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 20:02

Are you sure your happy? It's stressful.with a child at home with autism

Seriously? OP can't know her own mind because she has a child with additional needs? Bloody hell.

VerySale · 16/01/2020 20:15

How are you as a partner? Not just 'wifework'? I left my H because I didn't love him but also he wasn't a great husband. Not there emotionally or practically for me. Quite happy to let me take charge and tell him exactly what to do all the time. It gets exhausting and my needs weren't being met at all.

bobstersmum · 16/01/2020 20:17

There is no such thing as a good wife, same as there is no such thing as a good baby. You are an adult. If you've done your best, and it's not been good enough for him, then good riddance. Make a list of the things that you don't like about him and show him that.

luzzbightyear · 16/01/2020 20:25

Cherchez la femme

The rest is just noise.

lljkk · 17/01/2020 18:04

What he said might be ok if he were A) being ironic B) admitting the marriage had failed due to his unreasonable expectations.

Just let him be a saddo on his own in future.

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