I’ve named changed for this. I wasn't sure where to post..
I’ve finally admitted that I think I’ve got PND. I opened up to my mum yesterday and she said she thought I had it too, especially in the early days which now I understand why she was here a lot or checking up on me.
The thing is I don’t know how to open up my DH. I know it should be easy but he just doesn’t understand depression, feelings etc. I had a traumatic birth (I posted on here a while ago about it) I had a low risk pregnancy despite being sick throughout and loosing weight (pregnancy was tough!), then I developed pre eclampsia at 38 weeks. I was induced 2 days later and everything is still abit of a blur. I've had a reflection meeting with the consultant. I reacted to the pessary too quickly and was in agony all night, I only progressed to 2cm and was on my hands on knees being projectile sick, so was hooked to a drip. They wanted to monitor baby so had to be laid down occasionally until I couldn’t take it anymore. The nurses got me a gym mat rather than being on the cold floor. I had an epidural and I was okay for a few hours until they broke my waters. Then my contractions were too quick and strong so my baby was in distress, all I remember hearing was I need a C section now but was already 10cm. The next thing it’s forceps, my partner leaves the room as it was too much (I completely understand his reaction it was a lot) I had a major blood loss, 2DT and a cut. I developed sepsis, retained placenta & my kidneys were failing. My veins started collapsing so they couldn’t take blood as I was crying in pain with them trying to find a vein. I was really poorly, I was in hospital 5 nights and self discharged as it was making me worse being in there. It was the right decision. My HV thinks I suffered PTSD which I agree with. She actually gave me her personal number when she first saw me as she was so worried about me. I think it’s the fact it went from nothing to 100 mile an hour with several doctors, midwives and consultants in the room. It took a while for me to recover physically approx 3 months, quicker than they thought actually they said 6.
I’ve listed that as my DH knows exactly what happened but when I try and open up about it he shuts me down. He thinks because it was a while ago (she’s 9 month now) and that I “look” normal he doesn’t get why I feel like this. He’s the same with any friends who have depression or anxiety he just doesn’t get it. So I know it’s not just me, he’d be the same with anyone.
I am coping okay with my DD, a lot of people tell me how much of a credit she is to me and that I’m good mum. But I don’t feel like I am because I feel like this or deserve to be told that. I just feel empty within myself. I’m very over protective of my DD as my mum says (I’m sure it’s just because she’s my first born) I'm always following her about, picking her up quickly if she cries etc. I'm over cautious I guess. I’ve never had any thoughts of harming my DD or myself. I’ve thought in the early days she’d be better of without me but haven’t felt like this lately.
It seems to be just me, I feel like shit most of the time. When she’s napping or my mum is looking after her, I just dwell on everything. I’m still able to do my hair, put my make up on and look presentable I guess when I’m out but I feel awful inside. I think to anyone who knows me they probably do think I’m okay. Whenever I think about the birth I get teary, when people talk about their birth experiences I feel shit because I compare mine to theirs. I’m always tired and I can’t sleep or switch off at night - it takes me ages to fall asleep.
My family are now aware of how I’m feeling and are being supportive. I guess I’m writing this to see if anyone else has been in the same position? I daren’t tell health professionals how I’m feeling because I don’t know what will happen. I haven’t even told my close friends how I’m feeling. I hate to ask or admit I need help I know it's a bad trait to have. How do I approach this with my DH? Im beginning to resent him at the moment because he doesn’t understand or atleast want to understand. I’ve told him I’m struggling with my mental health and he again brushes it off - so he doesn’t know about the possible PND thing. I’ve seriously thought about leaving him the past month but I don’t know if it’s because of how I’m feeling. He’s great in every other way but this is now becoming a huge thing for me.
I should add my DD is going through the 9 month sleep regression. She really is the best thing to happen to me and I love her so much, I do enjoy being with her but there are days where I just want to crawl back into bed and hide away from everything. I go back to work soon so I’m sure that will help although I’m nervous leaving her - luckily my mum is having her.
How did your partners or husbands help you when you told them how you were feeling? When does it get better?
Thanks for reading didn’t expect it to be this long!